Hotboxed Minivans.

I go back and forth over those upcoming days:
do I dress myself up for Boo’s eighteenth birthday?
do I play myself down and just let her have space?
I will spend the first in silent awe of her beautiful face…

it’s so difficult to describe to anyone who may be asking –
in any words or phrases in any language that is known to me,
the deep losses and emptiness that linger above me, cloudily,
my mind feels confined to the place that’s defined by utter misery…

to be a mother to a daughter who’s lit the darkest of my nights,
a little girl who centered my world when nothing else felt right,
a little spirit whose existence is eternally intertwined with mine,
but, my girl has grown up to hold her standards anywhere but high…

most parents are worried about colleges and hot-boxed minivans,
my motherly fears are so vast and sincere, it has hijacked who I am,
after the few days we get for her birthday and high school graduation,
and to wrap it up – I have to leave there without her once again…

to have a daughter who calls you “Mama”,
and she brags about how young I am to her friends,
the absent parent, ‘Orphan Annie’ over-glorifications,
if she only knew how hard I’ve fought to stand in line and fall in…

things have gone so horribly wrong since they broke our family,
they’ve pushed her further and further so inconspicuously,
built a framework in her state of mind that disregarded me,
it’s not the eighteenth birthday party I’ve been imagining…

8 thoughts on “Hotboxed Minivans.

  1. Love and hugs my friend. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It makes perfect sense. Thank you I needed to hear that. ♥

    Like

  3. You will be you, and that is all that you can be – and that – is perfectly strong enough, perfectly intuitive enough, and perfectly you enough – don’t underestimate the fine strings that join parent and child, regardless of circumstance. She is YOUR daughter – and carries YOUR DNA – and she is clearly a fighter – even if things have unfolded in a way that is unpleasant… to say the least, the point is – is that you are linked, and maybe for her birthday you should give her a free you, and not a guilt ridden mama who over thinks a celebration of years.

    I hope that all made sense.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. kat says:

    i am so so sorry for what they did to you both. but i am glad you and she are there, both, now, for her 18th birthday. it is what it is.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. parispoems says:

    Hugs J, this is heart wrenching in its…your palpable pain…much love to you my very strong friend!
    xx Paris

    Liked by 1 person

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