Hindsight

Image“So, I, uh…found your blog yesterday…” his voice trails off at the lack of my response. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” my irritation must be palpable to him then;

He physically withdrawals before saying, “Tell me….uh, tell me how you feel, all that stuff about m-“

I cut him off before he can finish the final word of the sentence; highly distracted by my own thoughts on a subject having nothing to do with his sorry ass, I say without even looking in his direction, “What the fuck makes you think it’s about you?…Damn get over yourself, already.”

Of course, it was about him; and he knows this – because he knows what we’ve gone through and there’s no mistaking the details I written.

He makes an all-too-familiar face that looks like he just swallowed an entire peeled lemon with holes in it; and starts to shake his fat head at me in his typical, condescending way: his way of telling me that he’s smarter than me, and that I don’t know what I’m talking about.

“Whatever, that was then – when I wrote that…”

He breaks in with a matter-of-fact voice and says, “’Then’ was only like a month and a half ago, you know?”

“Oh look who can suddenly count days!” I cannot help myself; I’m fucking childish that way.

 

He waits…patiently, in one of his stuck-up, patriarchal poses that I’m sure he practices in the mirror during moments alone. I am uncomfortable; I do not want him here, nor do I want to discuss these meaningless things with him – I do not want to even know him anymore, wish I never had.

“Who fucking cares?” I stand from the step on the front porch, where I had hesitantly taken my seat moments before, my face is feeling hot and my blood pressure rises like a tidal wave in my veins; I say,

“There’s not a God damned thing in that blog that I didn’t tell you…I told you that shit more than once, as a matter of fact. YOU decided that those things were invalid to YOU, in case you conveniently don’t recall that part of things…”

He shoots a hand up from where he sits to grab my arm as I spin by him towards my front door; his face is pleading, as if he he’s lost or out of gasoline.

“DON’T touch me.” I am not afraid of this fat head; in fact, I am quite certain that despite his extraordinary mass in size and height, I could take him easily – because he is a total fucking pussy. But his touch makes me recoil and think of dark things and bad places – metaphoric of my disgust with myself for ever believing his eloquently constructed, pseudo-village of lies.

ImageI snap my hand away from his, and go inside – hammering the door closed behind me with a loud crack!

His muffled voice expels what I make out as various obscenities through the solid door as he shuffles down the porch and away from me; thank you Gods…thank you. What a varmint…must be nice on the planet he lives on.

14 thoughts on “Hindsight

  1. El Guapo says:

    That you can stand up for yourself like that is one of the things that gives me hope.

  2. Teela Hart says:

    Great rant AI and good for you for making a stand.
    I’ll get there one day.
    Hugs
    Tee

    • Tee…
      I’ve been thinkin steady about you – are you good?
      Yes, you WILL get there one day, sooner than you think. In ways, you’ve beat all of us there, long ago. I admire the Hell out of YOU.
      Hugs right back.
      AI

      • Teela Hart says:

        You’ve been on my mind too of late and the clubhouse.
        I’ve had a few couple of trying weeks. :/ (Dental shit, laptop acting the fool, you name it)
        I haven’t been able to blog much, but I’m working my way back slowly.
        I admire the Hell outta you too. I mean that.
        <3
        Tee

        • Well, if there’s ever anything you think I can maybe do for you – EVER, ANYTHING…you just say the word, Tee…you got it like that.

          • Teela Hart says:

            Thank you AI.
            You are so encouraging to me and I am really thankful for your support.
            Knowing you are there means more to me than you can imagine.
            It is hard going it alone sometimes, and I was so isolated for so many years it has become a bad habit. The only friends I have are here. Not one friend outside the cyber world and I guess it’s easy for me to forget that I don’t have to isolate anymore. The support I have here is REAL as if .y’all were sitting right beside me.
            You got me all teary eyed and shit.
            Thank you………

          • Thank you, too, Tee….
            …now I’m cryin’ too…
            pffft!
            You are doing the world a huge injustice when you forget that you aren’t a hostage anymore; because your color gets hidden away from us all.

          • Teela Hart says:

            I promise I’ll work on that……….

  3. Hiding2014 says:

    I love blogs… I love that people find them…. and then realize they have been exposed….. and then they get all boo-boo lipped because they realize how stupid they are.

  4. pepeshrimp says:

    Going from a “pleading face” to obscenities in a moment says a lot, if not everything.

  5. Yup…the Ripper was illiterate, thoroughly; couldn’t read, couldn’t write – was totally anti-school and back-country. WTF is up with that?…instead of education, they learn to beat up people smaller than they are…?