Two Steps Back.

I’m sitting in misery with one side of my face doubled in size; pain-killer-free because I am a non-practicing addict these days; in an exceptional amount of radiating pain…
I am angry today;
I am angry because I can’t dissociate and escape this…
I am angry because I am angry that I can’t dissociate…
I am angry about my decision to let people near me – near my life – today…
(This renders me far less able to detach and then isolate myself in order to crawl into the familiarity of the proverbial comfortable default “hole” to deal with things – solo).
Today, I feel notably angry that I have been so unable to foster and maintain anything worth a fuck in my time alive; I feel as if everything I touch disintegrates beneath my fingertips…
I am fearfully responsive today…
I got the wobbles last week and haven’t fully found my way completely out of the fear…
I am feeling unstable at the knees…
Again, I question everything… because all of my ‘hard-earned’ power and control over my own existence was removed temporarily (during the anxiety attack/ the wobbles) to remind me of my subjectivity with a fresh coat of “you are nothing”.
These are the days in which EVERYTHING and ALL OF IT seem to be futile…
Days like today render my spirit: obsolete and out-dated…

Tomorrow’s another day, though, ya’ll.

18 thoughts on “Two Steps Back.

  1. wbdeejay says:

    Your description of the wobbles helped me feel a lot better today, I’ve had quite a few of those lately, and Monday’s has left me a little shocked/traumatised.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. bdlheart says:

    I feel you. Hang in there. You are such an Inspiration! In moments of sadness I’ve read your blog posts and felt comfort. Your story let me know I’m not alone. Hugs times a million.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. words4jp says:

    i hope you are feeling better today – sometimes hiding is the the most comforting thing we can do – mentally and physically, except physically can be taxing, to say the least….my friend Bill used to say to kick myself in the ass – hard – it would take my mind off of any of the pain i was facing or feeling…i am still trying to figure out how to do that, since my knees do not bend in that fashion, but in theory it does sound like a good idea!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. anni6290 says:

    great big hugs my love!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So sorry about your pain my friend. Sucks balls & not in a good way. I’m glad you can’t go hide solo though & keep writing. I hope it helps you to get those thoughts out & put them behind you. Sending huge hugs! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. m says:

    hugs hang in there. we are always something; never, never nothing. i know that feeling, it’s quite the bitch and she fights dirty. but you, you are like me i think, for some of us giving up simply isn’t an option we have. when i get my magic wand i’ll be right over. 😉 for now another hug is the best i can do and it is all yours.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. ERIC EASE says:

    I am sorry to read about your face and pain. I know the feeling of wanting to but can’t when it comes to easing pain. I will be praying for you and your pain to subside my friend .

    Liked by 1 person

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