NEVER:

Go willingly into the courtroom – it might make for a bad impression on the presiding judge, but it sure makes you newsworthy.

Misspell the word ‘misspell’.

Confuse the words ‘straight’ and ‘forward’ while getting directions from a passenger when driving your obnoxious 4×4; there is a big difference between the two.

Cut away from “the Chase”.

Swing in super-fast circular motion while holding a giant hammer with both hands out in front of you to balance your quickly gaining momentum – in a small garage – with your brother kneeling in a mechanic’s crouch nearby.

Date a guy from a machine shop.

Repeatedly, and in quite bad humor, joke with your ancient maternal great grandmother (who is full-blooded Shawnee and literally once lived in a shanty made out of tree trunks and animal skins) about cutting her hair (which would touch the floor if she were able to stand anymore).

Flip out one day after allowing years of disgust at your co-worker’s eating habits to build up inside you and yell, “Is there something wrong with your swallowing mechanism?! You must have gotten that from your mother, she should’ve worked harder at swallowing your load!” – as funny as your boss may think it is, he will still be forced to fire you on the spot.

* And remember ALWAYS…

when life gives you lemons, dip those mother fuckers in concrete and pot shot them at cars passing you by in the carpool lane during rush hour gridlock.