People have this need…to tell themselves certain things in order to cope with Life (and Death too, I guess). I have noticed it many times over the years I’ve spent as a recovering “victim of domestic/traumatic violence”, the way that people are too quick to look past the ugly realities attached to circumstances they talk about or make reference to in regard to how Life works for those of us who have made it to the other side of such a precariously lethal situation. They seem to think Life just POOF! gets alright again. Um, huh?

Because, no…it isn’t just “all better” for the survivor of violence; and I don’t fail to mention a survivor of a non-violent sociopath and/or narcissist who has chewed them up and spit them out on an emotional level. For me, Life on the other side of that former living nightmare is much more infused with freedom, yes; but not without a plethora of other issues that have been born since I got to this side.

I am not a case in which I remain unable to heal and progress toward what is considered “normal” social behavior; and I strive to maintain at least a minor connection to the outside world at all times so as to not become a total recluse cat lady. However, in spite of the things I do in this arena, the fact is unchanging at the end of every single day:

my ex-husband tried to murder me in a fit of deluded rage after psychologically terrorizing and physically torturing me for the duration of our marriage.

Unfortunately, the absolute betrayal and violation that I associate with those experiences in my past have changed the way that my brain responds to the male persuasion. I am a train wreck in “relationships”; I cannot trust a man on any serious level no matter how badly I may want to; that said:

without trust, there can only ever be NOTHING.


9 thoughts on “Nothing.

  1. I both agree & disagree with this post…trust is a very tricky thing but in relation to the “long haul” I think time will tell. I have HUGE trust issues stemming from numerous past events & I really never fully trust anyone. However…. We all see what we want to see. If we want to see ugly, we see ugly. If we choose to see beautiful…then maybe just maybe there can be a little magic. Love you sweets & miss your heart. Just wanted to check in. Hope you are well. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Rita says:

    I have always been deeply moved by a quote of Rose Kennedy’s:

    “It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don’t agree. The wounds remain. Time – the mind, protecting its sanity – covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.”

    I have not endured the level of brutality you survived, AJ, but the early childhood violence filtered everything I did and every choice I made after – still does. I guess I created my own normal and the other be damned. It became about survival.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Violence during childhood is much more severe than anything that happens to an adult, in my opinion…look what it did to my daughter to be aware of what her father did to her mother…I salute you and admire the epitome of strength that any childhood trauma survivor carries by necessity. Hugs.
      And thanks for sharing the quote right when I needed something meaningful to chew on. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Trust is everything.

    Great post. Have a good weekend.

    Liked by 1 person

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