It Is What It Is.

Last night, at around 8pm, my phone started ringing in my pocket; I was surprised to see Boo’s name brightly lighting up the screen through the dimness in my lap, playing the custom ringtone “Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd loudly to the vibrating beat. It made so many wrong things feel right to talk to Boo on Christmas, last night…

It has been since our dog Ozzy died in late June, that we last spoke. Since we have seen one another, she had a birthday…our relationship truly couldn’t be any more estranged and alienated. The more time that passed by without any contact, the more guilt was stacking up behind each minute spent separated from each other like we have been forced to be. It’s been so, so long this way…inhumanely long. She writes to me often enough, robotic letters that hold no meaning – just words that she thinks she’s expected to write to her Mom at a given point in time. I admit, I have been withdrawn from her; which is inexcusable, so I won’t bother with coming up with any excuses behind this fact; it is what it is.

Last night, we talked for 37 minutes straight! This is by far the longest I can ever recall having a conversation with Boo (in person or on the phone) without some type of major drama or explosion on her part. We are typically like fire and water; and the older Boo grows, the less often have we been able to even remain in the same vicinity for very long without combustion. She is very different than I am, always has been. She thinks that I am a “goody-two-shoes” somehow; this is a truth that still just blows my mind. I’m not sure where she ever got that from, but that’s her perception of me. It is what it is. I think she is a disloyal and conniving, beautiful and intelligent little blonde, long-lashed, doe-eyed creature; who has unfortunately come to epitomize the poster child for the self-imposed cycle of traumatic experience; she wouldn’t even begin to know how to break down that label into anything that made any kind of sense, though…she barely reads. It is what it is.

We talked last night about all kinds of stuff that I wouldn’t have expected to talk about with her. She has decided that she’s gay again – which is a song and dance that she has played with me since she was thirteen years old – for a reaction that I can’t believe she hasn’t learned by now, she isn’t gonna get from me on that score. I always tell her without fail (and I mean it, too) that she can be with whoever she wants to be with and have my approval so long as it’s a healthy and somewhat “normal” relationship. I couldn’t give a shit if she’s gay. It is what it is.

We talked about her caseworker and how useless she is, which led to other conversations that got my blood boiling, as usual, in the context of that good for nothing, stinky bitch caseworker assigned to my daughter’s gig. Boo said, “I wish I could just get myself arrested somehow so I would get a probation officer, instead (of the caseworker)…”; a remark which at first made me cringe, until I remembered having once said the exact same words from a juvenile holding cell…damn…it is what it is.

23 thoughts on “It Is What It Is.

  1. JMC813 says:

    So very very heavy………You know I will be around for you if you need me. Never be hesitant to reach for the kindness of this friend.

    • Thank you John. ..I’m very blessed in many ways…one of them is YOU. XOXO

      • JMC813 says:

        Thank you J. Although I am not feeling all that blessed at the moment, I do know that I am lucky to have you in my corner.

        • I don’t like that you’re not feeling blessed, but I’m sure I have a clue why that might be…all I can say to you is: you make noble choices, so it seems; the noble choice will NEVER be the easy one for its maker…hang in Sweetie.

          • JMC813 says:

            It really hurts to be unselfish. Kills actually. But the selfish role has much longer lasting and widespread damaging effects. I know this yet……….All Ican say is thank you. I am so grateful for your support, and know it will always be returned.

          • I know this, John. I’ve known this.
            All my love to you. XOXOX

          • JMC813 says:

            Thank you also for the use of the word Noble. It is a very timely reminder to who I believe myself to be deep down. If I have the heart of a Lion as I believe I do than the Noble choice should be the ONLY choice.

          • I believe the Noble choice comes very naturally for you, Sweetie…and I’m sorry for the instances in which it equals a big emotional price for you as a result, like now…but try to keep in mind that even though THIS isn’t a circumstance that you are happy with – – – it is in motion with a purpose. XOXOX

          • JMC813 says:

            I find it very interesting that I just realized how fitting the title of this post is to what we are both speaking of right now. “It is what it is”………..

            It isn’t less, it CAN’T be more, It just IS.

            Bitter truth

          • …such a wise and awakened soul, you are…
            HUGS HUGS HUGS

  2. ERIC EASE says:

    Progress no matter how small is still progress. I don’t usually like to comment on personal posts between mother and child because some people get offended if I get it wrong. I will say that I will continue to pray for progress in your relationship with your daughter. Peace and blessings Americana. 🙂

  3. My sister has a tumultuous relationship with my nephew and she asked me for advice once. Since he was 17 at the time, I told her that the time to parent is too late; the only thing she could do at this point is to own her faults and express her love for him and appreciate his strengths.

    I’m not saying the situation is the same, but sometimes as parents, all we can do is love our kids while they live the life they see fit.

  4. anni6290 says:

    I am so glad you got to talked to Boo. Just to hear each others voices, so special. 🙂 hugs