Friends that refuse to respect of me,
the smallest of ways that I ask to be,
excused from their own stupidity,
yet – they choose to abuse,
and they find these things funny…
A family turned to the judge and jury,
no hand extended in my times of need,
the after-burn of that first, initial sting,
the day I noticed they were on an opposing team…
Others play the friendly role all too regularly,
to the point it’s obvious there’s no true identity,
behind any of the faces in the places close to me,
just life-sized puppets that walk, talk and breathe…
I have this plaster hand… Likened to yours; Hanging above the kitchen door… The one we made so long ago… On Christmas Eve Day, just bored… I have a poem written… By your tiny hand; As tiny as the one that hangs… Above the kitchen door frame… It says “Mommy I Love You”… And the Gods help me… If when I pass it by, I don’t hear the words… In a sigh, a whispering… I keep a tiny, silver jewelry box… The one you saved up for; Inscribed across the dusty top … Is chiseled in, beautifully: “I Love You Mommy”… And Mommy dies a little more… I have all these haunting memories… Of having future plans; Fulfilling hopes and dreams… Just you and I surviving… Getting back up to stand… I saved these Christmas things… Yours and mine; Stored away like a box to mourn… Every year, when it’s opened again… And looks the same… As the years before… I held on to your special ornaments… All of them; Though I never hang them high… I never get a tree anymore… I see no reason why… But I keep these things… To remind myself… Of the twinkle lost to my eye… I held on to so many things… Of yours; Desperately trying… To keep you somehow, near… Closer at least… Than wherever you are… I have this little butterfly wing… You brought home; You flew it behind you like a kite… A colorful ghost that chased you… Right out of second grade… I find these notes you wrote… To me; To Mommy; They read your apologies… For spilling toothpaste on the rug… And I want to come find you wherever you are… And tell you that rug never mattered to me.
Throughout so much of the apparent bullshit that goes on with each new sunrise of my cursed life, I’d like to share the fact that there are NOTHING but vastly reaching tentacles of even more bullshit that belong to the variants attached to that same fucking existence.
For even when things are on the “upswing” for me (which never consists of anything more than a few not-so-bad things happening), my heart is ever struggling to simply remain above the ring of that proverbial drain; I am not throwing a pity party – anyone who really knows me at all will have no choice but to agree with my longtime proclamation of purely bad karma…it IS NOT “perception” or a matter of any “law of attraction”; it is TRUTH.
1) When my health gets to a point in which I have any room to move freely, my car breaks down with some fucking random, yet very expensive issue, and I get stuck until I become ill again;
2) When I become ill – nothing else matters besides getting better and it is always a fight that exhausts me to the point of near-submission;
3) By the time I “feel better”, I am so tired of fighting to feel better that I am at my own wit’s end with everything;
4) When I finally get my car repaired (a solution that attaches itself directly to MONEY), I run out of money and am again stuck until I get more income;
5) When I am sickly, it becomes all-too-often impossible to work for income;
6) When I get some income, it is already spent because I have been stagnant at home and have had to borrow from someone;
7) When I finally get back to feeling like I can possibly conquer even the simplest of steps in this horribly vicious cycle – my car breaks down again.
Granted, I am lucky to have people who help me, and my step dad loaned me his “spare” car; my own car is very close to being “repaired” once more (with the exception of brakes, which I was set out to pick up this morning in order for my nephew to change them today) – and of course there is no way in Hell that the Gods would allow things to go so smoothly for me, in my own fucking hell-hole life…my step dad’s spare won’t start this morning.
“Don’t freak out, I’ll pick you up and take you to the auto store to get your brakes…”
And nobody gets it…I don’t want a fucking ride to the fucking auto store to get the fucking brakes that I don’t even have the finances to buy right now!!! I don’t want anything from anyone who finds it funny when I can’t start the loaner car I’m forced to borrow because my own bread and butter has failed me once again!!! I am sick and fucking tired of the heavy weight I am dragging around by my ankle over the dread and anxiety of vehicular failure – and I cannot deal with AGAIN it today (with the car that I’m using while I have no car)!!!
I just want a single, fucking break!!! It never comes….NEVER.
The cycle of my existence is what is going to kill me eventually, not anything or anyone else. It will be the long-lived and suffered anxiousness and worry and dread that will finally stop my blackened heart. And to be honest, I can’t wait.