He Versus I.

Had I not already been neck-deep in the execution of self-sabotaging the thing between me and a particular (possibly) impossible person whom I have been trying to let “court” me, when he opted to get pissed off at me (for the very first time) and wrap yesterday up by dumping me, another Valentine’s Day might have become memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Luckily (and I say luckily with a heavy and exaggerated roll of my eyes), I was well into that familiar, contradictory and counter-productive pattern of “seek-build-destroy” when it all happened – so I wasn’t too heartbroken.

I expect such things anyway, Hell, I create them. I tried to tell this one from the start, too – how we seemed to represent like, Polar Opposites at the end of the day. We have very little in common besides work (yes, we work together) and physical attraction. He literally left me with my mouth hanging open when he asked me to go out with him because I had previously imagined him as a total yuppie that travels for fun (he’s very worldly) with season tickets to the Warriors or whatever. Like many men from “the clean side of the tracks”, he was intrigued by my roughened edges, I suppose.  When I told him that I thought we had nothing in common with each other, he said something like,

“Just let me surprise you on that score.”

A surprise that I am still waiting for…



is too normal (he reads the newspaper and drives an SUV)…too well-maintained by scheduled workouts and personal tailors…too condescending without meaning to be…too hopeful and focused on The Big Picture.


am so fucked up in the head that I can’t get close to anyone (the more I want to, the harder it gets to actually let happen)…too unbalanced and paranoid by a lack of human interaction…too defensive without meaning to be…too traumatized to exist outside of One Moment At A Time.

13 thoughts on “He Versus I.

  1. doubtpuppet says:

    What the hell is happening to us. We should start a spaz colony or something. Mutual support. The normal ones could leave food and blankets at the gate, and we could leave novelty craft items in a basket for them to take away and boast about to their normal friends. The condescending fuckers. Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself.
    Anyway this guy sounds like he thought American Psycho was a lifestyle guide. Not your type at all. You’ve got to meet a few(thousand) duds to get to a good one.
    As long as they don’t find the bodies, that’s the main thing.
    I know what you mean about “too unbalanced and paranoid by a lack of human interaction”.
    At this stage, I’m holding out for the sex robots.
    It’s my only remaining hope of a steady girlfriend who won’t ask too many difficult questions.
    The boffins are dragging their heels on that one if you ask this cat.

    • Ok dude…I’ll get the building permits, a few zips of good weed, and stop off at Home Depot for some workers; you bring the tools and a few sex robots.
      But for the record, I hear that those things do, indeed, ask questions…who knows the level of difficulty they can match?
      Either way, I think once I get rejected by a talking sex doll, I might be okay with accepting with my fate as a novelty craftswoman.
      You’re fucking awesome. Dont ever forget it.

  2. Screw that dude, he sounds like a beige boring one – not right for you at all. Maybe you were self-sabotaging because your gut was screaming at you to escape by any means necessary. The right human interaction is empowering and inspires growth – and it’s out there, you just have to sort through some major #$%# to find it sometimes. xoxo

  3. Rita says:

  4. me says:

    Hmmm , you know I’m gonna disagree right?? 😉
    What are we? Some kind of native exhibition or experiment? Pfft …
    I get the ‘self-sabotage’ thing, but I’m beginning to believe that word/theory was made up by some mysogynistic prick who got rejected by the ‘woman of his dreams’.
    This dudes not normal … hes just not your normal … and thats fine … let him go find barbie at some other exhibition. And for you … yah gotta try before you buy … and lesson learned … don’t shop that section again 😉