Disenchanted.

Disenchanted by the headlong rush,

that got the attention of both of us,

beginnings are things that eventually must,

become the contrasted endings that suck,

no apologies to be accepted or said,

no singularities that turned it all bad,

it isn’t just me and my tragic instability,

it’s also due to you and your insecurity,

the instant I recognized the feeling I had,

a tapping began in the back of my head,

a sensation I couldn’t quite put into words,

a commanding thing in demand to be heard,

this feeling grew increasingly familiar to me,

like something hazed over by the glaze of a dream,

that makes itself seen at the edges of sleep,

just before I awaken to the sound of my own screams,

singlehanded have I wrought havoc in reply,

understand it, that I brought my own demise,

its turbulence and ordinance have me seeing things,

possessiveness and unwillingness to say what you mean.

 

“Wait…what?” (In My Stupid Valley-Girl Voice)

“Happy Holidays!”

The kid’s only like 17, just doing his job as cashier.

“Yeah, yeah fuck off.”

I can’t help myself…and I thought I used to hate the holidays…

 

Aye, it’s official; I would forget my head pretty wherever I go right now, if the fuckin thing wasn’t attached to my body…I stashed my phone in the refrigerator door yesterday, and proceeded to search myself into a frenzy for an hour before being forced to leave without it…luckily, one of the guys took it out and put it on my bed with a note that read,

 

“You might wanna check your purse and make sure you don’t have a quart of milk somewhere loose in there.”

 

I walked out of the store earlier without the ginormous 20 pack of toilet paper I had already purchased, somehow…yes, I am a scattered wreck…at least I remembered the toilet paper before I started the car and drove home. I forget huge parts of my life, in all honesty…it’s an element of detaching that I am already quite familiar with…but, it’s extra severe right now.

 

I don’t forget to be genuine though,

I never seem to forget my deeply feeling nature,

I don’t PICK and CHOOSE which elements of my world I’d like to swipe aside or delete,

I don’t get a say in which elements will become painfully renewed and re-surfaced

 

One thing I don’t really understand about what seems to be the better majority of people, is how capable they are of simply PICKING and CHOOSING human elements to add or delete from their lives as they see personally necessary…it’s sad. It’s sad because it seems to me that more and more people have become “the emotional light switch”: completely capable and comfortable with an interchangeable warm body beside them. Whatever, light switch people SUCK…it’s crazy how soon we forget things we say to others, things we swear by – define ourselves with – take oath to…for it to mean nothing more than a few deleted web pages and a disturbingly seamless shift in one’s focus.

People are fucking lame.

That’s another thing I can’t seem to forget.

Diabolique.

It’s come to my attention lately,
that the wonder of technology,
can be poisoned just as easily,
by a stranger’s instability;

We all make choices in life, don’t we?
that will be ours, alone, to carry,
I can’t relate or comprehend – I’m sorry,
to the mechanism of defensive psychiatry;

I’m sorry the road behind you has been so bumpy,
but, you’ve bumped that pin-head if you believe,
that I will lay down and let you trample me,
there is drake’s fire inside of this woman’s belly;

Please spare me the insidious and diabolique,
the lies used as fuel to heighten the heat,
games that you aren’t even actually playing with me,
I’ve left the table for more important things;

There is no kind of valor or respectability,
in re-weaving your own perceptions of reality,
and pawning such garbage off on others conveniently,
who are trying to function more normally;

I’m sending a message to you now, publicly:
you know who you are, and, if you’re reading,
either stand the fuck up and come talk to me,
or shut the fuck up and check your psychopathy.

Diabolique.

It’s come to my attention lately,
that the wonder of technology,
can be poisoned by the presence,
of a stranger’s mental instability;

We all make choices in life, don’t we?
with effects that will be ours, alone, to carry,
I can’t relate or comprehend – I’m sorry,
the default mechanism of defensive psychiatry;

I’m sorry the road behind you has been so bumpy,
but, you’ve bumped your pin-sized head if you believe,
that I will lay down in the dirt and let you trample me,
there is a fire inside of this woman’s breath and belly;

Please spare me the insidious and diabolique,
the lies used as embers to raise the level of heat,
the games that you aren’t even actually playing with me,
I’ve left the table – now it’s just two – not three;

There is no kind of valor or respectability,
in re-weaving your own perceptions of reality,
and pawning such garbage off on those that you see,
those who are able to function much more normally;

I’m sending a message to you now, publicly:
you both know who you are, if you’re reading,
either stand the fuck up and come talk to me,
or shut the fuck up and re-direct your psychopathy.

