Drowning Pool – Turn So Cold.

“It’s too much, not enough…

what you need, I don’t get…

and all I get is you turning away.

Lump.

Last weekend, my Mother called me up and said she needed to come over so I could look at her neck (as if I am some kind of professional on mysterious growths, or something). She arrived earlier than she said she would, as she tends to do these days, a look of sheer terror on her face. Upon looking at her neck, I was immediately concerned, as she has grown a notably large lump on the lower right side of her neck, near the collarbone. We obviously didn’t talk much about it, and she proceeded to make an appointment for a biopsy; that appointment is today. I will be driving her to this appointment today because she asked me to; and in all honesty, I feel like I wouldn’t miss it for anything in the world.

 

Anyone who reads me, knows about my deeply embedded Mommy Issues that reside within my heart and mind, stemming from childhood and very much alive and well to date. A few months ago, I decided that because the Holidays are so incredibly horrendous and ugly for me, and because they are so extremely difficult to get myself through alive each year, that I will do something different this year. I basically feel tired of spending my holidays alone, in the fetal position underneath the dining table, in tears, beating myself to an emotional pulp through with guilt and regret and failure. I have written also about the Hell that my offspring is currently putting my parents through, resultant of their own enabling behaviors towards her throughout her life. My mom claims to feel like a hostage in her own home etc. Needless to say, I can totally relate to what she says in regard to my daughter; I have so been there with her in the past as well.

So, in a moment of frozen brain capacity, I said to Willow:

“Let’s start a new tradition this year for Christmas, just you ‘n me…”,

completely expecting her to laugh in my face at such a proposal.

 

When she actually showed interest in my idea, and I explained to her what I had in mind for my own part (a quiet, peaceful, nostalgic, quaint Bed ‘n Breakfast in the heart of Gold Country for Christmas Eve and Christmas), she was so excited and intrigued that she actually asked me to take her online for a virtual tour (she hates the internet and anything even remotely associated with it), which I did. We have, since that time, hammered out every minute detail of our upcoming holiday excursion together; and I must say that it feels like it has been a healthy form of bonding, somehow. I even got her a snow suit and boots that she already wears at night when she goes outside in the cold to smoke and play Mahjong until 0-dark-thirty, it’s cute. And in all truth, this year’s holiday feels much less painful already, as a result of the above described circumstance.

 

I am cursing the Gods for even putting that lump on Willow’s neck, whatever it may turn out to be; and I am secretly terrified by the possibility of losing my mother now, at this stage of things in my own Life (or lack, thereof). When I was still very actively suicidal (the state of my being upon starting my blog in the first place), Willow used to guilt-trip me into Life often. She would say things like,

 

“If you love your Mama at all, you won’t leave me in the wake of another lost child…”

or

 “What would happen to me if you killed yourself?”

 

Naturally, being the empath that I am, these statements always struck that chord in me that connects somehow directly to my dead little brother (who committed suicide very young); and the reality of such things would always anchor me once more to Life. I know she wasn’t even necessarily trying to save me from death, but she did. When I think about the prospect of her being gone after all those times of refraining from suicide simply to avoid destroying Willow the rest of the way, as her daughter and then I think about being left behind in the end, after all, well….my abandonment issues flare up and I become semi-manic.

 

Plaster Hand.

