Lately, I have contracted my way into a freelance bid that was accepted by a snooty committee; and now I have a job once again – for now, at least.
* Something so-called “productive”, to keep my troubled brain occupied and my body out of jail, or worse.
Lately, everything I feel and experience is filtered out by a dulling effect that is new to me – my senses seem to have literally left me completely – and I function on a totally strange and detached level than any I’ve lived through in the past.
* I am anything but “present” these days, let me tell you.
Lately, I was reminded of how very dangerous it is to open myself up to another person with the hopes of reciprocal GOOD at heart; I have been shown this lesson several times before and will likely see it again before I actually LEARN its value in the context of myself; but it’s a lesson that hurts like Hell each time, either way.
* One of these days, I will pack up my shit and move out to the sticks flying solo – then maybe I’ll finally get it.
Lately, I have noticed that my friends are avoiding me again:
- the intense, fixed stare at the television whenever I walk into the room,
- the ear-buds permanently in each ear 24-7
- the unfailing, but “sudden” need to go to the bathroom whenever I show up to smoke a cigarette in the smoking pit
I can see the writing on the wall, and I don’t blame any of them I guess…I wouldn’t want to be in my company either.
* Just because I’m officially an emotionally resigned, spiritually bitter aging bitch doesn’t mean that all of my friends are riding that same wave; some of them actually have reason to celebrate things.
The last year has been the foggiest out of my entire life somehow, despite the many years I have under my belt from my youth spent under the influence of narcotics or the morphine drip I survived on later on during my “hospital era”; I can honestly say that I have been simply “going through the motions” of everyday with only the goal of the following night in mind.
* When I’m sleeping, I don’t have to cope with reality so much.
And that is just how I gotta survive right now; whether I like it or don’t.