“For No Reason”.

Recently, I have been experiencing the old feelings and fears again “for no reason”, according to “Dr. Quackenfuck”…my blood pressure has risen to the terrifyingly high level again; my chest feels as if it’s been cinched inside of a medieval vice or something; even when I’m sitting on my ass and doing nothing – I can’t catch my breath to save my Life.
I am fully aware of the need for those in any medical profession (especially psychology or the like) to resort to the use of the term “for no reason” when they are unable to conclude any other reasonable cause for a given symptom – they have been doing that to me all along because they refuse to accept the REALITY that maybe I’m just simply beyond “fixing”. What the fuck are you supposed to do when your shrink has more faith in your mental state than you do, even deep down when nobody’s looking?
Life, for me, has come once again to a crossroads apparently…one in which I’m facing a decision between sanity and none – between survival and death – between will and abandon. I harbor this strange and indescribable notion lately that I have completed certain things that were necessary to complete prior to any absence of my future presence. I know that sounds drastic and it’s not meant to; I am NOT reaching out for help during a suicidal spiral through this post, I swear. I am stating what’s what – for me as much as it can be for the entertainment of anyone reading this…
I am confused and kinda angry lately; been spitting at the Gods often and cursing their’ being…I feel very resentful and even bitter towards everything that is (or isn’t) taking place in my life. I am not whining about things not happening to my own liking, please trust me…I am NOT the type of person who goes through Life with high expectations of happiness, fulfillment or, even the simplest of comforts, for that matter; I have learned that Life can be a nasty bitch without a second thought towards my own comfort or concerns. I have learned that the only way I am going get through Life will be via the state of complacency with specific truths; and I long-ago gave up on any ideas or daydreams of someday painting my own white picket fences or chasing rainbows into the future. I am real. I am grown. I am titanium against emotional strife; it’s a familiar element of being alive that I have come to master from one day to the next. Not all of these ways are “healthy” i.e. I am a total pothead (and despite regular poetry about alcohol, don’t partake in the LEGAL vice of liquor), I am driven to be highly physically active to the point physical exhaustion as a means of juggling my anxiety-ridden thoughts and keeping them from overtaking my ENTIRE lifestyle, and of course: there’s always my unhealthy adoration for firearms of any kind (but for stress relief shooting, I do prefer a long barrel rifle).
Anyway, I detach emotionally – I withdraw socially – I become paranoid and fearful, jumpy and sketchy…I become enveloped by feelings of distrust towards everyone I know and care about – young and old. I am a fucking train wreck and my shrink refuses to believe it, somehow…he says I have “no reason” to have the wobbles again at this stage of the game…whatever the fuck that means: “this stage of the game”.
Last time I checked, this was no fucking game by any stretch of the imagination…and if he doesn’t start taking me more seriously when I tell him things so extremely difficult to share with another human being that breathes, takes notes, and can repeat words – – – I will not go see him anymore. I will find someone new to traumatize every week, instead.

7 thoughts on ““For No Reason”.

  1. JunkChuck says:

    Another post of yours that I “like” as an acknowledgment of the sharing, not because I like what I’m reading. I’m with Sandi on this one and I worry that your shrink isn’t getting what from a distance looks pretty textbook. Frankly, from what I’ve read of your story over the past months, it’s a victory not only that you’re not more fucked up, but that you’re so self-aware. And yes, you scared me a little at the top of that post–thanks for the reassurances. Keep fighting–keep up the metaphorical bloodletting here, when it helps.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. PTSD is not for “no reason”(I am assuming you have it, because you are describing much of it). Sometimes it’s better, and sometimes it’s not. Your therapist sounds a bit incompetent. I hope he’s not one of those who thinks his patients ought to be “fixed” under his care and if they are not, then starts throwing around “no reason”s. Because then he is on a head trip.
    Have you tried EMDR? I apologize if I already asked that. I am asking a lot of people lately. I am thinking of trying it, but I don’t want to lose my edge. What if my hypervigilance just disappears and I end up not noticing anything? Or trusting people? Makes me shudder.
    Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. operahell says:

    Yeah I think you need a new therapist/mental health professional. Big hugs, I think for most people who have anxiety can attest that often there is not really “a reason” for having an anxiety/ panic attack, that’s why they are so painful and horrible to experience, because even the most rational part of you recognizes how irrational you are feeling when you are in the middle of it. Your therapist should be firm but supportive, but beyond all else, they need to listen to you. How else can they help you work through this? I am so sorry 😦

    Liked by 1 person

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