Note to Self #7 – Things NOT to do

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NEVER:

Go willingly into the courtroom – it might make for a bad impression on the presiding judge, but it sure makes you newsworthy.

Misspell the word ‘misspell’.

Confuse the words ‘straight’ and ‘forward’ while getting directions from a passenger when driving your obnoxious 4×4; there is a big difference between the two.

Cut away from “the Chase”.

Swing in super-fast circular motion while holding a giant hammer with both hands out in front of you to balance your quickly gaining momentum – in a small garage – with your brother kneeling in a mechanic’s crouch nearby.

Date a guy from a machine shop.

Repeatedly, and in quite bad humor, joke with your ancient maternal great grandmother (who is full-blooded Shawnee and literally once lived in a shanty made out of tree trunks and animal skins) about cutting her hair (which would touch the floor if she were able to stand anymore).

Flip out one day after allowing years of disgust at your co-worker’s eating habits to build up inside you and yell, “Is there something wrong with your swallowing mechanism?! You must have gotten that from your mother, she should’ve worked harder at swallowing your load!” – as funny as your boss may think it is, he will still be forced to fire you on the spot.

* And remember ALWAYS

when life gives you lemons, dip those mother fuckers in concrete and pot shot them at cars passing you by in the carpool lane during rush hour gridlock.

Note to Self # 271

cut throatNote 271: Conspirator

Dear Self,

Not everyone (or anyone for that matter) is on board with your paranoid conspiracy theories about the US government; actually, you’ve likely made more enemies than friends that way.

…maybe time to try biting back the urges to point out “chemtrails” in the sky or undiagnosed tick bites that you see here and there…

People want CORRECTION people NEED to believe that their government is the good guy at work day and night to ensure the safety of everyone’s family, especially babies…people can be so miserably pathetic and sheep-esque that way in my opinion. Because the truth behind the United States government and its founding motivations runs deep in my own blood, as a Shawnee native (well, 50% at least). There’s no way anyone can tell me truthfully that our nation’s executives have not been crooked, shady and bloodthirsty from the beginning; anyone who believes in the good of such a display is blind and deserves to believe such utter bullshit.

There’s no use in trying to convince this type of person that they are a sheep.