Qualcuno! dovrebbe sparare il batterista!

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Not a pity party here tonight…just “blogging” in my “blog” like a good lil’ blogger…

I am surviving; yeah…I am waking up in the morning every day like a Survivor, however – with a permanently embedded bitterness pasted to the roof of my Survivor Mouth; rolling my eyes before even rolling out of my bed completely; aimless; hateful and resentful; wishing for a car to strike me dead in the road with every crossing I make. I can’t say that I’m suicidal; I don’t lie around thinking about ways in which to end my horrid, miserable mockery of a “life”, nor do I idealize the notion of offing myself – as inviting as that idea may be oftentimes when it passes fleetingly through my overstimulated mind at random. Yes, I said “at random”, and I did not misuse the word; thoughts of death or dying or being dead flow freely around my every moment of life, oddly enough. Even after surviving a very near-fatal injury and recovering for so many years afterward, even after spending so long of a time wondering if I could eventually be someone who appears “normal” again on the outside – and then finally achieving that “normalcy” in appearance; even after almost having the very life ripped out of my grasp forever before I was ready to die (I was only 21)…still, I remain infatuated with the alternative of life and living somehow.

I can say this: that I never would have fought to recover like I did – had I known what the future held. That thought bothers me often, and is something that I bring up regularly in therapy with my shrink because it weighs heavily on my heart to be aware of this fact. I talk long shit about my Cut-Throat instinct, and how it defines who I am; but sometimes I wonder if I don’t secretly despise the Survivor in me for pulling through to the other side, for fighting so hard for so long when it was so trying in every way, for believing so fucking much in Modern Medicine, “miracles” and The Underdog Theory…do I actually resent myself for getting through ….TO THE HELL ON THE OTHER SIDE OF HELL. I think so. No matter what anyone else says about shit and the way shit went down, I continue to look at my recovery from severe and traumatic injury as the period in my life that I screwed Boo over the worst. This was when Boo was abandoned in her mind; it was during this time that Boo needed me more than ever – a time when I was within arm’s reach to her but denied her access, as far as she was concerned; I was selfish and wrong to have expected a toddler to comprehend my own instability – that’s not a kid’s job. Sometimes I wonder if Boo would have been better off had she been taken into the foster system way back then, when she was still young enough to be suggestible to ideas such as mental health and coping skills, etc. …I can’t help but to blame myself for what Boo has become, it’s natural I know that.

I also know it’s not always reasonable for me to blame myself for how things have gone with her; not all of them, at least. The guilt and the self-disgust over this period of my history eats me alive though, with every unfolding crease in the pages. Cause and effect is a basic concept; and one that has always been near and dear to my world in an instantly gratifying way; as I have always been keen on the irony of this particular notion. I have been struck by the leathery, aged hand of Karma into the state that you know today: my entire life being a comic strip tableau of karmic instances occurring consecutively in a long string of “Hate to say I told you so’s”. Anyway, more recently I am becoming aware that I am middle-aged, rebelliously single, mentally unstable, and vertically challenged woman (who looks like a little boy because her hair won’t grow into some of the many varying grafts in her scalp) with a total lack of motivation or purpose or direction. This will hopefully be a temporary self-inventory; God Damn I hope it is temporary because I’m getting tired of resenting myself for being alive so often.

10 thoughts on “Qualcuno! dovrebbe sparare il batterista!

  1. Cat says:

    So often, as survivors, we think we are weak and unworthy. In reality, we are strong to have come this far. Your honesty is inspirational

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know exactly what you mean by your title…I once painted a toy green plastic quirt gun black so I could commit suicide by cop, but when I pulled it out to point it at them, the Wethersfield CT police were so well CIT trained that they did not panic and immediately shoot me. No, they recognized in time that this thing was not actually a deadly weapon at all but just a fake, and they gently came over and “disarmed” me…Thank heavens because for all my recent angst, I am glad to be alive.

    I tell you that only to explain that I know a little about where you are at and how it comes and goes, as you indicated you know too.

    I dunno if you would ever read a very small, short book recommended by a fellow blogger, but I can only tell you that it was this book and this book alone that changed my thinking about everything, including whether or not it was worth it to hang on to blame, self-blame or bitterness. Partly now I have to DECIDE, and the work is slow. But I know there is another way of thinking, and the decision is mine whether to change my thinking in order to claim happiness or to stay the same and stay miserable,

    Anyhow, the book is very short and beautiful, but very simply presented and I have for many years thought it was LIFE changing and possibly the only book worth recommending to anyone. THE FOUR AGREEMENTS by Don Miguel Ruiz…and if you like that THE FIFTH AGREEMENT (or you can read just the FIFTH AGREEMENT which encapsulates all of the prior four before he goes on to the FIFTH one, but I do not know whether he keeps the section on LOVE as he does in the FOUR AGREEMENTS, and it was that that I found absolutely heart-breakingly beautiful…(But I am a wimp in the end, what can I say?)

    Take care, friend, and be well. Life is hard, but if you read this book you may come to understand that it is actually just the world, out there to be enjoyed for each person’s happiness, which would contribute to the happiness of all (and a better world)…

    Lots more to say, but enough for now.
    Pam

    Liked by 1 person

  3. wbdeejay says:

    Tough times. I know those feelings well, though probably not to the same extent as you have. Sometimes every day I survive, I wish I hadn’t. Is there a reason for this? I don’t know. But I am getting to a place where I can make good out of it. That is something to help get me through the dark times. Sending you strength and inner peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. El Guapo says:

    On the other hand, the community you’re building online, spreading your story and supporting other survivors isn’t nothing.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Sunshine says:

    yeah guilt is a bitch, guilt for being here, surviving. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel it, 4 beautiful girls that my ex-husband took from me…they too feel abandoned by me, and guilt eats away at me every day. Next month will be 1 year since I’ve last seen them or heard from them…some days I wish psycho would have killed me too instead of having to live without them…. but we are here and days like this will pass… big ass hugs to you my friend ❤

    Like

  6. I always referred to this as “the dark place”… Not actually suicidal so much as longing for relief from the pain of life and the thoughts that permeate my mind in the dark place. A very dear friend told me that death is easy…life is hard. It is that Cut-Throat Survivor spirit…the Warrior….that keeps us fighting the battle! Forgiving myself is the hardest battle I fight…but I will keep fighting . You are an inspiration💜

    Liked by 2 people

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