Sold Out.

How much did my heart end up bidding for?

That day when you auctioned the final valve out;

How many times did I have to beg you to stop?

Before you even realized what I was begging about.

And, when the snow fell in around your barricaded world ;

and no one else cared to come dig for your face…

that final shot – the one that stole your last sane thought –

must’ve come to you just as I set fire to my own face.

I still find your child-like, crumpled pieces of note;

an ocean of lies with each word that you wrote;

I still scream teardrop stains that streak down both cheeks;

Alone and afraid to swim through the bullshit you speak.

The doctors say the fragments of your blade is almost gone;

my back will heal up and they’ll sew my wings back on…

so that I can take flight just one very last time –

in order to die with a grip on what’s mine.

For YOU.

abandon your instincts

 

Why would I want to begrudge or deny – a pair of mended wings?

The only thing I might do, would be to ask you to –

Use them to get you as far as you can from me.

I am not mad about the successes you’ve had – or the future you look ahead for.

The problem you see, is that your healing doesn’t heal me –

On the contrary, I’m somehow emptier than I was before.

 

But these things don’t necessarily mean – that my intentions for you have changed;

I still wish you no less, than the bluest skies and lasting breath –

You’ve confided your struggles and most secret fears and spiritual pain.

Just because the stars don’t glow just for “US” – Life will still go on.

Separate paths will slowly pass – and forgotten belly laughs –

I want you to keep flying further and further, now that you’ve really gone.

 

Fuck It.

fuck it

Judgment Day

He LIED to me, blatantly and cruelly, despite my genuine support of HIS BULLSHIT for so long – day in and day out –

HE HAD BEEN LYING TO ME SINCE I TRIED TO “DO THE RIGHT THING” AND KNOCK THE WHOLE THING OFF, MONTHS BEFORE HE MOVED OUT!!!

And while that type of thing is obviously okay with you and your people, it IS NOT OKAY with me. I didn’t deserve it; I didn’t ask for it (literally, the opposite); and I will damned if I am going to be further insulted about the fucked up bullshit that I just endured at the hands of your “friend” by you – when you truly have no clue what you’re even talking about. It sucks that you had to go there and say the absolute worst thing you could possibly say to me in regard to that pondscum “friend” of yours – and my so-called “unnecessary drama”. Where the hell do you get off?

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For the record (and so that next time you go talking about it, you KNOW what the fuck REALLY went on):

I tried (beginning several months ago) to break it off. This was due to the fact that I DID, INDEED, SEE THIS BULLSHIT COMING. I tried telling him so many times that I didn’t want shit to end up this way, and all he ever said back to me was stuff like, “Don’t worry…”, or “It’s fine…”, or my personal favorite, “I still want to continue this when I move out…” I tried to tell him that I had no interest in becoming his “booty call”, he swore that wasn’t the case…

Next, when I tried to explain that I had feelings involved for him, and was feeling very used and discarded (based solely on his actions and lack, thereof), in hope that he would understand that this wasn’t stupid game to me – it’s my life – what little there is left of one anyway…he only became more unwilling to behave like a human being. He continued to lie to me throughout his actual move – to appease me in order to continue having his God damned cake and eating it, too. The last batch he dropped off to me prior to the last one, I stood my ground solidly and flat out told him I was losing interest in him and his head games, that I didn’t feel like he was worthy of my attention or affection, that I didn’t want to see him anymore outside of his visits to see you or whatever. He seemed to take in stride, which pissed me off but I let it go.

The very next day, I sent him a text asking to see him before the weekend to swap out batches, as I had finished what he left with me, and he showed up here an hour later – all sweet and sugar-coated, all full of his bullshit lies and head games, and I caved. The next day, I was so angry at myself, and at him, for being such a sucker. I told him so. He proceeded to dog me out once more (the time he flaked me off all day and then showed up shitfaced drunk on a Sunday night), and when he got here, I again, tried to send him packing.

I said: “I don’t want you here if you don’t want to be here.”

He said: “I do, I do want to be here, and you are the only one…I swear.”

And then I let him in my bed again, because I wanted to believe the leis he was telling me, that he’s always been telling me ALL ALONG.

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Please understand that this entire thing has been a head game on my end; and it’s been quite an unjust head game, to boot. I will never understand how certain people are able to sleep at night, but it’s not my place to understand sociopathy, I guess.

All that I know is:

When you or anyone else in your highly misinformed group of “friends” feel obliged to judge me (as I KNOW you ALL do, without doubt), especially in the context of either of the maggot “friends” of yours that I have stupidly tangled with – it would always be more respectable and much less cruel, to actually have the facts and information before doing so. Otherwise, you chalk yourself up with the rest of your “friends” by behaving like a judgmental and pompous jackass.

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I get it, that you and the rest of your “friends” are okay with treating people badly, as long as it doesn’t affect you directly; even if it’s someone you’ve known pretty well and who’s been a staunch ally to you, I get that by now trust me. What I don’t get, and likely never will, is how it is that some people are so capable of smashing what’s REAL and TRUE with the faulty and fabricated bullshit that fits more comfortably for them, for their own life – no regard for what’s right versus what’s wrong, no loyalties (at least, not to the deserving). It’s lost on me.

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