That Way is ‘Up’.

2014-12-02_22.17.44It is December 5 today; 20 days away from the worst day of every year. In twenty days, I will spend another Christmas holiday alone, without anyone considered as family – without anyone who really cares one way or the other about the status of my presence – by 20 days from now, I will again be wishing for death, fast or slow.

All of the days leading up to that day will be filled with bad feelings and experiences, triggers and recollections that make me on edge and cranky as Hell; not a single day between then and today will leave me feeling even semi-complete, as I shop for gifts for the normal people in my life who celebrate the holidays like normal people – pretending.

All of the nights in between Christmas and last night will suck just as badly as the days, no rest for the wicked…or broken-hearted. I will dream of things that will never be and never could’ve been – wake up with that gut-empty feeling and feel afraid for three straight hours with each sunrise – never learning to put my finger on the source of these feelings to stop it, despite my frustrating efforts.

And Christmas Day, itself:

I will sleep as late as I can in an indentation at the edge of my cold bed – between it and the cold wall – I will force my tear-singed eyes to remain closed for as long as I possibly can because I won’t want to open them on that day, I promise. It feels as if the vicious cycle of my existence always gets close to erupting at this time of every year; everyone knows to leave me alone, everyone knows that there’s nothing they can do for me – there’s no solutions to offer or insight that’s worthy – everyone knows.

If I were stupid or lonely enough to expose myself to my extended family on that day, I’d regret it rather quickly; and eventually wind up saying something fucked up to a member of my own family in an over-anxious, depressed and defensive state, before storming out in tears. Been there, wrecked that. I call this entire song and dance “The Circle of Holiday Death” – it happens over and over and over and over. Each time that my heart, mind-state and blood pressure begin to “normalize” after the re-opened wounds, it’s Christmastime once again, and it all starts over.

People will ask me if I am okay until I will begin to respond with anger and irritability; they will not understand. Even my closest friends will avoid me because they simply CAN NOT offer me comfort in any way and they know this (the friends who have not already become totally overwhelmed by my reality and disappeared, altogether, that is).

I will seethe will anger at certain thoughts during this time of year: the people who have created this Living Hell for Boo being able to happily celebrate around a table with their own loved ones, their own precious children; my baby spending the day alone in a locked cage while being told that she’s unimportant and that everything that’s happened to her is her own fault.


And through it all, I MUST keep my grip on composure; for I am NO good to the (Gods willing) older Boo if I end up in prison or dead before she turns 18. I do not plan on abandoning Boo ever again – – no matter how fucking bad it hurts me to follow through with. SHE NEEDS ME; even if she doesn’t know it yet. I have long been aware of the fact that I can’t undo whatever it was that did Boo; I can only build from where we stand, upwards. Our “relationship” is so far gone that I don’t feel as if it’s even possible for us to grow any further apart anymore.

So I guess there’s just one direction to go with it all, when it comes to Boo.

21 thoughts on “That Way is ‘Up’.

  1. marcus says:

    I’m feeling you…and don’t call me shithead well, unless you need to, you know, express thyself for sanity sake.
    You keep letting it out doll and yes I can call you doll, all us old fuckers say doll, son, whippersnapper etcetera etcetera etcetera haha
    Ok, am high already and it’s just hit the noon hour. Time for a nap. Who knows I may wake up to being called Shithead! ;-p
    Go ahead punk, feelin lucky, make my day

  2. I am sorry. I hope you get some moments where it does not seem like a holiday season, so you can relax a little. You are in the wrong country. It is just everywhere here.

  3. words4jp says:

    I will be alone, too.

  4. JMC813 says:

    Whatever it takes to keep you moving forward my friend. I wish mere words could be any consolation but I won’t waste your time trying. Just know that there are many of us out here to lean on if ya need it. I am proud to be one of those “US’s”. Fight the fight like a fuckin soldier of fortune. Be as well as can be.

  5. I can’t honestly imagine what it would be like to have to live in the situation you’re in, but at the same time, I would want the strength you are mustering to keep trudging on.

    I don;t know that anything I could say – especially since I’m a relative newcomer to your blog, still – would even matter, but I would hope that I could offer you some strength in some sort of way. Your story truly pulls my heart and all of my compassion…

  6. mandy says:

    I’m sorry for how painful this time of year is, A. It’s always been my most dreaded time, too. Evidently from all the sirens, it’s a lot of people’s worst. This will be the first December I’ won’t be curled up in a ball. Only because I’m blogging and I’m aware of what happens so I’ll try to head it off. I’m pretending there is no holiday and so far it’s working. I hope the month passes quickly for you, A. I always hope a new year will CHANGE EVERYTHING. Is that too much? ❤❤

  7. Cat says:

    It can be such a difficult time of year. I spend it alone through choice family get together’s were always such a pain in the ass.