Tick. Tick. Tick

The moments between pulling the pin and clearing the distance necessary for safety –

These moments filled with dread and doubt and abandon –

Swirling with the desperate thoughts of a million and two suicidal in the final minutes of a million and two miserable lives, the air around these moments grows thick and greasy with the oils dug up from the deeps, worldwide; expectant of some kind of natural law to level itself out once more, but only thickening by the nano-second.

These moments after I press the ‘send’ button and before I receive a reply that is to my liking – one that typically never comes – those moments that seem to choke and throttle out small reminders to me of why I am so alone in the world, of why I always will be and have been.

These moments after I slice open my dried out heart to show you that it’s empty and withered away – to prove to you that there’s no blood pumping through it the way there’s supposed to be, like there used to be…

These moments provide this being’s only means of feeling alive; if only to feel the hurt and sorrow and pain and guilt – they remind me that I am, indeed, ALIVE with more blood left to spill, if necessary.

The moments hanging in air so heavily between one violent act and the next – spent in genuine hope that this might finally be the last time he bashes my head in – that this time his brute force and strength may actually do me in at last; between then and the moment he DOES try to kill me, and I am somehow overcome with shocked disbelief that he just cut my throat with his knife… scar tissue, stab wounds and slash marks are my life’s humbled reminders of the Hell I once drowned in, and the depths that I have also resurfaced from.

A testament in the moments of better days, to the unimaginable and quite regrettable past I’ve left behind like chewy dust in the sticky wind: my mind is wide open for the chance to be free and free others like me; my heart is behind my mind 110% during these moments that fleet across the void of mind and the dark of night.

I curse and long for these moments, these morsels of truth and what’s REAL…for, without them – I’m a simple, parasitic animal leeching my way through existence. Not a care in the world.

15 thoughts on “Tick. Tick. Tick

  1. neighsayer says:

    nice one, AI. Hey without any parallels in our personal histories, I still feel what you’re saying. I only feel any good when I think I’m doing something important – and worse, too. I seem to need to feel unique and special, or the darkness looms. So what I’d found was this child-rearing, no-punishment thing, I’ve recently just seen that my kids are grown up now, for better or worse, it’s done and over. I probably won’t even see any young families from here on out, just old people . . .

    Like

  2. ERIC EASE says:

    We never forget our haunting pasts lest we are doomed to repeat them. You my friend are a General in my book. Stronger than steel. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Demons. They never go but over time some make friends of them. I will ever forget but now I recognize some as old “friends” revisiting me and as such they no longer touch me.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Absolutely haunting post AI. The soul heals but the scars never fade.

    “my mind is wide open for the chance to be free and free others like me” ~ I love this line the most because that’s more than a chance you’ve made for yourself, my dear, you’re already forging on ahead in freedom – and bringing many others with you. 🙂 You are showing the world that it is possible to make a positive difference from a hellish experience.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The act of violence is such a small piece of time, yet it’s effects may stay with us for a lifetime…Hanging with you my friend! AoA💜

    Like

  6. The traumatic injury happened over a decade ago if you can believe that – my cut-throat is fifteen years old – a teenager, if you will, in the growth since a sort of re-birth…but yes, sometimes the effects of it are still so real, so vivid…that the cause is forgotten and the effect takes over temporarily…onward and upward right? Thanks for your support Warrior, all my love to you girl 🙂

    Like

  7. Ned's Blog says:

    As my father used to say, “There are no road blocks, only reasons to find another way.”

    Liked by 1 person

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