Begins A Dread Ending.

Well, the biopsy results came back this morning…my mother has officially been given 1 to 2 years to live, “depending on her treatment choices”…stage 4 lung cancer that has already metastasized quite aggressively, hence that huge lump growing on her neck that I wrote about recently.

When I was driving her back to her job following this news, it was weird, almost like for the first time in my conscious memory, I didn’t want to let her out of my car – I didn’t want her to go. I’ve tried twice to speak to her since then, and had to hang up abruptly both times because I choked up completely, like a desperately bitter child.

Due to the location of the lump in her throat (it straddles her carotid artery), they have had a difficult time in diagnosing this because they didn’t want to biopsy the regular way and cut her by accident. In the meantime, she was given x-ray, CT scan, and sonogram in order to get precise measurements of its position in relation to her veins and arteries. I took her for a radiology appointment last week; when I saw the thing on the screen in the sonogram room, I went cold; something about it made my knees like jelly for a few seconds, I just got this sense of what it was – the finality it represents…I had to sit down.

Cautious.

True, I am bitter,
but, I’m far from a quitter,
you’d be smart to consider…

I’m a forgiver,
with a heart like a river,
I’ve been delivered…

No matter the weather,
never changed are my feathers,
free from the tether…

No matter the causes,
time to chalk up your losses,
you’ve left me cautious.

…THANK YOU FOR THAT…

To The Girl In Need Of This At This VERY Moment:

Don’t worry, Girlie…

One of these days, you’re gonna find you a man who will ruin your lipstick instead of your mascara. 😉

So…..Look Alive!

mascara stains

Handled Badly

handled badlyDear Heart,

Please just do your job and pump my blood – that’s all you’re supposed to be getting involved with; thank you very much!

Love,

Your Host

Damn Us.

damn us

Undone

When you’re at IKEA, and a piece of artwork you see makes you think of none other than the High & Supreme Jenny – when EVERYTHING with you seems to use her as its reference point in perspective…

When you still aren’t driving around the truck that you told her you NEEDED TO MOVE the other day – even after your so-called epiphany in regard to her ugly character the other day…

When you’re still perfectly happy and okay with taking a birthday gift from her (which translates into “kissing and making up” in my opinion, you sold out either way), while making a statement along the lines of:

“Whatever…it didn’t change anything, doesn’t matter; but the Bitch held it out from me…”

When you allow multiple misinformed friends to talk down about me, and to continue in the warped perceptions that they’ve come to harbor of me as a result of the dishonesty of your other twisted and unstable friend – and you do not stand up for me and set them straight, despite knowing beyond the shadow of any doubt – the inaccuracy that defines each one’s opinion of me…

When you are still stupid and blind enough to be falling back in right where two specific seedy, shallow and self-absorbed individuals want you, without any genuine regard for yourself or for those who actually give a fuck about you…

When you are obviously still willing to be taken advantage of by unworthy and detrimental people, while you are satisfied and somehow not disgusted with yourself for putting such an eye-sore up on a pedestal like you have, and continue to do…

While you haven’t learned the important Life Lessons yet that will determine your lasting legacy in the Universe – while you are so easy and free with the denial of what’s bad for you, while you brush aside the REAL and TRUE…

While you are still any of these painful things, please forget that we ever met.

My Featured Letter

My Featured Letter

This blog has a collaborated patchwork of works by different writers from around WordPress, and the blog’s author has asked if she can feature a letter written to Boo on New Year’s Day of this year, a few days after she went missing again.