Black Days.

If you knew how it feels when you cut in,

with a blade to the core of my heart, within;

if you felt what I feel when the torture begins –

if you really loved this loveable person

under this bloody and broken skin…

I don’t think you’d be able to hurt me again.

When you say you’ve changed your evil ways,

when you promise me that I can believe what you say;

and my face is smeared and bleeding the very next day –

when you refuse to let me get away

            from the constant hurt and pain…

How can you even spit the words “I love you”, at me, anyway?

Once you broke my body, my mind fell next in line,

you battered it into something no longer reminiscent of mine;

once you knew that I’d still love you, even when you were unkind –

once you saw the ways by which my spirit is defined

            only a matter of mattered time…

before the Universe levels out, and the planets re-aligned.

If you could bleed the blood I’ve bled’

at the hands of your very own, singularly beloved;

if your heart stabbed so bad, that you wished you were dead –

if you spent every moment of your nights underneath dread

and your days cleaning up the wounds on your head…

I’m sure you would have already killed me, instead.

When your marks cover all of my visible parts,

yet, you can’t fight your despicable urges to tear me apart;

when the light shines onto what you’ve done again in the dark –

when you recognize the terror, so you’re sure to make it smart

            and you capitalize on my body, down to a medieval dungeon art…

it’s no wonder then, that my blood runs so burgundy from your heart.

This is a poem that recently found scribbled by hand into an old notebook I used to keep during my marriage/captivity. This is something that I wrote right around the very first time that I tried to leave my The Ripper, when I was eighteen years old and six months pregnant with Boo.

The important thing I would like anyone who reads this to keep in mind is…

I WENT BACK.

19 thoughts on “Black Days.

  1. kosmogonic says:

    Oh god, this has to be one of the most moving and sobering things I’ve ever read. Most of us, thankfully, can barely imagine the reality of such a nightmare like this, when your eyes open from sleep and the horror awakes again rather than dissipating. Your courage, even in sharing this, let alone enduring the thing itself, is totally humbling. Deepest respect. And all of this could easily and understandably detract from the fact that it is a fucking brilliant piece of poetry.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So many different types of freedom. … so may different types of bitter. Love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Aquileana says:

    Great poem…. I can relate with it in .. And particularly with the last two verses… I love in quite an unconditional way… It hurts!.
    Best wishes. Aquileana ⭐

    Liked by 1 person

  4. anni6290 says:

    real talk sister…love you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Read this today on National Hug Day. Wish I could give you a hug. Your inner strength is amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. What strength you have! Warrior woman!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. m says:

    Wish I could give the girl who wrote that a big hug! She went back, but she still got out in the end, and that is something BIG. It took me a long time to get out and stay out. The mind fucking may be worst and the only people who understand it are those who’ve been through it. There is no way to explain “why I went back” or “why i stayed” to someone who doesn’t know how it is. Especially when you’ve been kept drugged on top of the all the crazy making. I had no idea what was real and what was lies and what was drugs and what was me by the end.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. A.C. Dominguez says:

    Wow. Amazing poem. You may have gone back but he’s your ex-husband NOW, so I’m glad you got out! I hope that sociopath can never do this to anyone else. You put words together like a beautiful painting hanging up in a fancy museum. You painted a picture for me with this poem, a of picture of pain, heartbreak, sadness, tears but most of all of SURVIVAL and STRENGTH!!!! You definitely have a new fan!!!! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  9. JMC813 says:

    Heart wrenching………
    XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

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