My therapist says he doesn’t recognize me immediately sometimes upon my entering his creepy, hippie lair on the ninth floor;
“Gee, I didn’t know that was you there, you look different again…” He laughs in a way that I imagine a little, over-caffeinated tree squirrel might laugh, “What’d you do something different to your hair?…”
The spark in his eyes dies down with the shaking of my head and the brisk walk I execute directly toward, frustrated by his ignorance on the topic, as usual.
It’s an ongoing battle for me: nearly impossible at times for me to go out and about without any obvious and public meltdown as a result of the anxiety and self-consciousness…how shallow of me, I know right? Can’t help it though, it’s true and very real – this anxiety driven fear attached to my face and the skin that holds it to my neck, somehow beating to the drum of my very heart; it’s easy to forget that I do not necessarily resemble a grotesque thing these days (bitter, hater exes, not included) in regard to my “first impression” upon others in appearance.
…but let me tell you, there was a time following the injury when this wasn’t the case…
These days, I try my best to blend myself out with the way that I look – not quite wanting to fit in with everyone else in the flock I’m so desperately trying to ditch, but not attention seeking by any means (unsurprisingly, indefinite number’s of surgeons foggily standing around you, above your head with a finger in your face will teach you to sit back and shut the fuck up pretty quickly).
I’m feeling better now, marching taller; but still quite resentful at the drummer for the absolute relentlessness of the beat I must keep up to.
“Hey! I’m busy feeling sorry for myself over here..can you slow down the tempo for once, please, fuckin’ Ringo!”
I’m not really feeling sorry for myself (Ahem!)
Not so long as I’m on the ‘Up and Up’, I’m alive and…well, I’m alive – that’s the important part to life.
You are alive. Your story amazes me! You seem so full of life even with all the dark that you must have been (and still be) fighting with. My hat’s off to you and so is my heart.
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Thank you so much for your inspiring words and thoughts, thank you.
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I bet you’re 110% right about the trend we’d find amongst us, AoA…
Love you, biggest of hugs happy Monday
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Very interesting.
I noticed something about Bee that seems to maybe have a connection to your post.
I noticed it early on, but even more now, looking through all the pictures we took and she sent me.
She often looks different. Can’t put my finger on what it is, it’s not her outside. It is more something in her look, her overall “being.”
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What happened to Bee to make her so afraid of abandonment, Shrimp? (If you don’t mind my asking…)
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I don’t know any specifics, have never been told a lot (except for the time when things got better before the big boom.)
But from what she told me it has to do with her mother.
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Well, I hope you eventually realize that certain parts of the ‘big boom’ were completely out of your control, and couldn’t have been swayed by anything you did or did not do for a different outcome. I think you made a good point in response to one of my former posts when you emphasized the ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’…you are very wise. Just sayin’…
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Cognitively I am aware of that sad fact. But emotions always trump, at least for me.
It’s a constant “butbutbut.”
Why can’t she see? Or does she see it and just switches it off?
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She likely sees it but can’t work with it…abandonment runs deeper than commitment sometimes. In my own past, the men who came the closest to showing me happiness were the ones I shut out somehow. They scared me. They reminded me. They almost got in and I couldn’t allow that.
YOU might have had a similar affect on Bee…?
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Sounds about right.
The way she handled certain things are still mysterious to me. Lots of questions, not understandable for an “outsider.”
Have you ever contacted them again?
Do you think of them from time to time?
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I regret alienating several of them very much. I have been in contact with one of them once since I self-fulfilled the prophecy on him…he hates me. 😦
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I think waaaaay too much
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Ha. I’d bet not even half as much as me lately. 😉
I feel like a teenage girl.
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Can’t reply further down….
Sorry to hear that. Well… I don’t hate her at all. And I will never do.
It hurts so much.
Threw everything away, just to start the cycle again. With someone that probably doesn’t even want to deal with it.
It just doesn’t make sense. At all.
She told me. She would never try again with someone else. “Why would I do that, it wouldn’t make sense. How are the chances of finding someone as understanding as you? None.”
Well.
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Damn. Idk what to say…besides to tell you to hang in there and try to be easy on yourself…hugs
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