Cyclical.

Throughout so much of the apparent bullshit that goes on with each new sunrise of my cursed life, I’d like to share the fact that there are NOTHING but vastly reaching tentacles of even more bullshit that belong to the variants attached to that same fucking existence.
For even when things are on the “upswing” for me (which never consists of anything more than a few not-so-bad things happening), my heart is ever struggling to simply remain above the ring of that proverbial drain; I am not throwing a pity party – anyone who really knows me at all will have no choice but to agree with my longtime proclamation of purely bad karma…it IS NOT “perception” or a matter of any “law of attraction”; it is TRUTH.
1) When my health gets to a point in which I have any room to move freely, my car breaks down with some fucking random, yet very expensive issue, and I get stuck until I become ill again;
2) When I become ill – nothing else matters besides getting better and it is always a fight that exhausts me to the point of near-submission;
3) By the time I “feel better”, I am so tired of fighting to feel better that I am at my own wit’s end with everything;
4) When I finally get my car repaired (a solution that attaches itself directly to MONEY), I run out of money and am again stuck until I get more income;
5) When I am sickly, it becomes all-too-often impossible to work for income;
6) When I get some income, it is already spent because I have been stagnant at home and have had to borrow from someone;
7) When I finally get back to feeling like I can possibly conquer even the simplest of steps in this horribly vicious cycle – my car breaks down again.

Granted, I am lucky to have people who help me, and my step dad loaned me his “spare” car; my own car is very close to being “repaired” once more (with the exception of brakes, which I was set out to pick up this morning in order for my nephew to change them today) – and of course there is no way in Hell that the Gods would allow things to go so smoothly for me, in my own fucking hell-hole life…my step dad’s spare won’t start this morning.

“Don’t freak out, I’ll pick you up and take you to the auto store to get your brakes…”

And nobody gets it…I don’t want a fucking ride to the fucking auto store to get the fucking brakes that I don’t even have the finances to buy right now!!! I don’t want anything from anyone who finds it funny when I can’t start the loaner car I’m forced to borrow because my own bread and butter has failed me once again!!! I am sick and fucking tired of the heavy weight I am dragging around by my ankle over the dread and anxiety of vehicular failure – and I cannot deal with AGAIN it today (with the car that I’m using while I have no car)!!!
I just want a single, fucking break!!! It never comes….NEVER.
The cycle of my existence is what is going to kill me eventually, not anything or anyone else. It will be the long-lived and suffered anxiousness and worry and dread that will finally stop my blackened heart. And to be honest, I can’t wait.

9 thoughts on “Cyclical.

  1. JunkChuck says:

    Been there–I have a non-writing business that relies upon machines, machines that never break one at a time, but seem to inevitably fall in a cascade of expensive parts that must be ordered, the back-ordered, or solved by more competent professional mechanics or technicians whose ministrations require weeks, not hours or even days of impatient waiting until my turn. And always when the money is low. ALWAYS.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with last commenter, indeed. But I will continue to send warm wished, hugs and lift up prayers of strength and love for you while you deal with these “potholes” on this already bumpy and curvy road of life you’re travelling on for now. I’ll light more candles when I go tonight. I wonder if the Priest will object to my mini-flame thrower.
    big hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “Life is a bad joke in which you’re the punchline, and the only one not laughing”
    My feelings on the subject, in oh so positive terms!
    Love the writing, keep it up and help us anti-social undercurrent have our own humour to fight the happy friggin blues!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. tric says:

    I too can’t like. I hope the rant helped and the cycle is soon broken.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. neighsayer says:

    ouch, dudette, you must have been Hitler in your last go ’round. Jesus.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I don’t feel I can ‘like’ this as it would be like kicking you when you are already down. Just know that I am thinking of you.

    Liked by 2 people

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