It’s useless, I know – to try and make sense out of any of my feelings about this, about you;
I know there shouldn’t even be any feelings there over this to begin with, my bad.
I told myself every single day for over a year that it was meaningless, like dust in the wind;
I have always known that I meant no more than a good piece of ass in your vacuum world,
I have never allowed myself to consciously expect anything beyond the “closeness” shared during our short-lived and breathless times together, sweating all over the other one in nakedness…not consciously.
I certainly have more experience with these types of meaninglessness’s than you do, and I should have seen what was happening to me months ago, but I didn’t notice – if I’m telling the truth, I DID notice somewhat – I just let it go because letting it go is easier than dealing with it head on, the right way; the timely and mature way…
I will admit, because I am forcing myself to be honest here, that letting the things I had noticed myself feeling for you slip by enabled me to feel “close” to you for a longer duration of time than I would have been able to otherwise steal away from you, selfishly and pathetically fooling myself into thinking that eventually, you’d feel something back for me in return.
I do not know how to communicate the things that I feel for, and/or do or do not desire from a man in a romantic sense – I am broken that way, despite how hard I try not to be.
I am fully aware that there was NEVER anything between us; that we were NEVER anything substantial or even noteworthy in any way – I know that we agreed in the beginning on that. I am not playing stupid like I feel inclined to do about that element of things.
I feel so stupid and angry at myself for putting myself out here once again, in the headlights of a man that’s busy reading a map as well as getting a blowjob, while behind the wheel of the huge piece of machinery bearing down on me.
I really can’t and don’t blame you for how I am feeling, how I have dreadfully and unintentionally come to feelforyou over time and the many meaningless intimacies; but the response to sting you is strong now, and my nerves shred a little bit more with each time I have to interact with you – knowing your plan to abandon this piece of your life in only a few short days from today.
I have a hard time actually processing such hollow behavior when it is expelled at me by others in this way, I admittedly struggle to wrap my mind around such lack of personal substance in my fellow human beings.
I know there’s nothing I can do to change anything about any of this, and I honestly don’t know if I would, given the chance or opportunity.
I am quite used to this sense of being left, holding the bag in my lap and feeling full to the brim with the notions of confusion and abandonment, sadness, loss, relief and shame – all while being completely unable to express such things to anyone who might need to hear them from my mouth.
I do not harbor any false sense of anything between us – rest assured with that knowledge; I do not plan on readjusting a single thing in your future opportunities waiting for you.
I only wish I were stronger; I wish I didn’t have this retarded need for the reassurances that can come only from the male persuasion in order to be useful and have meaning to me.
I’d rewind and undo all of this if I were able; I should’ve NEVER gone so far out of my way to rent that stupid movie The Chronicle that night, should have kicked you out of my room, at least.
I feel apologetic and sad for the long list I have created over someone who doesn’t care anyway.