Yeah yeah yeah.

So when I used to have this horribly monsterous and abusive husband, one of the things most strongly engrained in my memory about that period of my life is how I was accused of things constantly; things that never even crossed my mind, much less actually represented reality.
I vividly recall waking up one night from a dead sleep in my bed to his hands around my throat being choked nearly to death because he truly believed that I had been flashing signals and signs out the window to a car that kept driving back-and-forth up-and-down our street in the middle of the night. The reality behind this was that I had no clue who that person in that car was; and, definitely had not been flashing signals and/or signs to them from my window; I had been out cold with a sinus infection.
My recollections of that period in my life are full of such instances; times when I had absolutely no control or involvement in the things that I was paying the most brutal consequences for. The helplessness that defined my life during those years was immense; so immense, that it’s still with me to some extent, even today.
My most recent attempt at a meaningful and worthwhile relationship has failed at last.

This has been partially due to certain lingering effects of my own residual trauma i.e. the inability I continue to harbor reagarding trust and commitment, its true.
But the main cause behind the most recent going down in flames I’ve actually come to recognize and acknowledge for what it has turned out to be:
My natural response to the helplessness put forth as a result of repeatedly being accused of things I haven’t done.
I have come too far to fall back down into such a miserable situation in which my own true identity has been marred by the paranoid and insecure notions of the other person in the relationship.

That is not a relationship. And that is not healthy. I’m striving for healthy and have realized that the thing I’ve come to comfortably call “my relationship” was (from the beginning) the opposite of what I’ve been seeking out.

Inward and upward, though.

It’s a new year.

4 thoughts on “Yeah yeah yeah.

  1. Not preaching here Jess’

    Been there, done that, worked hard for nothing in return.
    Had accusations, been searched and watched.
    On breaking free I fell into homelessness.
    From there into war, to being broken again, with nothing but demons as friends. So I gave up! No one would be mad enough to take me on!

    Then someone did. Friends first, both with nothing.
    Then, after a while, it felt right.
    BUT we had one ‘absolute’ rule from day one.
    Yesterday you can do nothing about so don’t ask,
    BUT tomorrows you build together.
    For us that worked.

    To remember the hurt is not wrong but some carry it as luggage, as poison, into a new life is not good.

    A partner who REALLY CARES may ask of your past but will wait to hear your story if you ask that of them. That is something rare and it’s called trust. A good sign is trust.

    There is good out there Jess’ and I can vouch for that.
    And once good gets to know you exist, they will find you.
    Then you start, building tomorrows.

  2. Paul’s said it all. All those years ago, two bigger cynics you could never wish to meet, and if people were nice, it was ‘What do they want?’ Our circumstances may have been different, but we were in pain and let down by those we thought cared about us.
    Fast forward 30 plus years, we are still best friends, trust each other implicitly, and he’s the only one I’ve let get this close. What happened before may have moulded us but it wasn’t until we met that we were able to begin to become the people we are now. We built our life from that day together, and that’s what counts.
    Happy New Year. Always here for you, both of us. <3 <3 <3