The High Speed Wobbles.

Anybody who suffers from an “anxiety disorder” will know the wobbles well, most likely.

It happens to the very best of the best of us; no matter how far into ‘recovery’ and/or treatment we may be – it never completely leaves us for good, it always returns to remind us again…we have no control. It happens on a good day, a bad day, a day you never even make it out of bed at all.

For me, the wobbles tend to come out of nowhere, typically blindsiding me into submission to an emotional tsunami of anxiety, malcontent and paranoid fear. This seems to truly wash over everything – the thoughts in my head and heart, the feelings I harbor in general, my level of energy, my attention span, any motivational element in my life at a given time; I become consumed very quickly and completely by the anxiousness when this occurs. I become paranoid of my surroundings and the people in them; I lose any sense of reason. In turn, what usually happens, is that I trigger my own reflexive fight or flight response through the sudden increase of adrenaline and serotonin coursing through my body – and I react as if I were being attacked in a corner.

I know, it’s fucking disturbing…but true.

I have a roommate, I’ve written about him and his lack of understanding surrounding the details of the things that I struggle with from day to day, in regard to constant fear and perpetual edginess; he likes to scare me. He finds it amusing, which in all honesty, makes him NO DIFFERENT from 9 out 10 dudes that I know, unfortunately.He likes to hide in the shrub near the front door and wait for me to walk passed in the dark after work…he likes to pop out of random closets and spaces that I’d never be expecting him to pop out of. It’s unfortunate.

AS, IT’S DOES NOT AMUSE ME.

When I am startled by someone, in the moment, I do not see. I do not recognize you in the slightest, in spite of being only inches from your face and looking dead at you, I do not see you. I am not there. Somebody else must be; because it is during this slice of time after being startled by someone that my subconscious should recognize but doesn’t communicate such to my conscious mind, that my body honestly seems to just take over and do what it thinks I need to be doing in the moment that I get startled. As my roommate is learning  slowly, but ever-more surely – my typical reaction to being startled isn’t to run, after all…shocker! I’m a fighter! And apparently, I go for the eyeballs and face…we are mapping a pattern.

He doesn’t (and by all rights really couldn’t, anyway) get angry with me for physically assaulting him when this happens, he didn’t even hold a grudge four times back – when I pepper sprayed him, reflexively…

He cannot say that I haven’t warned him, and he cannot say that at this stage of things either – that he doesn’t have a good idea of what he’s looking to get into every time he shimmies himself between the shrub and the drainpipe when he hears my car alarm beep beep…so, I no longer feel in the least bad when I have to eat across the table from him when he bears a smeared nose or scratch marks into the corners of either eye. He asked for it.

13 thoughts on “The High Speed Wobbles.

  1. I know this one. I have a ten megaton startle response. Even after 20 years my partner still tends to take it personally. It’s hard for people who have never gone through trauma to really get it. Sad really…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. babyd21713 says:

    ok….this may seem harsh but he need’s his ass beaten and then thrown out of the house. Is he really that fucking cruel? Fuck I want to come over there and kick him out of the house lolol. This is unacceptable behavior obviously he has never been stalked or strangled the fuck…

    Sorry baby….Is that bad???? you struck a nerve with me lolol

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh honey I’m so sorry! He really isn’t a bad guy, really…just insensitive about trauma as he has lived a very sheltered and cush life…
      BIG BIG HUGS, beautiful.
      Thanks for having my back. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

      • babyd21713 says:

        Well….it IS insensitive and hurtful not only to himself lolol but for you and as your friend and room mate I don’t understand it. He needs to stop and especially if you ask him to…geeeeze. I am sorry I spewed off earlier as someone used to do that to me only it wasn’t a joke. I thought I was over it but when I read this I guess I freaked lolol. I will try to control myself in the future as I enjoy reading your words, thank you baby..

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Even after almost 30 years, I still get shaky hands, and it’s nothing to do with resting on a nerve or pins and needles. When your nerves are shot to hell, it takes a long time to get it together, and just once in a while, your body reminds you of where you were, where you’ve been and where you are now. It’s a never ending long journey.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I get angry. I broke a friends nose once… pure reflex. I am sorry about your anxiety.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I identify so well with that cornered animal feeling… I have generalized anxiety and panic disorder, and some days I just feel on-edge. Thankfully, the people in my life try to understand that and don’t provoke me, ’cause I’m sure I would do the same as you…

    Liked by 1 person

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