All My Dirt.

I am randomly typpling (type babbling), yes, I know this… my personal Microsoft Word screen seriously could fuck me with all the secrets and truths it has seen at my hand, fuck it though…transparency is the new thing isn’t it?

I have given up my appearance altogether, I suppose…couldn’t tell you when the last time I looked in a mirror at myself…hmmmm…the possible causes behind this fact aren’t lost on me, either…
Something is happening inside of me again; although I couldn’t possibly describe any of what those “somethings” may actually be in the big picture of things; and I am not trying to find any way to describe it – there’s just a slew of mental data on upload at present; and my mental data down-link seems to be broken, too. There’s just a fuck-ton of shit coming in, and nothing moving aside to make room for it; if that even makes sense to anyone reading this.

Failure:
Failure is something has come to define my every moment of each passing day for me; it began slowly when Boo was put into “residential treatment” almost a decade ago and only snowballed from that point on. The many things that have subsequently gone horribly awry since then have accumulated into a vast and freezing cold tomb; each instance of my own perceived failings stacking up against the previous until the room shrinks. Failure has been something that I struggle with regularly, and I often lose the fight with it because of its overwhelming and constant presence. I go to a psychiatrist based on this failure (and its many facets and faces); he repeatedly instructs me to “just let it go”…
Abandonment:
Abandonment is another key element that is deeply embedded in my marred psychological profile; this element is born of my inability to “just let it go” when it came to my inter-personal relationships with parents during infancy and childhood (most notably a then ever-absent mother). It has mutated the human being that I was born as into a different version of who I might have been in a “healthy and/or intact family setting”; over time, it has warped my perception of others who I feel any closeness to – a mechanism of the emotionally fearful and unstable. I am extremely insecure inter-personally, and it only becomes an exacerbated symptom when I give two shits about the other person involved. I am afraid of people in general; not in a physically cowed way though…I am terrified of interacting with others because of the emotional traumas that inevitably attach themselves to each and every experience with closeness to another human being (or the socially mutated versions of one).

Truth:
Truth is another crucial piece of who I am from one moment to the next; it has come to burn in my veins like molten lava these days, and growing increasingly more important to every nano-thought in my head. Acceptance of truth is part of this element; and as painful as this aspect often is for me, in my own experiences, the truth carries weight that is undeniably addictive to my heart, spirit and mind somehow…
Perhaps after all, “the truth shall set me free”.

3 thoughts on “All My Dirt.

  1. Expectation is a twisted thing. We don’t know if its reasonable or not – not when we are up in the air, and even when we are laying face down down on the ground. I think you hope… for everything from the people that never give it, and count the heart beats till failure by your own hands. But you pull the pin pretty good… before you start counting. And when its not you that pulled the pin, you claim responsibility anyway, because… it feels right. You got the short straw, the band hand, and the raw deal… and there is no pretty fluffy pink and frilly way to make that feel better. You got a kid who doesn’t know her ass from her face when it comes to what’s important – and you – who just wants the natural order of things to be peaceful, kind, and for the people in your world who are supposed to act like family to be a bit more conventional about it. Even if that’s not what you cognitively realise. BUt truth be told, you were robbed, of some basics. And the messed up part is that you have bent over further than anyone ever did for you… with what support structure? And you’re saying you failed?? As what? A mom? A human being? Yeah… because you did that all to yourself. sigh

    I love you. Truth is crucial. You are right. Expectations and truth are two very different things. History does not define your truth. J, listen to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. abubhaji says:

    Goodness, A – you’re going through it. Failure is often seen as a bad thing. It can be a good thing. Fail forward. Own it. Don’t just “let it go”, own it and redefine it. Babe Ruth’s home-run record was built on his other record, the one for the most strike-outs. I realize that’s easier said than done, and it’s being said by someone that also has a fuck-ton of shit coming in (the only thing constant is change and a fuck-ton of shit!). Be you. You haven’t failed that and you haven’t failed sharing you with us. Keep swinging! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I cannot imagine how things are for you, and can only reflect on times when I felt everything was closing in on me, I could see no way out, and the stifling darkness was more apparent than light. I felt I couldn’t let go, and then ‘It’ let go of me, leaving me in one hell of an emotional mess.
    Finally I could see the real issues, I was in the wrong place with the wrong person at the wrong time for the wrong reasons, and didn’t like myself for it .
    It took time but I got my life sorted, and although third parties got hurt, for which I am sorry, I was the misfit, and by then was strong enough to get out. My brother and father were brilliant in their support, as were my boss and GP at the time of my ‘healing process’.
    I hope things work out for you, and you find support through the sanctuary of blogging. From reading your posts and comments, there are lot of people who care. Draw strength from them.

    Liked by 1 person

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