The most frustrating paradox belonging to me at present would most certainly be the one that defines everything that I am or am not; all that I tried and failed at being; and/or everything that I have been and will never be again:
An element of existence that surely defines EVERYTHING from one moment to the next, and undoubtedly plays a large role in things like perception, willingness and overall opinions; of course, I am referring to my “attitude”. My attitude sucks for the most part right now, I admit it. I am nearly impossible to satisfy in any context right now; I am constantly harassing myself to “perfect” things, because I can’t do anything right the first time around. I am most certainly very, very ugly on the inside right about now. My thoughts weigh in salty and stained by the weight of darkness; my emotions are completely out of my own hands; I have to trust that the “guardian” (that’s what I call this state-of-mind and being because most of ME is absent right now, huge parts of my consciousness are detached) will make decisions that will carry me through, somehow. Apparently, one of those decisions has been to just go cold in order to persevere; because I have been stoic, silent, and all-around numb in regard to my daughter and the loss of whatever hope I had for her. But I have felt the attached loss and painful emotions, just not very often and not in excess (as even I anticipated); I have not been managing my emotions either, though – not necessarily allowing myself to go through them and let them be what they are…so it’s still this Limbo-esque sense of teetering.
The paradox to which I refer in all of this is a constant punch in my throat, however, and I am curious to get anyone else’s opinions and/or input on this specific topic.
Those of us who have been wounded – truly wounded to the very core of our being – are NEVER able to revert back to the sub-conscious place that they resided before being broken; we can go to support groups to try and get better at our issues, but we will never be back to whatever we were before being mistreated. We can see therapists for fear of abandonment and/or commitment, we can talk about our problems until we go hoarse – it will not replenish what has been taken away. Despite any and all of the things that the physically/psychologically/emotionally wounded may do to better ourselves and empower the victim inside of us, our traumas CHANGE us permanently. This is no secret to me, and hasn’t been for quite some time; and in turn, I have gradually adjusted my attitude to better compliment such alterations in my character. For example, I have been disappointed so many times by so many people throughout my life so far (men in particularly) that my expectations have dropped down to nearly nothing when it comes to others. This way, I am rarely let down. This circumstance illustrates a comprehensive math equation in my opinion; it’s simple enough to deduce – self-explanatory.
On the other hand, I have earned the label of “Pessimist” as a result of my constant expectation of negative experiences, as opposed to positive ones. It really shouldn’t shock a living soul that my glass is half-empty, at best. Anybody with half a brain cell who knows ANYTHING about me and my Life’s journeys, thus far, would be a complete idiot (in my opinion) to think anything other than that I keep a half-full glass…why the fuck would I? I have no reason to be positive; I have no cause for optimism…been there, done that shit, repeatedly found myself being the dumbass for the poor management of my own expectations. But it does bother me when people say that I am a pessimist; because as much as I can admit that I am NOT Miss Merry Sunshine on the sunniest of days, I also feel pretty certain that if I truly were a pessimist, I would have never made it this far at all.