Home.

Things are happening; I have already started to pull out every box and crate stored in my garage; in order to sift through and keep only what’s truly necessary, I must touch each thing.

It’s almost comical…how all of the things I have nearly killed myself in order to hang on to for so long will soon be thrown out. These things turn out to mean nothing; and to serve no purpose at all…outside of painful reminders to me of a former identity that’s become a bitterly recalled ghost. Things are changing; big ideas are being rolled into balls and set into motion around me – and I have been called off the bench to get into the game. I intend to play like never before once I get on the field, believe me…

But Life is funny this way, isn’t it? At last, I have lost everything; I don’t mean that in a pitiful sense, either. I mean to emphasize how I have nothing to lose anymore – no child to set a good example for – nobody to financially support or look after – no career left – no social life or REAL friends nearby. I am finally unbound from the courts and the juvenile delinquent joke-of-a-system; I have no warrants out for my arrest, no news anchors left to stalk me from my front porch, no family (besides my brothers and theirs’, of course).

I have had no drive or motivation; I have been feeling essentially hopeless and as if my Life has been winding down to its final scenes, somehow. Things have been exceptionally dark and dreary here in my world – and any of my regular readers know how and why this has all come about; it’s almost just a natural result of the absolute deflation attached to Boo, and my former identity’s faith in her “recovery”. Either way, the word STAGNANT comes first to mind when I try to search for a fitting descriptive word…yes, I have been quite stagnant.

All that being said, I have recently become the (un)secret winner of the (un)secret lottery; and things are beginning to open up, for lack of a better term. I am now fully planning to make an enormous shift – like to a different continent and country – to a different time and equatorial zone – to a new beach and ocean with different animals and an unfamiliar salinity in the water…I am finally leaving this Gods-forsaken shit-hole of a “life” in my dust…and the actuality of the whole thing is beginning to sink in with me.

I have, at last, told some people that matter to me such as two of my brothers, my mother, and my former boss – a big step in the process. I have emotionally shut myself down to the negative reactions; and have perfected my responses to inevitable arguments; I guess the point is that it’s finally starting to move a teeny bit, all of it. And, for the first time in so fucking long, I have a curious level of hope…hope for my own days to come.

An unexpected and uncharted chance; at …something good and wholesome; something meaningful and fulfilling to the broken spirit I harbor…something like “home”.

 

 

 

 

19 thoughts on “Home.

  1. tedgiffin says:

    Reminds me of that line from a song, When you got nuthin’ , you got Nuthin’ to lose. It seems that right now, what you do have is a glimmer of HOPE, and that is a good thing, indeed.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t know where you’re going, but I hope it is the best place in the world. You deserve hope. You deserve peace. And joy – you deserve things and people that make you smile on the inside as well as the outside. My wish for you is continued hope that opens doors of incredible possibility xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. JMC813 says:

    Welcome Home friend. I am sure those distant shores are waiting with open arms and possibilities as vast as the ocean itself.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Reblogged this on georgeforfun and commented:

    then just go do what’s best for you and finally enjoy the rest of your life in peace wherever you choose to do so. Damn it, you sure deserve it and moreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) \”◉ ◡ ◉”/ Hugs&💨 💋

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am proud of you. There is healing and peace in the soil and in the bark of the trees that grow bent into the winds that blow in the face of the oceans. I sat in a beat up taxi today and the driver was commenting on a fat man riding at snails pace on a bike in front of us and I wondered if you would have understood a word that was said… and it made me smile. Because in not too long from now… you will be patting a dog called Bernison on the head, sipping a coffee, and asking me ‘what the fuck I was thinking putting so much peanut butter onto one slice of apple.’

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Rita says:

    No words but YAY spring to my mind.

    Grab that hope by its frigging throat and refuse to let it out of your sight.

    It’s your fucking turn on the podium!

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Simon says:

    I hope you find something good for yourself and the darkness lifts even if just a little. I can’t imagine it will ever be far away. But whatever happens I’ll be cheering you on! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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