Image“So, I, uh…found your blog yesterday…” his voice trails off at the lack of my response. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” my irritation must be palpable to him then;

He physically withdrawals before saying, “Tell me….uh, tell me how you feel, all that stuff about m-“

I cut him off before he can finish the final word of the sentence; highly distracted by my own thoughts on a subject having nothing to do with his sorry ass, I say without even looking in his direction, “What the fuck makes you think it’s about you?…Damn get over yourself, already.”

Of course, it was about him; and he knows this – because he knows what we’ve gone through and there’s no mistaking the details I written.

He makes an all-too-familiar face that looks like he just swallowed an entire peeled lemon with holes in it; and starts to shake his fat head at me in his typical, condescending way: his way of telling me that he’s smarter than me, and that I don’t know what I’m talking about.

“Whatever, that was then – when I wrote that…”

He breaks in with a matter-of-fact voice and says, “’Then’ was only like a month and a half ago, you know?”

“Oh look who can suddenly count days!” I cannot help myself; I’m fucking childish that way.


He waits…patiently, in one of his stuck-up, patriarchal poses that I’m sure he practices in the mirror during moments alone. I am uncomfortable; I do not want him here, nor do I want to discuss these meaningless things with him – I do not want to even know him anymore, wish I never had.

“Who fucking cares?” I stand from the step on the front porch, where I had hesitantly taken my seat moments before, my face is feeling hot and my blood pressure rises like a tidal wave in my veins; I say,

“There’s not a God damned thing in that blog that I didn’t tell you…I told you that shit more than once, as a matter of fact. YOU decided that those things were invalid to YOU, in case you conveniently don’t recall that part of things…”

He shoots a hand up from where he sits to grab my arm as I spin by him towards my front door; his face is pleading, as if he he’s lost or out of gasoline.

“DON’T touch me.” I am not afraid of this fat head; in fact, I am quite certain that despite his extraordinary mass in size and height, I could take him easily – because he is a total fucking pussy. But his touch makes me recoil and think of dark things and bad places – metaphoric of my disgust with myself for ever believing his eloquently constructed, pseudo-village of lies.

ImageI snap my hand away from his, and go inside – hammering the door closed behind me with a loud crack!

His muffled voice expels what I make out as various obscenities through the solid door as he shuffles down the porch and away from me; thank you Gods…thank you. What a varmint…must be nice on the planet he lives on.

14 thoughts on “Hindsight

  1. El Guapo says:

    That you can stand up for yourself like that is one of the things that gives me hope.

  2. Teela Hart says:

    Great rant AI and good for you for making a stand.
    I’ll get there one day.

    • Tee…
      I’ve been thinkin steady about you – are you good?
      Yes, you WILL get there one day, sooner than you think. In ways, you’ve beat all of us there, long ago. I admire the Hell out of YOU.
      Hugs right back.

      • Teela Hart says:

        You’ve been on my mind too of late and the clubhouse.
        I’ve had a few couple of trying weeks. :/ (Dental shit, laptop acting the fool, you name it)
        I haven’t been able to blog much, but I’m working my way back slowly.
        I admire the Hell outta you too. I mean that.

        • Well, if there’s ever anything you think I can maybe do for you – EVER, ANYTHING…you just say the word, Tee…you got it like that.

          • Teela Hart says:

            Thank you AI.
            You are so encouraging to me and I am really thankful for your support.
            Knowing you are there means more to me than you can imagine.
            It is hard going it alone sometimes, and I was so isolated for so many years it has become a bad habit. The only friends I have are here. Not one friend outside the cyber world and I guess it’s easy for me to forget that I don’t have to isolate anymore. The support I have here is REAL as if .y’all were sitting right beside me.
            You got me all teary eyed and shit.
            Thank you………

          • Thank you, too, Tee….
            …now I’m cryin’ too…
            You are doing the world a huge injustice when you forget that you aren’t a hostage anymore; because your color gets hidden away from us all.

          • Teela Hart says:

            I promise I’ll work on that……….

  3. Hiding2014 says:

    I love blogs… I love that people find them…. and then realize they have been exposed….. and then they get all boo-boo lipped because they realize how stupid they are.

  4. pepeshrimp says:

    Going from a “pleading face” to obscenities in a moment says a lot, if not everything.

  5. Yup…the Ripper was illiterate, thoroughly; couldn’t read, couldn’t write – was totally anti-school and back-country. WTF is up with that?…instead of education, they learn to beat up people smaller than they are…?