I have this plaster hand…
Likened to yours;
Hanging above the kitchen door…
The one we made so long ago…
On Christmas Eve Day, just bored…
I have a poem written…
By your tiny hand;
As tiny as the one that hangs…
Above the kitchen door frame…
It says “Mommy I Love You”…
And the Gods help me…
If when I pass it by, I don’t hear the words…
In a sigh, a whispering…
I keep a tiny, silver jewelry box…
The one you saved up for;
Inscribed across the dusty top …
Is chiseled in, beautifully:
“I Love You Mommy”…
And Mommy dies a little more…
I have all these haunting memories…
Of having future plans;
Fulfilling hopes and dreams…
Just you and I surviving…
Getting back up to stand…
I saved these Christmas things…
Yours and mine;
Stored away like a box to mourn…
Every year, when it’s opened again…
And looks the same…
As the years before…
I held on to your special ornaments…
All of them;
Though I never hang them high…
I never get a tree anymore…
I see no reason why…
But I keep these things…
To remind myself…
Of the twinkle lost to my eye…
I held on to so many things…
Of yours;
Desperately trying…
To keep you somehow, near…
Closer at least…
Than wherever you are…
I have this little butterfly wing…
You brought home;
You flew it behind you like a kite…
A colorful ghost that chased you…
Right out of second grade…
I find these notes you wrote…
To me; To Mommy;
They read your apologies…
For spilling toothpaste on the rug…
And I want to come find you wherever you are…
And tell you that rug never mattered to me.

Turned Around in the Grave.

Out of a most malicious spite
I send a vibe worldwide tonight

to all of you misguided souls
professing “love” through your bankrolls

on this “holiday” I usually tend to lean
to a position that renders me unfeeling

Because I can’t bring myself to celebrate
the barbaric silencing of a murdered Saint

I wonder if everyone feels caught in a display
like a mindless mannequin posed to sit that way

I wonder if a second thought goes out across the night
of torture, death and blood-lust behind the candlelight

as you snuggle up and whisper empty bullshit born of wine
there’s turning in the grave belonging to St. Valentine

I’d go as far to say that if he’d had the slightest clue
of the mockery his brutal execution would turn into

It is likely the good Saint might think another way, indeed
and laugh in the very faces of those he traded for the guillotine.

Valentine’s Day, Again.

VD-35

So…I know that I historically lose a few followers every year for my opinions surrounding this stupid-ass “holiday“; and no, nothing’s changed.

I still think it is a pathetic show of disregard for HISTORICAL TRUTH/ACCURACY put forth especially well by my very own country men and women. It continues to be a bad representation on a humanitarian level, the very concept of it is still lacking in scruples, and the fact that so many people take it so seriously is truly disturbing to me.

In any case, because everyone insists on celebrating this warped and poorly evolved “holiday“, even now – after all this time, I say let’s celebrate it the right fucking way, at least.

Saint V was executed by the Pope for refusing to fall in line with notions that he disagreed with on a fundamental level of his own spirituality and individual relationship with God. This man went to a horrible death for what he believed to be that God’s will, in contrast to the over-imposing standard of the Vatican of his era. Modern day human beings are inarguably a shallow lot then, aren’t we? We are certainly shallow and self-absorbed enough to enable and foster the perpetuation of such an all-around bullshit “holiday” on our calendars; shallow enough to desire such a day for ourselves every year; shallow enough to be spending money on sweets and jewelry, eating over-priced candle-lit dinners, and essentially shitting all over the barbaric TRUTH behind the origins of why this date is considered to be historically notable. Such a hideously shameful display it all is; and so disrespectful to the dead guy who gave this “holiday” it’s name…but, that’s just my opinion.

Ties.

The broken, even those like me who have a very limited family to choose from, come back to our blood when we can. I have shared every year how hard the holidays are on me – and how I feel as if I have only barely recovered from one holiday’s wounds before it’s already Christmastime again. Admittedly, this year isn’t as bad as the stack of years leading up to it, somehow – likely because of the changes that have taken, and continue to take effect on my own psyche, I know…but, the overall emptiness and hollowed out feeling remains, in spite of the beginning of my own process of letting go of any former (and completely futile) expectations, hopes and/or goals in regard to my child, my own identity, and the future in general.

