I Bid Thee Farewell, 2014.

2014 has brought me things that I never could’ve imagined receiving last year – most notably: a new family.
This is going to come off as super lame to most of my readers because we aren’t mushy are we? But guess what? When it comes to this ONE thing…I’m a total marshmallow.
On January 5 of 2014, I was suicidal; I had just been released from a 48 hour “shoelaces watch” at the local EPS facility; I was not necessarily at “rock bottom” (I still had a roof over my head and some cash in my pockets, no drug addictions actively hunting my veins, so I had that going, I guess), but I had given up on myself and my future and my daughter and hers. I had lost HOPE.
I did not open a blog with the expectation of finding answers or peace, support or any of the kindred souls who belong to my affected cyber family…I honestly wanted to document my thoughts and feelings for Boo to have if she ever wanted them – after I was dead.
The responses and outpouring of support and feedback and strength that I found here overwhelmed me at first, and told me I had been all wrong about my fellow human beings. What I have slowly observed and has been set in stone since that time is something rather profound, in my opinion:

My cyber family is made of all types of people – men and women – old and young – from all over the world – (I adopted The Orphan here also). I never would have found “my shepherd” if I hadn’t opened the blog either, he was a direct result of The Orphan. The one thing that ties us closely to one another is strife. Some of us have seen horrific things that left scars in our hearts, on our skin, in our minds. Some have fought in uniform in my place for my freedom and comfort and lived to carry residual effects from it, some of my family was fucked up during childhood by the very people who were supposed to protect them and nurture them, and some are still being fucked up as I type this. The bottom line is that my cyber family is most certainly patched together with the pieces of many broken dreams, bones and family units; people who likely would not be able to sit and have a conversation with each other in real time due to PTSD, anxiety/trauma issues, agoraphobia, fear, etc. But when brought together here, the way it has happened, these people have each played their’ own role in helping me to simply SURVIVE 2014. Teela: Come back soon, in 2015, I miss you terribly.
My family here consists of all types of people from all walks of life, and death, and everywhere in between the two…without the comradery I have found and maintained through this blog, I honestly do not know what might have happened to me during the year we are about to put behind us, I honestly don’t. I can think of handfuls of times when I found comfort here, during times and trials that I had been unsuccessful in finding it anywhere else. My shrink even comments about the difference in my self-awareness, and I feel much more grounded from one day to the next, believe that one or not.
You’ll notice that I have not put quotation marks around the word family once throughout this post; and that was not an accidental thing…there are people here who I have never laid eyes on, never exchanged verbal conversation with, never talked to in depth beyond the themed pages of this website…but in whom I see and feel things that run deeper than some of my own flesh and blood. Mandy writes about “finding your tribe” and nurturing it…she’s dead on with that, and it shines from her spirit like a beacon these days. Avalanche writes about the growth and rebirth of trust with someone new…and she’s making that shit better than good. The Bear Trainer writes by accident about nothing but strength unique to her and no one else…and she has honed the ability to move my feet somehow. Marcus wrote pure kindness and sent it out even after his tragic death, so much literary wonder, he will be missed always… may he run the wild in spirit, forever. Through the horrible effect of Marcus’ death however, I was blessed with knowing his beloved wife, Felicia – another shining soul I consider to be part of my blogging family. Crashing Lessons…another one of my oldest followers, working out her ass until she brings out the sun for somebody…she makes me laugh and get all fuzzy, always has. Persia is raising a gladiator son, Maximus, on her own, in freedom these days…talkin’ shit and backing every word of it up. John continues to inspire me through our common literary languages and tastes; he recently carried me through the tragedy of Marcus’ sudden passing. Mr. Strange Triip continues to open my eyes to the wonders of Mother Nature and the kinship of tribal bloods, to slow me down. VooDoo, oh VooDoo – my special sister in insomnia and all things honest: keep writing your morsels of Life and Love and Darkness…I need to read them ‘til the day I die. Paris writes poetry like it’s a sport and she’s the champion title holder…another beautiful face with a matching soul. Cosmo is floating around, writing beautiful Haiku, and making that shit look easy. Thoughtful Prepper sailing around ready for the Apocalypse to pop off, schooling and fathering us all as he goes…
There have been so many people who have ushered me in one direction or another, with pure intentions since I started my blog in the beginning of 2014. El Guapo still even drops by from time to time – and HE IS MY OLDEST FOLLOWER. BDL Heart is newer but definitely one of my family; same goes for Anni. Ned, Cat, Starr, Red-Headed, Muscleheaded, Lobo, Recklessly Discreet, Eric, M, Joesister, HeartaFire, Frank Regan, Jessie Jeanine, shit there are so many others…I’ve got a big fucking family going on, eeeeeek!
Anyway, before I get carried away with it all, my point is to say thank you to all of you who make up my cyber-family here at my blog. A very heartfelt THANK YOU, from one survivor to many others.

35 thoughts on “I Bid Thee Farewell, 2014.

