Mindfuq.

Well, I’ve been trying to find out exactly how to put into words what I’ve been experiencing since my return from seeing my daughter (possibly for the last time ever).
On the day after her eighteenth birthday, she disappeared and left me to swallow the reality that she could truly care less about our extremely strained relationship ever getting better. I spent the next day and a half alone and in tears, until it was time to catch my flight back home. I knew it would only be a matter of time before she burned the bridges (as rickety as they were to begin with) between she and her “girlfriend’s” family and people; before she found herself excluded from whatever setting she had been so compelled to ditch me for.
Of course, I was right. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done to actually leave that place by my own will, seeing as how I truly feel as if I’ve walked slowly away from the arena in which she will be tortured and killed eventually. The years of her teenaged life have been spent with her running away – running away – running away…and now that she’s an “adult”, there’s no chasing her anymore. And, that’s what it all comes down to for me I guess, is the fact that I’ve spent so many years in having to “force” my way into her life, if I wanted to be there at all…which is anything but a good feeling when it comes to one’s only child.
Boo has found her way, once again, to right where she undeniably wants to be: a place where she is regularly treated like an animal by grown men who buy her for a few hours at a time to use as they like, before tossing her aside (if she’s lucky). The lies that she spent our time together in telling me only make my blood boil in retrospect:
“You never have to be on the street, Boo; you know as long as I have a roof over my head, so do you…”

“I’m done with that lifestyle Mom…I know that I deserve better than that…”
Her father was the master of telling me what I wanted to hear in order to get me to fall in line with his bullshit…and the older she gets – the more she makes his ways seem so feeble and small. I haven’t heard from her since that day…May 14th 2015; and now I am once again living in that mindfuq place where I am afraid to answer my phone again. I am back to waiting for that call in which I am told that she has been found dead somewhere in a garbage pile. It hurts. Bad.

36 thoughts on “Mindfuq.

  1. Jarrod C says:

    I’m truly sorry for this experience. I’m not a parent so I won’t pretend to understand the feelings you are experiencing. Unfortunately, your daughter has made her decision. That will likely be something you are never able to understand or accept. I hope that she finds the will and spirit inside of her to find her way back to you.

    I’ll keep you in my thoughts during this extremely difficult time.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am very sorry. I hope you are remembering the basics for yourself, water and protein and sleep. Take care of you.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Teela Hart says:

    I’m sorry AI
    I love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. tric says:

    I feel sick reading this. I am now a mother to three girls and a boy, but I was once that girl. I too rejected my mother, but not to the magnificent degree Boo has. There really is nothing you can do, but if in some small way you can keep in touch, not to change her, or to be her mother, but just to let her know you are not prepared to leave, it may on occasions help.
    My mum missed three of my childrens christenings because she thought I’d prefer her not to be there, in truth I resented her for not coming. Two different perspectives.
    Sadly it’s up to her to come back. i did, so never say never.
    Despite this comment I think, ‘shut up Tric, there are no words for what you are going through’.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Words fail, yet yours are so loaded as to bring reverent silence to my pen
    Respect

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Karin says:

    My son followed the same pattern. No parent who hasn’t gone through this can imagine the feeling of helplessness, pain and sheer terror. He has managed to turn himself around in the last year. I pray your daughter will see the light. ~ k

    Liked by 1 person

  7. kat says:

    i really don’t have words to say anything, except that this place you are in is truly the most horrible of all parents in my mind. i wish i could take you out of this terrible place, tell you she will come back to your life…but i can’t. but what i do know is that you have been the best mom you could be. you have never abandoned her, even when it was almost impossible to still be there, you found a way to do everything that you could to be support her, love her, protect her. and maybe right now, when it is so bad, you need to remind yourself what a good mother you have always been. i know it doesn’t stop the pain, but it might help it ebb a bit in time. thinking of you and sending warm thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. neighsayer says:

    fuck, AI, that really stinks. She’s an adult, you can’t force anything now, so we just have to hope that she sees that all her reacting out is only hurting her, hope that she can start living for her instead of trying to destroy herself to make a point . . .

    tough one. I hope she makes it.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Amy says:

    I feel for you. It gets even harder once our kids are adults.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. mommyx4boys says:

    The best advice i can give is to tell you to never give up hope, not when it comes to your children and fight like crazy to save them until you take your very last breath. My mother gave up on me a long time ago, we havent spoken in over four years and I can tell you from personal experience it hurts so bad to know that your mother doesnt care enough to even try. Good luck, you and your daughter will be in my prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I am sorry… for your heart and for your mind. I am not a mother so I wont even pretend … to comprehend. But I am sorry. The reality, for me as a non mother, is that we will never understand the choices that others make when from where we stand we can see the damage and the unraveling. But just because we see, and understand doesn’t mean that our anxiety put into words or any well intentioned gestures will ever be met with like minded desire for growth or betterment. My mother used to cry for me…. but she walked away when I was in my darkest places, because she couldn’t watch – and she knew she couldn’t help me. I was defiant and disgusting. Destructive and hell bent on my own hedonism. But she was (and I never told her) always my porch light in the dark. I hope your Boo feels that about you. I really do. Love.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. JunkChuck says:

    Oh, gods. I can’t imagine–not with any degree of honesty. i guess all you can do is make it clear you’re always there, ALWAYS–and hope for that moment of epiphany. She’ll always know, no matter how much she may calculate her actions to shock, punish, or appall you, no matter how much her demons drive her to rebellion and self-destruction, that you’ll be there, a safety line, a hand extended. In the meantime, in some small way, allow your friends–and faithful blog readers–provide the same for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Ned's Blog says:

    Being a parent of three teens and a 20-year-old, I can honestly say the pain in your words reverberates through me. I’m so sorry for both of you.

    Liked by 1 person

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