Still On Process.

In yet, another, whirlwind of dramatics and emotional shock, I am martyred by one or all of the others in this fucking hopeless situation. I am writing my commentary prior to a quoted copy the text message I received upon waking up yesterday morning – out of the fucking blue from my perception of things…I haven’t spoken to Boo since she was in the hospital in Arizona after she has been kidnapped, tortured and raped. It had been directly following that final contact that she decided (for no apparent reason outside of boredom?) to turn right around and make up some horrible bullshit story about our conversation. The story that she told my parents was nothing but lies, of course; and for once I had truth on my side, as they had both been standing right with me during the last time I was on the phone with Boo, so they knew that she was totally fabricating a story about me that was untrue as it gets. Neither of them say anything to her however, and so the whole thing served as just one more wedge Boo has put between she and I, and in my opinion: she does these types of things to me spitefully…there is just no other explanation.
So, unsurprisingly, she wound up in the hospital again two nights ago (I only received this information from my mother who promised to keep me posted) with “breathing difficulty”. She was close to being throttled to death at a tortuously slow pace with a belt by the man who kidnapped her only a month ago, she smokes methamphetamine like it’s her sport, she doesn’t eat right or take care of herself…so it really didn’t come as shock to me when she found herself having issues swallowing and/or breathing after another few days’ hard running; I didn’t react as if she were on her death bed somewhere. It has become rather difficult for me to even feel anything anymore, when it comes to Boo and her constant self-endangerment. I know that is awful, but it’s true…I almost feel as if any time or energy that I spend on her is just that – an expenditure…and one that I don’t have the means to cover after so many trips to the fucking bank with it.
Anyway, my mother went to see her without even updating me of the actual hospital or anything first; and proceeded to let Boo use her phone for whatever reason. On that phone, is EVERY text message that I have ever sent my mother (because my mom has no scruples at all when it comes to anyone else’ privacy etc.) and Boo read every last one. Needless to say, there were some recent messages that were not the definition of endearment in regard to her (SHE BEHAVES LIKE A FUCKING STREET RAT AND SHAMES ME REGULARLY); she hurt her own feelings by snooping through somebody else’s private shit, in essence.
I will be honest and admit that I DID send my mother a text during a volley we were having that pertained directly to the totally random bullshit song and dance that Boo made up after she and I last got off the phone. It hurts me deeply to be the first one that my ONLY child strikes at without a second thought; it is the most disheartening and discouraging notion to find out that your child badmouths you regularly – especially a child you have poured so very much into. I was hurt by the revival of Boo’s old ways regarding the lies she insists on telling about me, unwarranted lies that are damaging and lasting. I made the statement of:

“She is a hateful and spiteful little creature for telling you guys that…”

FROM: Boo
TO: Me

“I’m a spiteful and hateful creature…. You know what fuck you because a real mom would have been there for me when I was almost dying no matter what the situation is or was but, you’re selfish and you don’t want to be in my life this is just a way to get attention. I can’t believe you I wish you would just act like a Mom and not a sorry excuse of a sick person you blow my fucking mind you are crazy I’m glad you talk so much shit about me you are crazy and to be honest you need help but you already know that you don’t have any room to talk about me because you are even worse and is crazy how you can talk about your daughter like that when she’s in the hospital hanging by a thread you are sick and I can’t believe I still have love for you good luck in life and keep my name and life out of your mouth.”

18 thoughts on “Still On Process.

  1. mandy says:

    I’m so sorry A. It’s all too-familiar, having gone through almost the same with my daughter. I wish I could make it better ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Man
      I want you to NEVER forget that YOU are actually one person who can say that you have made my world a better and more bearable place. Until I found you I was sure this would be impossible to come out The Other Side of in one very functional piece…you’re kinda like my own Hobbit: you give me courage. Xx

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could do, some magic I could cast towards the both of you to make it all better. All I have is hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. tric says:

    I turned on my mum too after my abuser was charged. Nothing like you and Boo, but we didn’t really speak for years.
    I wanted my mum to try more, she didn’t, but I think even if she had I’d have punched her away.
    This is such a painful situation for you all. I’m so sorry.
    Mind you it is interesting that she said she still has love for you. I suppose as long as she’s on drugs there is no real hope of healing.
    Hope you’re okay.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. georgeforfun says:

    Even when we know the truth, untrue words can still pierce our hearts so deeply and wound us so much. I pray for her to come to her senses one day and realize the price you have paid in blood, sweat and tears trying to protect her and how wrong she is about you being a real Mother. I pray that your heart will know that she’s only reacting instead of accepting the truth that she is making her own decisions and living the consequences for those decisions or lack of decisions.
    I feel she is frustrated and hurting, but instead of admitting that she needs you and wants you to help, she is reacting without any forethought except to hurt you which she doesn’t know hurts her even more, not less. She thinks she wants to force you out of her life, but nothing can force a child from a Mother’s heart. She hasn’t learned that lesson yet. Sending you big hugs and wishes of strength abundantly, my dear Friend.
    👀 ♥ * ͜ * ♥ 👀

    Liked by 1 person

  5. kat says:

    there is only one consolation in all this…she still loves you, she still misses you. for all that she does otherwise, that is her being confused from her life experiences. she takes it out on you, because you are the only person, mom, who can take it and who will still always be there. she is like a small child having tantrums, wanting mom’s attention. and you are mom, waiting until it passes and being there after all that. she needs to learn the developmental lesson of ‘trust v mistrust’ usually learned as a child. but because of her childhood history, she never really learned to trust the world, the people in it. but she is still trying, with the skills she has, of tantrumming. and you are still being mom, still there, even after everything. (note: that doesn’t mean you need to actively chase her and try to make her grow in this regard. just keeping the door open will be enough, so she always knows, you’re still there.)

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Holy shit. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
    I hope everything begins to get better.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh my friend. My heart pours out to you. Sending love & hugs. Xx

    Liked by 2 people

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