Public Display of Unaffection.

He doesn’t want me to climb a high mountain,
to declare what is what from up there, before all the land –
he’d rather if I weren’t publicly affectionate towards him,
his body stiffens anxiously whenever I reach out to hold his hand;
sometimes, the tone in which his voice carries to me,
snaps my bottom lip like he spat the crack of a smart whip –
other times, his overwhelming affections remind me, eerily,
of a man too drunk to walk without having taken a single sip;
He becomes uncomfortably uncomfortable,
when I lean closely into either one of his ears –
it’s as if he expects my whispers to transform into Vipers,
spitting venom that he would sooner die than to hear;
I know it is only a matter of time before he’s no longer mine,
and this fact only makes me make him even less interested –
he says that I don’t communicate my needs and desires to him,
but when I do express myself, he says he wishes I never did;
it seems to be a losing battle with him, when,
he pulls and I push and he lets go and I eat pavement –
it’s a no go zone – despite the fact that it’s my home,
like shoveling the snow as a blizzard lays new layers again;
he can’t possibly have been feeling what I feel,
to keep me veiled by a curtain that separates a room –
my declaration from the mountain might be to him instead,
if he doesn’t help me find a way to climb up there, and soon.

4 thoughts on “Public Display of Unaffection.

  1. shoe1000 says:

    A.I.,
    Shame is a very powerful thing. I know when I am in it, I am not as loving and kind as I believe I am.
    I think most men have PTSD from a parent, usually a father being abusive and telling the boy at the same time that he loves him. I also heard, “this hurts me more than it hurts you,” as I was getting ‘disciplined.’
    I am sad that you have to endure this.
    I only want to love, but when the unconscious pain gets triggered, the defense mechanisms come into play.
    Thanks for your words. They are “hauntingly familiar.”
    Warmly
    Jim

  2. This resonates so much. At times I was the unaffectionate & at times I have been the shunned one. It’s never easy but sometimes it’s worth it. Great piece. Xx hugs you