He’s currently mad at me for squeezing that gunk down his spine to keep him flea & tick free.
Been feeling rather
like I’ve been,
tossed out with the trash again,
been hearing laughter
inside my brain,
for getting played like a slot machine,
been taking refuge
in a jackal’s den,
naked, with a so-called gentleman,
been driven into
the wall again,
petal to the metal into the median,
been feeling nothing
but pure obscurity,
a vague and insecure uncertainty,
been here wondering
imprisoned by my own duplicity,
been tapping constantly
on the keys ‘til my fingers bleed,
to dispel the hurt I’ll feel inevitably,
been like, yeah – well, maybe,
I’ve been shafted again,
sour, that out-dated milk carton,
been eating candy,
vainly, to try and sweeten,
the taste of my faith going quickly rotten.
Hello and Much Love to my long-lost cyber siblings and family!
It’s been a while, hasn’t it?
I’m here to catch up and share some super fucked up shit with the Universe and anyone else who happens to read this update:
As you may or may not know, my mama passed away on March 20 – 5 days before my birthday. The long battle and everyone attached to one had pretty much done me in by that time and she died in a convalescent home about 30 minutes away from where I live, where she had been staying since the beginning of December 2017. It had been set up that way because that was closer to my Aunt, who had power of attorney over my mom at the time and also had the time everyday to attend to my mama’s dwindling wants and/or needs. So, needless to say, I was traveling that 30 minutes back and forth at least once a day, sometimes more. It wore not only on my spirit and body – but also on my former car, too.
It was at that time that Boo showed up at my work with her starving and sickly dogs, asking me to help her and take them. She knew that they would ultimately be safe and cared for if they went with me, as opposed to staying on the streets with a homeless an drug addicted prostitute. I found the girl blue nose pit bull a home immediately but was at a loss when it came to the very young, 108 pound, totally unruly male German Shepherd. After a few weeks of searching for a family to adopt him and trying then failing at placing him anywhere, I decided to keep him. We had bonded by then and he was very traumatized by his past, very anxious about being left behind. I fell in love with him in time and he has become the only family I have left from day to day.
The Passat finally broke the fuck down totally during that stretch, though it’s so blurry in recollection to me that I can’t say exactly when or where or how it happened. My mama had signed her car over to me to sell after she was gone, so I drove that for the remainder of the time I had the chance to see my mom alive (a blessing that I would’ve surely gone into total despondency without).
Also during that blur of time, my former Dad re-surfaced and came to be with her until she died, though not in time to allow her any peace of mind through the awareness of that fact; she likely never even knew he was there, as at the end she was in so much pain that she was on a 24hr heavy morphine drip. The end was beyond miserable for her (and anyone who knew and loved her); and I can say that when she finally passed away, relief was an understatement, in my case, at least. My brother has had a Helluva time processing our Mom’s death, surprisingly. My Aunt has gone heart-cold again, like she was all those years of my life before my mom got sick and diagnosed with terminal cancer. She texts me randomly saying stupid shit like “hope you are okay…”, and I never respond.
I walked out on my cemetery job in early June and just kinda fluttered in space for a week or so before the next crisis entered my life (or lack, thereof).
My (former) “good” roommate Dice dropped the most heartbreaking bomb on me during this crucially pivotal emotional point in my world:
“I got married, and, she’s moving in next week”.
My world went off kilter at that point, and I can’t really account for much from then until about a month ago, when I moved to the new nightmare in which I now reside. Finding a place to live with a huge GSD was not easy, and I ended up having to settle for an over-priced, under-kept master suite with a private entrance up in the Lexington Hills – a hideous commute to my job and a hard wear on the pocketbook as well. At present, I am struggling to keep Oso (my dog) in line and not backslide on the training he has so far. I won’t be here very long, but in the meantime, it’s “home“.
Unhappy as I am, I still feel grateful for many elements of the moments I endure.