Painful Pinches and Smiles.

Okay…

It has officially happened.

The Orphan is moving out – and I am so torn over it that I need to write a few things to hopefully clear my head…

Firstly, I am very happy for him, for his progress through his trauma and near-fatal divorce; with that said: I worry about him, he is ALWAYS in the cerebral with me…because he has become like family over the past half-year. Wow…

He has pretty much been gone all of the time anyway lately – assuring himself the right spots with all of the right people in the City, doing what he does best: rubbing elbows with Police Commissioners and Porn Actresses – and of course, surfing and swimming with sharks. I have already been feeling a hole where he used to be with me every day, all day – for days on end – before he had his own car and I was like his soccer mom…all of the shit that we got into when he first moved across the globe to come here and heal…all of the hours spent sucking down nicotine and coffee and bleeding our individual traumas all over each other. We were weird, our friendship is weird…but I love him like my own flesh and blood. And, I worry about my own flesh and blood – that’s just how I roll.

He doesn’t say

“I’m coming home”, anymore…he says,

“I’m coming over”….

It’s funny in a weird and twisted way:

The Orphan is a beautiful creature, inside and out (he could easily be one of those Greaser style models from Europe) but he sells himself so short in the realm of love and closeness…he has so very much to offer a woman someday when he feels like he’s ready to try that again, but I fear that he has turned cold permanently. His “new” persona doesn’t leave room for these things at all – robotic and frigid when it comes to matters of the heart (not towards me, but in general). This worries me, a lot. And it makes me sad and I begin to feel uncertain about his being on his own already, which I know is none of my business at the end of the day. But I can’t help but think that he might be just teetering still…and I do not want to throw him to the wolves before he can fend for himself completely…I am a worry wart, I know this….but I love him very much and he has come through so much recently…I don’t know…I just don’t know…

8 thoughts on “Painful Pinches and Smiles.

  1. tric says:

    I feel your pain! As for him never loving again, I hope you are wrong. I have a brother who hurt so badly after his marriage failed, but ten years later (last year) he married again, a woman who continues to make him whole.

  2. He will love again. But his mind will have to be set alight and he will follow that light… and the girl that does that for him will be worthy of him, and that adoration. Don’t underestimate the human’s need for companionship. (I know you don’t) I’m just reminding you. What happens on the surface is often not the case on the inside.

  3. Rise above says:

    Every mother has to let go of her fawn sometime.

    If he’s moving out, it’s because he wants to take the risk and perhaps feels secure enough to do so. Eventually he will be healed enough to let love in; it took a while for me to do this.

    Rest assured he will stumble along the way, but these are all valuable lessons on the path to finding himself again and letting those walls down. He will always come back home to you as you are his beacon of stability and someone he trusts.