I have come to several understandings over these past few weeks while I have been MIA from my blog; I do not fully comprehend every element of every understanding I have found and tucked into a mental pocket – on the contrary, I have only been collecting these understandings to sort through on another day.
Boo was released from the hospital a week ago pending her next major surgery at Stanford (the one that focuses on the scar tissue building up at the base of her vocal chords and keeping from speaking on her own); she came home to my parents’ house because that’s where she wanted to go. My parents were gracious and forgiving enough to allow it (at the time that the decision was made, everyone was so desperate to keep Boo from returning to the track and many acceptations were made as a result of that desperation); it only took a matter of hours for Boo to begin to fall back into her old routines after being released from the hospital: wanting to go here or there on a whim, spending countless hours on my phone with any one of the stupid people she calls “friends”, being secretive and sneaky, dishonesty, shadiness, and eventually stealing again, too. My parents made her leave and I tried to let her come with me – but she proceeded to steal from Dice, my roommate right away. I can’t allow her to spread her affected instabilities to the realm of my ONLY safe haven; she had to leave my house as well.

She hasn’t changed; despite all of it, there isn’t even a slight shift into a more mature and/or personally responsible creature in regard to who Boo continues to be.

The thing that has driven the biggest and longest standing wedge between my daughter and me in more recent years has been BOO. Boo is 110% incapable of owning her faults, much less her personal actions…it is increasingly more impossible to try and reason with her at any given time because she has this obnoxious entitlement issue that causes her to fly off the handle defensively whenever she fucks up – which is often. As soon as she becomes aware that I’m onto her, or as soon as I call her out on anything shady or dishonest that she does, she blows up and leaves (especially now that she can play her “I’m eighteen” card). It’s always been this way though, even when she was very young – her best defense has always been a good offense. And she makes certain that by the time she’s ready to come back into one of our homes, we are so happy she’s alive and safe that one of us will bend and let her in.
I am sick of it. It is unhealthy. I see what it is doing to my parents again, mentally and spiritually and financially, and I can’t let it continue. The question now is:
How will I clarify myself on this issue for all to understand and perpetually respect? Is that even possible?
I will not allow my child to hold my family hostage through her outrageous behaviors anymore; things have changed for me since she turned eighteen, also, and it is a card that I can now play as well. But where is the line that defines dead and cold from wounded and bleeding out slowly in the snow? All that know for sure is that I will not spend a single year more of my own life in feeling as if my very existence is hinged upon Boo’s behavior and the things that her behaviors create in the lives of those around her. There was a point when it dawned on me: how her father continues to abuse me through her very actions…I escaped her father and have risen above his reach, such abuse cannot continue in any context.
At what point does it become okay to admit how unhealthy my own child has been to my own livelihood and how destructive she continues to be in the midst of the tiny village I have managed to construct and maintain in her absence?

16 thoughts on “Teeter.

  1. I looked you up today because I hadn’t read anything by you in so long, that I was worried. I am sorry it did not work out the way it should have. I haven’t got any answers for you, though I wish I did. But I have trouble with those lines, too. Take good care of yourself. Eat well and maintain your health to your best. Because those basics matter a lot during times of stress or upset, and are easy to forget. Hugs and best wishes.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So glad to see you back, dear Friend. Your words ring so true and as much as I wish you or I could fix this just by praying and hoping, you’re right, the only one who can fix Boo is Boo. It hurts down to the soul to see someone you love self-destruct, but you can’t be terrorized or blackmailed by her any more. Tough love is more often tougher on the one(s) that has/have to put a foot down. I never understood until way later in life when I would screw up and Dad at 6’4″ 380+lbs would say “This hurts me more than it does me” right before and after I got my “woodshed visit”. Who the heck was he trying to convince with that logic of his? After he passed and I inherited 6 Sisters to raise, Geez, he was right. I haven’t quit praying for a better solution to this, nor have I given up hoping either for you and your parents to have some peace in your hearts and lives. You’ve done nothing to deserve this treatment and I surely hope someday Boo will see the Light to lead herself out of the Darkness that she’s chosen so far to remain in. May she learn to discern one day the real Right from Wrong and Safety from Danger. Reaching eighteen sadly doesn’t guarantee any sense of Adulthood or responsibility from some people, hell I know immature 40+ year olds who have coasted through life and so lucky to have survived until this day. You can only do what you can and when it’s not enough, like the Lifeguard trying to rescue a confused swimmer who sees him as an enemy, you have to save yourself.
    You can’t beat yourself up anymore and like you say, allow her father to haunt you through Boo. You are a survivor, my Friend, and deserve to live a life free of the bad decisions being made by someone who is no longer your responsibility or will listen to your advice or really desires your help, she only wants to use whatever she can to get her way and if you let her play the guilt or Motherly love card, she’ll just get worse, if that’s imaginable after all you’ve experienced with her so far in her short existence on this earth. It sucks, but you need your own life, your freedom, and damn sure your peace of mind and heart in your life.
    I pray for you to be blessed with strength to endure. Just know you are loved, my Friend and even when you think you’re alone, you’re not.
    Even with the mixed news, I am glad you’re back in touch.
    👀 ♥ * ͜ * ♥ 👀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Tough call, she is your daughter after all. Unfortunately you can’t turn off the self destruct switch, and as Tric above says, only Boo can help Boo.
    I suppose as with fostering, you can only be supportive but you lay down the terms and boundaries of what is and isn’t acceptable.
    Why is it some kids are intent of destroying the lives of those that care.
    Been thinking of you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. abubhaji says:

    I wish the best for you, and Boo. Kids are precious and they also wreak havok on the soul. The reach of the Ex is forever there through them too, to some degree. There is always hope. Parenting can be tough, really really tough. But. I have experienced teens with major issues grow into solid people. I’ve watched them naively dig holes for themselves. But, I’ve also seem them crawl back out. I’ve seen good things happen and I hope that you experience some of that goodness soon. Love strong but don’t take no shit. Be honest, to Boo, and to yourself. If the folks want to help some, let ’em, many look for the opportunity but don’t let Boo take advantage. I hope all works out in Stanford. I have a sister there, meeting with specialists for surgery, this week. Hang in there and welcome back!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. tric says:

    I’ve no words but I agree she is definitely toxic to herself and all around her. There certainly comes a time when enough is enough. She’s 18, time to make an effort and stop blaming the world. Unfortunately only Boo can help Boo.
    Doesn’t make it easy for you though. Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

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