  1. floridaborne says:

    I enjoyed reading the sentiment in your post.

    When I first started to blog, I was told there were a lot of people out there who would write terrible replies just to upset bloggers. I’ve only had 1 mean reply in the 2 1/2 years I’ve been blogging. Your sentiments about bloggers being family rings so true. Never have I been met with such love and support.

    Before the internet, it was easy to feel alone in our experiences. With blogging, not only can we find people with similar situations but just knowing we’re not the only ones gives us hope. “Hope is the only thing stronger than fear” puts it into great perspective. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for taking the time to read and reply, this piece is, indeed, my testament to the power of collective empathy, love, acceptance, and loyalty. I am not a mushy person, and have always struggled with “closeness” to others; but this place has been a slap in my face on that score – one that I am grateful to have gotten. Much love to you in the New Year, and wishing you happiness and love. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You know how i feel about you and your heart and your mind and strength. You know how i wish i could put fingerprints on your face and your pain, to make you smile, even if for a second. Your laugh is lovely and i am blessed to know what it sounds like. You have inspired the gentleness in my bear and the fire in my mind. No one does that. You have held my hand from a far and smudged the lines i drew in the sand. I love you for that. I do. You are family to me. The kind that i know would ask no questions if i needed help of any kind and who would let me cry or laugh, stand or fall and understand me. Having said that – please know that you are just as important to the folk on here as we are to you. Im so glad we were found. Love you, gorgeous woman.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. anni6290 says:

    I love you sister, you are an answered prayer, you are my Boudicca 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. AI, I definitely don’t say this enough but I love you! You continue to awe and inspire me with your generosity of soul, talent, and dauntless will. 2015 is SO going to be your year. x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Av,
      I am SO gong to make it mine, damn it! 🙂 You have been an irreplaceable example to follow, Queen Bee…In case you have managed to forget somehow – I admire your spirit deeply and without limits, and am proud to call you family…you have most certainly had my back without question or fail. And I LOVE YOU too, always. Give your lil guy a New Year hug for me after you give yourself one. x

      Liked by 1 person

  5. secretangel says:

    Beautifully written and such an testament that we are all brothers and sisters, linked together with common struggles and together, we can overcome. God bless you and may all of your hopes and dreams come to fruition in 2015!!

    Like

  6. Reblogged this on Blog Of A Mad Black Woman and commented:
    I Must admit, I have come across some wonderful people on WordPress, who have helped me along my healing path. Americana Injustica is definitely one of them. She is a beautiful, strong, creative individual. I am blessed to know her.

    “Persia is raising a gladiator son, Maximus, on her own, in freedom these days” ~ Americana Injustica

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I can’t claim to be a part of your family since I only started following you. A shame that it took one of my best friends here, Marcus, death for me to find you. I’m here now & looking forward to a better 2015. Much love. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. JMC813 says:

    It truly is a reminder and testament to the existence of human kindness when the right family members are cosmically put in place here on WP. I am so grateful for my WP friends and especially you J. We are both warriors in life and in spirit. You truly are the spitfire that Marcus said you were and it is due to your vast strength and healing spirit. I am in awe of the closeness I feel to my WP family and was very touched by this tribute to your family. It is SO therapeutic to have all this support surrounding our personal issues all bolstered by the commonality of our individual creativity. Here is to everybody in my family and your family finding more peace and strength than imaginable in the year to come. Happy New Year my very dear friend.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. In so many cases, it’s Outsiders that get closest and offer us the best of themselves to such an extent that they become our Family.
    Welcome to 2015. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Cheers — and Happy New 2015 !!!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Keep safe, keep cool, good fortune to you, and KEEP TYPING!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Likewise my dear :-).
    Lets make it count eh?

    Liked by 1 person

  13. bdlheart says:

    I’ve been there-when you want to just say the hell with it. I can’t fight anymore. Last fall was the first time I went through it since the college years. I’m so sorry you hit the point of hopelessness. It sounds as though you are moving beyond hopelessness though. This piece evoked tears. Slowly, I’ve been letting my guard down with people in the blogosphere and it gives me strength and a sense of belonging. I’ve played the outcast most of my life and kept people at arms length. Starting to see it is safe to come out and play. Not everybody bites either literally or figuratively.
    Great post!
    Happy New Year and may this year bring you healing, love, and peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. mandy says:

    A, you have no idea the joy I feel right now through the tears. I really really needed to hear this, that you feel you have family, and a little bit loved–cuz you’re a whole lot loved. 2015 is just gonna be more of the same but a whole lot more. I’m sorry I don’t comment enough but you know I’m here on the other side, caring deeply for you and proud of your progress. Love ya!!♥

    Liked by 1 person

  15. tric says:

    You are doing brill. I wish you continued strength this new year. I too have been minded and strengthened by my online friends.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Max and I love you Beautiful! Lots of hugs and kisses.

    Liked by 1 person

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