And, somehow,
it’s obvious,
raw right now,
I’m dubious,
raised eyebrow,
how scandalous,
I’m over-thinking:
staunch and unblinking,
ever force-feeding,
til this nauseasness,
gets swallowed back down,
And, it repeats again,
its strenuous,
this routine I live within,
life’s tedious,
I ooze falsification,
that’s spontaneous,
I’m unbending:
by extending,
what’s pretend,
every inhalation,
a breathing fabrication,
I know how,
this saga ends,
And, someday,
the stain fades,
from visibility,
words said,
in stones marking graves,
these pathways,
to eternity,
paved by anxiety,
are, potentially,
the way out,
of the self-doubt,
raging throughout,
every last artery.

“Life Goes On”.

Way back when I was just barely thirteen
and Death stole my father quite suddenly
a stinger stuck in and burrowed beneath
I learned something then that never left me
how during the stages of trauma and grief
people say the stupidest words robotically
How “Life will go on” or how “Time will ease“,
Such a blow to a child’s sense of stability…

I recall the way all tried to describe so emptily
how things wouldn’t feel as unreal for eternity
how things would settle back into normalcy
how the grief-stricken child would heal eventually
And each had been right about just one thing
in the context of my quickly evolving reality
each time they grasped straws in my comforting
by telling me ‘Life would go on’ still, for me…

I wonder if there was even the slightest inkling
behind such words that I heard rather constantly
that the thirteen-year-old was, indeed, listening
to the messages shone through such faked sympathy
this was how I learned the lesson of superficiality
by being forced to listen to such hollow human beings
the loss of my only parent had marred me spiritually
scarred my soul, shut down parts of my heart permanently…

Yet, in the eyes of those outside my immediate family
I recognized that element that darkens all humanity
that need to keep the world painted in a happy scene
at the expense of those whose former world is darkening
and so, today, if I am faced with a friend in like mourning
I will never offer empty words in attempt to ease the suffering
I remember all too well: the affect that such bullshit had on me
when my present, past, and future were stripped away so suddenly.


This villainous fiend that is me,

the shadow in firelight,

the beast waiting to spite,

such villainous things I perceive;

this slowly emptying sea,

the waves that break,

the breaths they take,

what a fucking tragedy;

this temper tantrumming,

the punches at air,

the utter despair,

such a childish identity;

this condition that’s underlying,

the highs and lows,

the last to know,

such a burden is mine to carry;

this unforgiven monstrosity,

the one under my skin,

the one who I am,

such a hideous monster is me.



Not Without Challenge.

How many nights,
just like this one…
brought with them,
to roll slowly,
to fall coldly…
over sharp cheekbones?
Dropped from mine,
my own eyes…
saturated in sadness,
nothing else,
besides myself…
on and on my spirit drones.
Missing the beats,
deeply flawed…
without any hope,
without answer,
tumorless cancer…
concocting cures on my own.
in how many ways,
must I prove to myself…
not without challenge,
so unsavory,
and, unwavering…
before I drive the message home?

The First Official Public Cut Throat Club Award!

cut throat badgeThe newest member of the Cut-Throat Club and Today’s Award Recipient:

“Penny Lane Seriously”, a gifted writer, who shares some eerily similar histories to my own; as well as being an unsung genius in literary symbolism and prose – is the Official Second Cut-Throat online! You can  always go visit her blog, read her stuff and see why I I have recognized the cut-throat in her. Congratulations on being an extraordinary Survivor, PLS. Here’s lookin’ at YOU!

Feel free to sport your badge on your blog, too…hugs!

My Liebster Amendment



Let me begin this by saying that this award thing has been a new experience for me and I am not a natural at this kind of thing: interacting with others (especially online because it’s like pulling a name from a hat essentially) – in real life, I suffer from PTSD-borne Agoraphobia; in real time, I’ve been consciously harboring a violent fantasy infused by an insatiable revenge against a vast, organized, politically endorsed national outfit; in the real world, I have difficulty interacting with people for the most part, because I can’t relate to 9 out of 10 of them…

 In the presumptuousness that consumed my award-nominating frenzy yesterday, I apparently forgot about the fact that not all bloggers are receptive to the idea of being awarded for their blog; and nominated at least person who graciously declined to accept my nomination, as the blog I nominated is an “Award-Free Blog”.  (Again, to the blogger to which I refer:  please forgive my presumptuousness in putting you on blast)

So this morning, I thought I’d nominate another blog in place of the one that won’t be participating; and then I realized what a dumb ass I’d be if I did it again to someone else who didn’t want to be put on blast by some strange reader of the blogosphere. Then I was back to being convinced that I should nominate a fifth blogger for the award.

I chewed.

I chewed.

SIDE NOTE: There is ONE in particular in whom my innate impulse to nominate (because this blogger is an amazing example of what I consider modern-day chivalry and righteousness in ways that are so rare and unique) was immediately over-shadowed by the flashbacks that shot into my cerebral awareness of the loud and proud badges of his being an “Award-Free Blog”.

And even though this is NOT a NOMINATION for any kind of blog award, this link is still completely worthy of visiting, if my readers may be so inclined to check it out, it’s one of my favorite AWARD FREE SITES around.


The final nomination for the Liebster Award is going to someone I completely overlooked yesterday when I posted; and so I am glad it worked out this way because this woman has so many profoundly insightful tidbits that drop into my lap through reading her blog; she’s young mom and wife with a an amazing resilience that shines through all the way over here to the West Coast beaches…Please visit her site at

And with that, I conclude my Liebster Procedure Amendment (besides my final post with the 11 random questions to the nominees later today).

Blue Skies… 

– J