Digestion.

At this very moment in time I am so overcome with love for Boo. There’s not a particular reason why besides that she’s my daughter. And despite it all, she’s so brave and so strong. Even if she has a complete lack of her own self-worth…she is beautiful.
My best friend Sam (more of a guardian angel the gods have blessed me with for whatever reason, I don’t ask questions) helped me to understand a key element of this nightmare situation a few weeks back…and yes its only barely setting in now.
She said,

“Babe, the Boo you are waiting for is not going to come back. She’s gone.”

Admittedly, this was NOT an easy conversation for me to digest; and luckily I have a best friend who understands my slow computation process; part of her likely expected me to explode at such a statement. But between me and my best friend, anything can be said without such lingering negative affect – and so the story goes. After my conversation with my best friend, I went through some different things: types of mourning, grief, and acceptance of a loss so deep that it cannot be treated or cured.
During all those trials and emotional roller-coasters, things continued to play out with the current situation surrounding Boo and her status, reinforcing the fears and sadness and loss. And then, something happened. The last time Boo was found unconscious and unresponsive – right before they gave her the first tracheotomy – my perspective and/or perception had shifted somehow.
Now, anytime I spend with Boo is different, but not in a bad way. I do somehow see her as a different girl from my own, yet, she is still my daughter. And, all I can do is try my best to be a good mother to the Boo before me today. She will not be the things I have been hoping to see her become…now at least, maybe never. But should the Boo I have today survive through this, there’s hope for a relationship with her, instead. Which is good enough for me.

17 thoughts on “Digestion.

  1. JunkChuck says:

    You’ve gone through so much while I’ve been away–I honestly don’t know what to say except that I’m glad you’re with her and finding these small moments of goodness between you. I think–no, I’m sure that the one thing I’d like more than anything else right now is for Boo to find her way, for both of you to embrace the love you have for each other amid all the frustration, and for both of you to realize you value. It was clear to me back when I read her angry text early in the month that she desperately needs you and, despite her words, was all but begging for your attention even as she seemed to be pushing you away.

    It is amazing how difficult and fucked up we make the whole human being thing, when it should be the simplest thing in the world. Damned opposable thumbs!

    Like

  2. charlypriest says:

    All my best wishes, and seems you do have a good friend as support. God bless beautiful and your daughter.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. thank goodness for bluntly honest good friends and their unconditional love laced reality lessons we need to hear but don’t want to hear or accept. Sam sounds like the person that always has your back, but knows sometimes she needs to get in your face, the perfect Guardian Angel. We will continue to keep you&Boo&family in our thoughts and prayers, and Sam if she doesn’t mind.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. neighsayer says:

    I wouldn’t mind hearing a little more detail on the change in your mind about her, AI. Of course you don’t owe us anything, but I’m curious and I won’t be able to stop myself from theorizing about it and making a fool of myself . . . if I stop this before I do, I’ll be amazed.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s hard to say…You’re a dad NS so i know you can relate to those heart strings that are always there. Its not until those strings get stretched beyond their ability though, that the “other” aspects even come into play. And the arena changes too…all I can say is that Life offers only change and death for certain…and we have to change alongside of it or die, I guess.

      Like

      • neighsayer says:

        OK, so here’s a way I can sort of think about it, like living in fear was a sort of illusion, that really, the disaster has already happened and there’s nothing to save but maybe something new to build? Maybe it’s a full-blown tragedy but the immediate crisis is lost and fighting that was sort of quixotic, like maybe all the bad shit is still there but there has been some lessening of pressure, pressure to fix the unfixable?

        I’m sure I’m way, way off, I just wanna take some of the pressure off of you too. Your life is tough enough without some kind of superhuman expectations as well . . .

        I’m sure I’m an asshole and I’m sorry.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. acquiescent72 says:

    I admit, I have a tough time reading your posts. A lot of it has such a…touch time working it’s way through my mind, because I can’t imagine trying to face some of the things you face. But as a parent, I also know what it’s like to hurt for your children, so in that respect it only made sense that my skin chilled as I read this.

    I have a family member who has a fractured relationship with her son, and I once told her that she can’t parent him anymore – he chose to not accept it any more – but that does not mean she can’t have a relationship with him. On some level, it’s like taking the threat of an expectation away.

    Just my two cents…
    …even if it actually falls short of that two cents. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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