Circus Games

just passing through

“What forces are at play here that delivered such power, light and love to this old Centurion on the edge of darkness?”…

The words rolled around in the most embittered recesses of her well-numbed mind forcing a tickle to arise in her lethargic spirit. A broken, but shining smile appeared on her down-turned face as the phrase repeated itself like a broken record again and again in the background, but the instant she felt herself smiling like that, the shine disappeared again from her swollen face.

The forces had most certainly been that – at play. No more, no less, she recalled sadly – just a cruel game in Life’s circus.

A sharp, long sigh spewed from her dry, cracking lips like a whistle while she begrudgingly revered in the memory of the void of meaningfulness, promised lies and so much self-absorption; she was spent. As the humming sound of machinery tugged heavily at the sleepiest places in her tired spirit like an anchor on its way to the floor of the Mariani, her brain wove a tapestry of those things that disturbed her most – constructed in vivid color true enough to bring tears to her eyes –  embedded with tastes, smells and sounds of foggy scenarios that remained opaqued by a blurry, superficial residue.

“Just because you got the monkey off your back, doesn’t mean the Circus has left town.”

-George Carlin

Judgment Day

He LIED to me, blatantly and cruelly, despite my genuine support of HIS BULLSHIT for so long – day in and day out –

HE HAD BEEN LYING TO ME SINCE I TRIED TO “DO THE RIGHT THING” AND KNOCK THE WHOLE THING OFF, MONTHS BEFORE HE MOVED OUT!!!

And while that type of thing is obviously okay with you and your people, it IS NOT OKAY with me. I didn’t deserve it; I didn’t ask for it (literally, the opposite); and I will damned if I am going to be further insulted about the fucked up bullshit that I just endured at the hands of your “friend” by you – when you truly have no clue what you’re even talking about. It sucks that you had to go there and say the absolute worst thing you could possibly say to me in regard to that pondscum “friend” of yours – and my so-called “unnecessary drama”. Where the hell do you get off?

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For the record (and so that next time you go talking about it, you KNOW what the fuck REALLY went on):

I tried (beginning several months ago) to break it off. This was due to the fact that I DID, INDEED, SEE THIS BULLSHIT COMING. I tried telling him so many times that I didn’t want shit to end up this way, and all he ever said back to me was stuff like, “Don’t worry…”, or “It’s fine…”, or my personal favorite, “I still want to continue this when I move out…” I tried to tell him that I had no interest in becoming his “booty call”, he swore that wasn’t the case…

Next, when I tried to explain that I had feelings involved for him, and was feeling very used and discarded (based solely on his actions and lack, thereof), in hope that he would understand that this wasn’t stupid game to me – it’s my life – what little there is left of one anyway…he only became more unwilling to behave like a human being. He continued to lie to me throughout his actual move – to appease me in order to continue having his God damned cake and eating it, too. The last batch he dropped off to me prior to the last one, I stood my ground solidly and flat out told him I was losing interest in him and his head games, that I didn’t feel like he was worthy of my attention or affection, that I didn’t want to see him anymore outside of his visits to see you or whatever. He seemed to take in stride, which pissed me off but I let it go.

The very next day, I sent him a text asking to see him before the weekend to swap out batches, as I had finished what he left with me, and he showed up here an hour later – all sweet and sugar-coated, all full of his bullshit lies and head games, and I caved. The next day, I was so angry at myself, and at him, for being such a sucker. I told him so. He proceeded to dog me out once more (the time he flaked me off all day and then showed up shitfaced drunk on a Sunday night), and when he got here, I again, tried to send him packing.

I said: “I don’t want you here if you don’t want to be here.”

He said: “I do, I do want to be here, and you are the only one…I swear.”

And then I let him in my bed again, because I wanted to believe the leis he was telling me, that he’s always been telling me ALL ALONG.

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Please understand that this entire thing has been a head game on my end; and it’s been quite an unjust head game, to boot. I will never understand how certain people are able to sleep at night, but it’s not my place to understand sociopathy, I guess.

All that I know is:

When you or anyone else in your highly misinformed group of “friends” feel obliged to judge me (as I KNOW you ALL do, without doubt), especially in the context of either of the maggot “friends” of yours that I have stupidly tangled with – it would always be more respectable and much less cruel, to actually have the facts and information before doing so. Otherwise, you chalk yourself up with the rest of your “friends” by behaving like a judgmental and pompous jackass.

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I get it, that you and the rest of your “friends” are okay with treating people badly, as long as it doesn’t affect you directly; even if it’s someone you’ve known pretty well and who’s been a staunch ally to you, I get that by now trust me. What I don’t get, and likely never will, is how it is that some people are so capable of smashing what’s REAL and TRUE with the faulty and fabricated bullshit that fits more comfortably for them, for their own life – no regard for what’s right versus what’s wrong, no loyalties (at least, not to the deserving). It’s lost on me.

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