Today I had brand new sensation come over me – brand spanking new; never been tickled in the brain by such a notion before in my whole adult (or child) Life. It was a fleeting notion; something that my conscious mind won’t allow any room for in any other context besides that of “in one side, out the other”. And anyway, it was simply and purely a piece of a much bigger thought process belonging to me at the present time, so I’m not going to make a big deal out of it…
With all that is happening so swiftly within my existence:
Watching my mom die this way;
Being mentally toyed with by those of the douche-bag line;
Finding out a handful of ugly and painful truths relating to a recently re-surfaced (due to my mom’s diagnosis) family member;
A massive fuckton of sheer anxiety in raw form;
Sadness, deep and inconsolable sadness;
I just had the thought very briefly, earlier, while swimming in the torturously cold open Pacific Ocean in a pocket of time all by myself, way out beyond the breakers where it’s hard to find the threshold between sea and sky…
Maybe I should just swim out beyond the point of return, and exhaust myself until I sink…
Keep paddling. You can do this.
I so needed that at this exact nano-second, Tric, thank you do much.
A fleeting thought, but just that. Don’t give up.
Let’s old hands, swim out to the point of no return, then come back together.
Or “hold” hands maybe …
👋
This is going to be exhausting as all Hell, isn’t it?
Yup. But you are not allowed at any point to show your Mum your tired face. Ok? That’s for you, for when you hit the pillow at night. Weirdly that’s when I find it hardest, when I lower my ear-face and it’s just me, staring at myself in the mirror.
Yeah, same…I have lost a daughter…and nighttime is my dread enemy these days.
🙁
Yup. 😞
🙁
Don’t swim out. Hang on to the board and let it keep you afloat. All currents circle out and come back to shore. You’re going to be okay. Because you’re so goddamn strong <3
Such a sweetie