Begins A Dread Ending.

Well, the biopsy results came back this morning…my mother has officially been given 1 to 2 years to live, “depending on her treatment choices”…stage 4 lung cancer that has already metastasized quite aggressively, hence that huge lump growing on her neck that I wrote about recently.

When I was driving her back to her job following this news, it was weird, almost like for the first time in my conscious memory, I didn’t want to let her out of my car – I didn’t want her to go. I’ve tried twice to speak to her since then, and had to hang up abruptly both times because I choked up completely, like a desperately bitter child.

Due to the location of the lump in her throat (it straddles her carotid artery), they have had a difficult time in diagnosing this because they didn’t want to biopsy the regular way and cut her by accident. In the meantime, she was given x-ray, CT scan, and sonogram in order to get precise measurements of its position in relation to her veins and arteries. I took her for a radiology appointment last week; when I saw the thing on the screen in the sonogram room, I went cold; something about it made my knees like jelly for a few seconds, I just got this sense of what it was – the finality it represents…I had to sit down.

26 thoughts on “Begins A Dread Ending.

  1. Captain Q says:

    …I’m sorry…

  2. I am so very, very sorry, especially as this is a little close to home for me at the moment. My thoughts are with you and your Mum.

  3. My thoughts are with you x

  4. Rita says:

    Oh AJ, I’m so very sorry to read this. My love to you and your mom. Big hug ❤️❤️❤️

  5. tric says:

    So so sorry to read this news. It’s so very difficult when, ever after, becomes a lot less ‘ever’.
    I’m not sure if it will help in any way but my dad was diagnosed with MND many years ago and passed away after a horrendous two years. I wrote a post about ‘time’ on my blog. My point was that when we were given less time instead of life speeding up it actually slowed down.We began to live day by day, hour by hour and eventually minute by minute. Despite the sorrow, pain and horror of it all we had been given time. Time to enjoy and appreciate each other and life.
    My advice, for what it’s worth is Take what you’ve been given and use every minute.
    As a young nurse we were taught, “The living are dying and the dying are living”. Your mum has been told there is a limit on her time, others may not realise there is also a limit on their time. As long as we live and breathe there is life.
    Take care. Again I’m so sorry.

    • Your message holds so much truth and wisdom in it, Tric, as usual. I will take your advice, and will find gratitude in my time left to spend together with her, be it on a fast or slow clock. Thank you for sharing your strength with me. <3

  6. Heartafire says:

    I’m so sorry, sending my most positive thoughts out to you and your Mom. xx

  7. 🙏❤️➰ prayers your way

  8. me says:

    <3 I’m sad for you …
    It’s probably not the time for advice … but, I gotta say this anyway:
    Don’t leave it … don’t leave it too long say what you want to say to her. To do what you need to do with her. You have nothing to loose. All the good and all the bad in the here and now, will end soon.
    Much love to you friend …

  9. You are such a wise, wise soul…you bleed the same shade red that I do. I understand your message on a very deep level. And thank you for sharing your wisdom with me. Much love to you, always. ❤

  10. I’m so sorry. Terrible. I’ll keep you in my thoughts <3