2014 has brought me things that I never could’ve imagined receiving last year – most notably: a new family.
This is going to come off as super lame to most of my readers because we aren’t mushy are we? But guess what? When it comes to this ONE thing…I’m a total marshmallow.
On January 5 of 2014, I was suicidal; I had just been released from a 48 hour “shoelaces watch” at the local EPS facility; I was not necessarily at “rock bottom” (I still had a roof over my head and some cash in my pockets, no drug addictions actively hunting my veins, so I had that going, I guess), but I had given up on myself and my future and my daughter and hers. I had lost HOPE.
I did not open a blog with the expectation of finding answers or peace, support or any of the kindred souls who belong to my affected cyber family…I honestly wanted to document my thoughts and feelings for Boo to have if she ever wanted them – after I was dead.
The responses and outpouring of support and feedback and strength that I found here overwhelmed me at first, and told me I had been all wrong about my fellow human beings. What I have slowly observed and has been set in stone since that time is something rather profound, in my opinion:
My cyber family is made of all types of people – men and women – old and young – from all over the world – (I adopted The Orphan here also). I never would have found “my shepherd” if I hadn’t opened the blog either, he was a direct result of The Orphan. The one thing that ties us closely to one another is strife. Some of us have seen horrific things that left scars in our hearts, on our skin, in our minds. Some have fought in uniform in my place for my freedom and comfort and lived to carry residual effects from it, some of my family was fucked up during childhood by the very people who were supposed to protect them and nurture them, and some are still being fucked up as I type this. The bottom line is that my cyber family is most certainly patched together with the pieces of many broken dreams, bones and family units; people who likely would not be able to sit and have a conversation with each other in real time due to PTSD, anxiety/trauma issues, agoraphobia, fear, etc. But when brought together here, the way it has happened, these people have each played their’ own role in helping me to simply SURVIVE 2014. Teela: Come back soon, in 2015, I miss you terribly.
My family here consists of all types of people from all walks of life, and death, and everywhere in between the two…without the comradery I have found and maintained through this blog, I honestly do not know what might have happened to me during the year we are about to put behind us, I honestly don’t. I can think of handfuls of times when I found comfort here, during times and trials that I had been unsuccessful in finding it anywhere else. My shrink even comments about the difference in my self-awareness, and I feel much more grounded from one day to the next, believe that one or not.
You’ll notice that I have not put quotation marks around the word family once throughout this post; and that was not an accidental thing…there are people here who I have never laid eyes on, never exchanged verbal conversation with, never talked to in depth beyond the themed pages of this website…but in whom I see and feel things that run deeper than some of my own flesh and blood. Mandy writes about “finding your tribe” and nurturing it…she’s dead on with that, and it shines from her spirit like a beacon these days. Avalanche writes about the growth and rebirth of trust with someone new…and she’s making that shit better than good. The Bear Trainer writes by accident about nothing but strength unique to her and no one else…and she has honed the ability to move my feet somehow. Marcus wrote pure kindness and sent it out even after his tragic death, so much literary wonder, he will be missed always… may he run the wild in spirit, forever. Through the horrible effect of Marcus’ death however, I was blessed with knowing his beloved wife, Felicia – another shining soul I consider to be part of my blogging family. Crashing Lessons…another one of my oldest followers, working out her ass until she brings out the sun for somebody…she makes me laugh and get all fuzzy, always has. Persia is raising a gladiator son, Maximus, on her own, in freedom these days…talkin’ shit and backing every word of it up. John continues to inspire me through our common literary languages and tastes; he recently carried me through the tragedy of Marcus’ sudden passing. Mr. Strange Triip continues to open my eyes to the wonders of Mother Nature and the kinship of tribal bloods, to slow me down. VooDoo, oh VooDoo – my special sister in insomnia and all things honest: keep writing your morsels of Life and Love and Darkness…I need to read them ‘til the day I die. Paris writes poetry like it’s a sport and she’s the champion title holder…another beautiful face with a matching soul. Cosmo is floating around, writing beautiful Haiku, and making that shit look easy. Thoughtful Prepper sailing around ready for the Apocalypse to pop off, schooling and fathering us all as he goes…
There have been so many people who have ushered me in one direction or another, with pure intentions since I started my blog in the beginning of 2014. El Guapo still even drops by from time to time – and HE IS MY OLDEST FOLLOWER. BDL Heart is newer but definitely one of my family; same goes for Anni. Ned, Cat, Starr, Red-Headed, Muscleheaded, Lobo, Recklessly Discreet, Eric, M, Joesister, HeartaFire, Frank Regan, Jessie Jeanine, shit there are so many others…I’ve got a big fucking family going on, eeeeeek!
Anyway, before I get carried away with it all, my point is to say thank you to all of you who make up my cyber-family here at my blog. A very heartfelt THANK YOU, from one survivor to many others.