I’ve also written about my family a lot: my clan of older brothers, still living – my single younger brother, long dead. I have written about the two separate sets of kids that my father reared: THE ORIGINALS (the older set of four boys) and THE NON-ORIGINALS (the younger set of two boys and myself); my family structure growing up was odd, at best…but very close knit, in spite of such a wide-ranging collection. During childhood, I was closest to the baby, JJ, who committed suicide very young; and also with my very oldest brother, German, who is old enough to be my (young) father. The rest of my brothers and I have always missed that certain “connection”, for lack of a better term.

Nate, who is right above me in age (19 months older) and the first born of the NON-ORIGINALS, is very different from me in every way possible, as was he from JJ. Our childhoods kept us close but as soon as we began to grow up and foster our own personalities, Nate decided that he no longer cared too much for us. His high IQ and exquisite intelligence always alienated us; his introverted and anti-social persona didn’t help. After our father died, and our family was split up and separated permanently, the only one that I remained in daily contact with was JJ because we were kept together for a time. I found out after his death that Nathan had specifically asked to placed somewhere separately from us, and this morsel of information literally felt as if it had broken my spirit somehow for years, afterward.

Through my discovery of such a painful truth, Nate had made himself dead to me as well; I didn’t even count him as part of my family for almost a decade. It was ice between us. When I was recovering from the attempt on my life by the Ripper and all that drama, he never even checked on me once – never asked about me – basically it seemed that I was dead to him, in turn. When I came home, however, and he saw that I meant business in my own recovery and rehabilitation (my life prior to that was spent as a hostage to a psychopathic husband), he flipped a switch and became my staunchest ally, nearly overnight. He has gotten married and become a father since then; he seems to love me more as a result of those things, somehow.

His first-born, three-year-old “Cay-Cay”, is truly saving my life these days; giving me a spiritual renewal that I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) have thought possible at such an emotionally defeated time for me, reminding me that I am still worth something to at least one young, formidable soul out there. Her fierce and unwavering love for me has been like a lifeboat in the darkest swells of a lifetime. And, beneath it all, I have this sense of my brother’s love, too. He has been almost forceful with maintaining such an exceptional bond between she and I since the moment she was born, even before my life fell the rest of the way to shambles, it’s like he sensed the need somehow. He foresaw things that I was blind to seeing and successfully created a kind of safety net of emotional/spiritual fulfillment for me, just in case.

Of course, as with most things in life, these are things that are only just now becoming apparent to me – but I do recognize them. And there are not words to express the ton-of-bricks I am buried beneath when it comes to feeling grateful to him for it.

Ten Far-Reaching Notions of Gratitude on “Thanksgiving”.

meh

  1. Today, I am grateful that I am not a Republican.
  2. I am equally as thankful for not being a Democrat.
  3. Today, I feel gratitude towards my home and hearth; however, I will add that EVERYDAY holds sentiment for me – the roof over my head is something I do not allow myself to take for granted in any context.
  4. Today, I am glad to be a pothead, and feel thankful for the plentiful reaping of many crops this year, despite the seemingly perpetual amounts of labor attached to them.
  5. Today, I am thankful to have the double-edged ability to “dissociate” and/or “detach” from emotional torment or torture, as the holidays unfailingly suck worse than any time of any year for me, this year being no exception.
  6. Tomorrow, I will go to the Sempers and chop a beautiful tree that will enrich my home and hearth with its beautiful presence for the next 35 or so days, and I love trees so I am grateful for that.
  7. Although at this particular moment in time, I feel thoroughly perplexed by BOTH of roommates, at the end of the day I am grateful for each in his own, totally unique and irreplaceable way…an element in life that is not lost in me, as I have lived with some truly horrible people in the past, so I can appreciate and be thankful for that, too.
  8. My mother was not shot by some psychopath with a gun as a clueless, neighboring bystander to a recent tragedy.
  9. My father is recovering from his near-fatal beating considerably well, despite the continued vision problems.
  10. I have my freedom to be loser fuck-up with no motivation, direction, or driving force because I am a fucking “Muuurcan” (American).

Happy No-Donner-For-Dinner Day, Y’all.