Snap.

There’s no pattern to the trend
That teeter totters without end
No method to a madness that mends,
The sadness between every exhalation,
I pull, you push.
You’re slow, I rush.
There’s nothing happy in the end
To go and slap me in my face again
No loss of sleep, no skipping heartbeat to maintain,
No giggling, no tickling the inkling in my brain,
I give, you take.
You bend, I break.

Not Me.

Revisiting…

a familiar thing,

that trails behind me like a string;

that same ol’ gnawing,

sense of drowning,

suffocating…

pressure building,

beneath a surface’s sheen;

steadily weighing,

heavily displaying,

alienating…

a full timepiece,

that’s already bending my knees;

feelings release,

freedoms decrease,

second guessing…

constantly testing,

the tolerance of my abilities;

uncertainty,

insecurity,

there’s no controlling me.

 

Insecurities.

Today’s mega-extra-jumbo scoop of unnecessary bullshit in my corner of the currently wretched Universe might have been a doozy…had I not had my catcher’s mitt up on the air, with my eye on the ball. It has nothing to do with my specific characteristic traits or preferences, that once a person burns me, although I may very well come to genuinely understand and excuse that person’s indiscretion in burning me, such things never stray far from mind in future close-quarter (metaphoric for emotional closeness in this instance) dealings with that person. It is just a natural response in a procession of inter-actions between two creatures to (even subconsciously) be on your guard after suffering an inflicted wound once before – even if you want with all of your heart to wipe the slate clean, it’s in there somewhere: the experience of being burned, the one who burned you, included.

So recently, during the present state of absolute tragedy that I am under-going on an emotional level, a friend who pulled the ol’ Light Switch Maneuver on me a few months ago contacted me and apologized. I accepted the apology without hesitation, as I have truly missed this person’s presence since he blinked out from my life. And I harbored no grudge against him as I understand his abandonment issues all too well; I can relate to his insecurities with others and becoming close or emotionally attached, trust me. For these reasons, I had hoped he would re-surface eventually and we could be friends again. His timing was well-intended, I’m sure…however – –  – I am currently experiencing a spell of total apathy and disinterest in anything and everything I see or think or feel. I am numb in order to survive emotionally at this very point in time; and that is the reality of reality for me right now.

So, after various times of reaching out and prompting conversation with me (whereas before, I would typically carry on to no end with this person and have plenty to say about anything he talked about), and my not being very responsive because I have very little to say about ANYTHING at the moment, causes this person to deconstruct my character once again in his own mind, for whatever reasons….uhhhhhhhh……okay.

So in turn for my being in emotional shock, and being currently unresponsive to this person’s recent attempts at conversation, I became the effect to the cause behind this person’s own insecurities;

it went from:

YESTERDAY EVENING:

“I’m here for you anytime…”

TO…THIS EVENING:

“Take care…I’ll do you the favor of deleting contact info…”

I’m not arguing with it this time, not a word…I’m too fucking UNSURPRISED by it to even thank this person for doing me the favor of inflicting the second burn so soon. WTF Ever. Nothing I can do about things I’ve not done.

Turning-a-Systemic-City-into-Fire-Scenery-L

An “I” Message to Nobody In Particular

  • Image
  • It’s useless, I know – to try and make sense out of any of my feelings about this, about you;
  • I know there shouldn’t even be any feelings there over this to begin with, my bad.
  • I told myself every single day for over a year that it was meaningless, like dust in the wind;
  • I have always known that I meant no more than a good piece of ass in your vacuum world,
  • I have never allowed myself to consciously expect anything beyond the “closeness” shared during our short-lived and breathless times together, sweating all over the other one in nakedness…not consciously.
  • I certainly have more experience with these types of meaninglessness’s than you do, and I should have seen what was happening to me months ago, but I didn’t notice – if I’m telling the truth, I DID notice somewhat – I just let it go because letting it go is easier than dealing with it head on, the right way; the timely and mature way…
  • I will admit, because I am forcing myself to be honest here, that letting the things I had noticed myself feeling for you slip by enabled me to feel “close” to you for a longer duration of time than I would have been able to otherwise steal away from you, selfishly and pathetically fooling myself into thinking that eventually, you’d feel something back for me in return.
  • I do not know how to communicate the things that I feel for, and/or do or do not desire from a man in a romantic sense – I am broken that way, despite how hard I try not to be.
  • I am fully aware that there was NEVER anything between us; that we were NEVER anything substantial or even noteworthy in any way – I know that we agreed in the beginning on that. I am not playing stupid like I feel inclined to do about that element of things.
  • I feel so stupid and angry at myself for putting myself out here once again, in the headlights of a man that’s busy reading a map as well as getting a blowjob, while behind the wheel of the huge piece of machinery bearing down on me.
  • I really can’t and don’t blame you for how I am feeling, how I have dreadfully and unintentionally come to feel for you over time and the many meaningless intimacies; but the response to sting you is strong now, and my nerves shred a little bit more with each time I have to interact with you – knowing your plan to abandon this piece of your life in only a few short days from today.
  • I have a hard time actually processing such hollow behavior when it is expelled at me by others in this way, I admittedly struggle to wrap my mind around such lack of personal substance in my fellow human beings.
  • I know there’s nothing I can do to change anything about any of this, and I honestly don’t know if I would, given the chance or opportunity.
  • I am quite used to this sense of being left, holding the bag in my lap and feeling full to the brim with the notions of confusion and abandonment, sadness, loss, relief and shame – all while being completely unable to express such things to anyone who might need to hear them from my mouth.
  • I do not harbor any false sense of anything between us – rest assured with that knowledge; I do not plan on readjusting a single thing in your future opportunities waiting for you.
  • I only wish I were stronger; I wish I didn’t have this retarded need for the reassurances that can come only from the male persuasion in order to be useful and have meaning to me.
  • I’d rewind and undo all of this if I were able; I should’ve NEVER gone so far out of my way to rent that stupid movie The Chronicle that night, should have kicked you out of my room, at least.
  • I feel apologetic and sad for the long list I have created over someone who doesn’t care anyway.