Note # 29

Dear Self,

NEVER: (Continued)

  • Opt to be executor of a family member’s estate; it’s futile.
  • Underestimate the power of being misunderstood.
  • Forget how far from “your side” Lady Luck lives.
  • Entertain the idea of “justice” when there’s a lawyer, a courthouse, or a judge involved.
  • Suddenly decide that you’re ambidextrous and start using your “bad hand” to do everything.
  • Try to make your kid sister feel better about her lazy eye and the resulting eye patch by successfully enlisting the entire tribe to wear one also.
  • Tell the female Indian clerk at the front desk of your hotel that you’re half Indian too, but “with feather, not dot”; the rest of your stay will suck.
  •  Try to improvise while baking by replacing vegetable oil with some foreign, imported bottle that kinda resembled vegetable oil in a pinch.
  • Carry your keys in your pocket when you take your dogs to the vast, plush grassy field to play in the dark.
  • Reach in your passenger side window and pull the door open by the inside handle when you can’t locate your keys.
  • Run around with a loaded .44 in a panicked frenzy screaming, “Fire! Fire!” after somehow managing to ignite the paper target with your shot from 20 yards away.
  • Send your ex boyfriend a trashy selfie meant for your ex girlfriend.
  • Try and trick your kid into thinking that Santa is real by going up onto the roof around 1am on December 25 and jingling bells as loud as you possibly can, especially during a freeze.