Adrift (For the Bear Trainer).

This is a piece written for my VERY BEST FRIEND ON THE PLANET (and beyond), The Bear Trainer.

…S, you are the entire village that it takes to raise the child – and I honor and cherish you more than you know. ❤


It’s the incessant babbling,
Of a perpetually invisible stream,
This I do most certainly know,
There is no halting or stopping its flow;
Even when I can’t touch its noise,
It isn’t like I have any choice,
I feel its presence trickling,
I feel its coolness prickling;
A sense of a long, lost something,
A dense and heavy whispering,
I can count the nights and days easily,
To try to measure what I’m so missing;
I can carve notches like lines into trees,
But there’s no accounting your importance to me,
Have you any idea of the weight you carry?
an influence that trumps all, subconsciously?
Near or far – here you are…
to awaken these things that sleep,
I need your heart attached to mine,
if I’m to somehow believe;
the Heavens are darkened by the distance between,
the truth is the anchor that’s unwavering,
the tides wash off the filth of humanity,
when all’s said and done, I have only this one thing;
the notion that resides in the depths of my being,
the unspoken truths attached to our destinies,
when the Universe again – fails to reassure me,
yours is the comfort that mine will find eventually.

Safety Meeting.


YOU know who YOU are:
I am speaking to YOU – Little Soldier…

YOU have no choice now, besides to trudge through; you have made it to the clearing, now all we have to do is get you across without incident and you, my friend, will finally be FREE.
You might have to suck up a few difficult things to swallow, though…none of the things that you possess matter, when it comes down to your LIFE. None of your huge and vast collections of things from the thirteen long years in between now and the last time that you were FREE make a fucking difference anymore, I hate to say…I struggled so hard and stupidly, blindly – – – with this factor when all was said and done and I look back in honesty at myself and why I never had what it took to get FREE. I was accidentally, on total fluke of nature, FREED, as a result of the tragic ending that YOU can foresee all too easily for yourself. I know that YOU can.
You “admire me”…my “strength and courage” and “bravery”…
Then HEAR ME when I say to you that you have the chance right now to be someone even more admirable than I could ever be: YOU can FREE yourself without being almost killed (any more than you already have been, at least). YOU can be the one who WALKS HERSELF OUT, UNINJURED to safety, to a FREE place where others can admire and look up to you for inspiration. It will be tenfold of anything that you think I stand for in the world of FREEDOM that you’ll shine brighter and longer, with a beam that reaches further.
THIS is MY plea to YOU, soldier…
Not a single one of those things is a fair trade for your survival, you are loved and supported and understood and appreciated out in the FREE WORLD already…that’s ALL YOU NEED to get up on your feet on the other side. I hope this message reaches you in your most open and willing state of mind…I hope you will let go of everything and anything that you need to let go of in order to come out and be FREE soon.

To The Girl In Need Of This At This VERY Moment:

Don’t worry, Girlie…

One of these days, you’re gonna find you a man who will ruin your lipstick instead of your mascara. 😉

So…..Look Alive!

mascara stains

A Rare Balancing Act



Today’s a day that the truth doesn’t hurt as much as it usually does – the sun has been high and hot today – blue skies – green trees. It’s been a day that I have felt victorious over my issues with my BAD roommate, a day that’s felt like it will be simple to move on past the plethora of things that define my disgust with my life and the people in (and NOT in) it. I don’t know if this is a form of denial or a coping mechanism I use in order to NOT spontaneously explode – or if it’s what my shrink calls “bi-polar disorder attached to the good ol’ PTSD”; all I can say is that when I wake up in the morning – every morning, any morning – I don’t ever know if today’s gonna be the day that I finally lose my mind and do something absolutely fucking astounding in its sheer stupidity, or – if it might be the day that I wash out enough nuggets of gold to buy my way into a residential library somewhere. My health has been compromised again lately, I’ve been emotionally and physically exhausted and spent, I hit a pretty low point last week as a result of the bullshit going on with the BAD roommate.







Sucks to be him – he’s made his bed…night night, now Simple One….


YESTERDAY THOUGH, something happened that doesn’t happen to me – in my life, in my experience with other humans…and I am wanting to get on my podium about the GOOD as well as the many negative posts I’ve been making.


The “bad” has been (for one of the only times ever) countered with the “good” in my “big picture” of life, it seems. My GOOD roommate has once more shown his true colors to me this past week: extending his truly innate kindness to me for no reason outside of being himself, doing what he does – being a very exceptional human being (when circumstances like to his own experience in life don’t typically produce kind-heated and giving grown men as a result). His humanity never ceases to amaze me somehow, and I count him as one of my biggest blessings in adult life, truly. He’s been a friend for a long time, much longer than the time we’ve been roommates – and he has ALWAYS shown me the utmost faith and support since long before he ever had any true purpose to do so. I so appreciate him as a support beam of my structure, and yet he is unaware of how deeply he has affected me with his nature and his shockingly refreshing broken mold.


Anyway, it’s these VERY FEW AND FAR BETWEEN instances in which another human being displays unselfishness without being prompted to do so by any other outside force, that keep me believing that my own kind nature and built-in empathy will one day be my salvation somehow – as opposed to what it’s been so far: a crippling handicap. There’s hope that it might pay off for me one day – to remain steadfast in my role as genuine and decent human being.