Deal Re-Breaker.

There’s this threshold inside of my brain that others either cross in a grain cut painfully against me, or never cross at all. It is a horrid barrier that I’m sure I have created myself; but it is a sound and solid barrier, all the same – an impenetrable construct by my own mind, immovable in my own mind. This is a threshold that grants closeness and kinship or falseness and nothingness between me and other people who come into my Life.


It’s hard to explain, but I’ve been trying my best when it gets brought up by (a) certain (male) people (person) whom I struggle to maintain “healthy relations” with:


  1. the way that my ability to even experience anything good or positive with an individual diminishes completely once I feel the slightest bit of vulnerability to him, because I am fucked up and my brain doesn’t work normally.
  2. the way that after I experience any vulnerability on a conscious level on his behalf, I seem to automatically try to sabotage everything.
  3. the way that if sabotage fails, I will resort to some innate mechanism of my emotions to execute the process of shutting down to him.
  4. the way that I spend the entire time this hideous process plays out in hating myself and constantly having to re-focus myself on what’s right, as opposed to what feels right.




5 thoughts on “Deal Re-Breaker.

  1. doubtpuppet says:

    God damn, this sounds familiar.

    One strike and you’re dead to me, that’s my motto apparently. And it sounds kinda fancy but also, things get kinda quiet kinda quickly. Somehow, it seems you have to eat shit occasionally to exist in the world of flawed people. But then where does eating shit occasionally cross over into being a big soft mug with a target painted on your back.
    I seem to be missing a gear or two here. I can do calm/trust/love/friendship or hate/fear/exclusion/aversion/rage.
    Again, that might sound fancy in a film or something, but it just doesn’t work in real life. In real life, it seems you have to be a dancer, constantly in flux, not letting the detritus stick. I’m like a fucking detritus fucking magnet fucking fuck fuck fuck though. That’s my problem.

    Nice writing.

    I hope your mum’s doing OK.

  2. me says:

    Ohhhh ouch … sounds familiar … this ones a bitch! And something I’m not good at, at all. Me and the partner have only just got to the place (nearly 14 years later groan) of agreeing to tell the other when ‘something’ is occurring. Sometimes he’ll see me shut down and I don’t realise I have (usually vulnerability related) … or sometimes he’s being ‘himself’ and that triggers (hate that word) me and he’s not realised it. We’re not even close to figuring the rest of it … for now, we’re practicing this bit.
    Those walls got built for a dam good reason and they’ll come down when they’re good and ready I reckon … if he’s around for that, it’ll be worth the wait. <3

    • Well, I’ll have you know that knowing you’re doing it, 14 years worth of doing it, and still finding 365 reasons a year to smile…after all you’ve come through intact (more or less, only an OG will know and appreciate my use of this term “intact”), I feel like there’s still some flicker of hope for me, possibly. 💗💗💗

      • me says:

        Ahh … thank you … intact is right!!
        And yes, I reckon theres more than hope for you … but the person that gets to see that is going to have to be pretty dam special, if not OG too. If they’re worth it, they’ll ride it out with you <3

  3. The ability to self sabotage, self loath and generally hate yourself for the slightest mistake
    This because you dared to be human and good… I got a compliment and had a panic attack!

    As much as you want a relationship with someone it’s also a cause of great pain and stress not to fuck it up, so begins the cycle of Depression
    Like Depression as much as saving you is as ever a bad guy, the same bad guy you always knew was a bar steward and therefore you can’t blame

    I had a women tear me to despair three times, and every time it was my own fault… “Love is a poison for which love is the only cure” and i really wish i could get to the cure part

    Ps: Think everything i just is bullshit by the way, sorry!