The Price

This past weekend, my parents went to visit Boo out of state for Boo’s seventeenth birthday. I could not go. I did not want to go. I knew that something bad was going to happen by the way that she has been talking to them on the phone leading up to their wasted and painful trip…I don’t want to be used anymore by people, not even my only child.

“You guys need to buy me a nice little dress that I can wear; not something too dressy, something I can get dirty in…” is what she had declared over the line just a few days prior to their departure flight at the airport to see her. I told them as soon as that phone call ended that if they bought her a dress that she can get “dirty in”, she would bail out on them and run away to be pimped out by some disgusting grown man, as she always does when given the slightest opportunity.

YES, my child is teenaged prostitute by choice. YES, she does things that scream loudly how miserable she feels about herself, she displays the worst type of PTSD: the kind that continuously undoes any “progress” she’s able to forge in her own “recovery”. YES – my only child is a train wreck…and it breaks my heart too much to bear most times, but I know that she is nowhere near ready to begin to heal; therefore, I have chosen to keep my distance from her so as not to antagonize our already crumbling “relationship” to one another.

Point in case:

When my parents arrived and picked Boo up from the locked facility in which she has been court-ordered to reside indefinitely past her eighteenth birthday because of worsening mental health issues, Boo seemed to be happy to see them and they picked her up without incident and continued on to their hotel room. It was Friday night, my mother and step father had been traveling all day and were exhausted of course.

Within an hour, Boo was itching to go to Wal-Mart because she claimed to need some toiletries for a shower etc. My step father (who has been Boo’s ONLY consistent male presence throughout her lifetime, might I add bitterly) finally broke down and agreed to take her there, against his own better judgment of course. She bolted from him in the parking lot and ran straight into a mini-van full of strange, grown men on the expressway. My stepdad, needless to say, diligently chased the vehicle in his rental car for several miles.

During this time, Boo apparently had told the men in the van that she didn’t know my step dad and that he had been chasing her with a gun and trying to kill her. The men, who had no clue what was going on, were concerned for her safety and pulled over to the side of the road, where all six of them got out and waited for my step father to pull in before proceeding to beat him senseless. Boo watched the whole thing happen from inside the van, too.

He is lucky he wasn’t beaten to death…my heart feels so torn by this latest piece of unbelievable heinousness put forth by my own flesh and blood…

Her own grandfather, someone who’s been her staunchest ally and always had her back, even when her grandmother and I had given up on her and said it was no use to keep hurting ourselves by trusting her or believing her, he has stood by her and not wavered. It breaks my heart what he has had to go through this past week, recovering from a violent attack on his already degenerating body. It makes my blood boil to know that she sat there and watched him be beaten almost to death, based on a lie that she told in order to serve her own warped needs and desires…

I can’t apologize enough to my stepfather, it’s hard not to look him in his eye now, with every word that I speak to him…I feel so deeply bad and regretful whenever I look at his swollen and disfigured face – hoping to see a glint of anger or betrayal or realization when it comes to Boo and what he has just endured…

Yesterday, he burst into tears – full blown grown man tears – and says, “I just wish I could protect her…”

I know exactly what he means, how he feels…

19 thoughts on “The Price

  1. El Guapo says:

    No words at all for this.

  2. Thank you more than you know. ..thank you.

  3. tric says:

    You will always love your only daughter, but as you know she is mentally very unwell. These are not her choices to make. It must be so very very hard for you to cope.
    Thinking of you, and all your family.
    Impossible to imagine, even for a moment, what you are living through.xx

  4. Wow…okay, I’m totally in tears after reading your post and nomination piece…at a loss as to how to show my gratitude to you for such kind and inspiring words about me…
    Warrior is an exceptionally strong and durable Survivor, you are true with every word you write of her also…
    I’m covered in chicken skin after reading it, I don’t know what to say. THANK YOU for so much support. It’s human beings like YOU that keep that “hope” you speak of alive in my own heart. Biggest of long distance hugs to you, Wee Dragon…duly noted, all of it.

  5. Mandy says:

    My heart truly breaks for you, reading this. I was in your shoes many years ago. My love and support weren’t enough to change things. She and I have been estranged for 20 years. My love has never diminished for her, but like someone said, when there is mental illness and they are an adult, at some point, you have to protect yourself from the excruciating continued pain. Your daughter is still young, so you still have time and hope-that is key. I wish the very best for you.

  6. It is a hard pill to swallow for your family. Our children are always in our hearts…you are wise to recognize that your daughter’s healing is something only she can do. We do the best we can, and then let them try their wings…keep loving. This may sound heartless, but when my daughter was going through her hell, I took out a life insurance policy on her-I would not have been surprised back then to find her without life in a ditch or a parking lot somewhere. Sending Light and Love your way!💜💙

  7. Gus Sanchez says:

    What you’ve written left me stunned. We parents never imagine nor hope our children will turn out for the worse. But you’re exhibiting far more bravery than many other parents could or would in your situation. I can’t imagine how horribly painful this must be for you, and for your parents, but I wish you all the courage and wisdom you can and will possibly need.

  8. Sara says:

    I can’t imagine how hard it must be to love someone and wanting to help them, but also not wanting to enable them. No words of wisdom here, but I am thinking of you.

  9. Mandi says:

    All that’s happened with your daughter from the start has been horrific. Over a decade of fight after fight. It couldn’t get worse, until it does. You’ve taken all the steps you’ve needed to take. What else can you do at this point but love her and believe, unlike the majority, that there’s a reason why she’s done/doing the things she’s done/doing? You don’t judge her despite it all. Damn I wish I had a mom like you! Unconditional love does exist but is hard to find. My parents have done a lot of asshole things but what haunts me is the question, “Why don’t they love me just because?”. I very much believe that Boo will never ask herself that question.