Daunted By Joy.

I must have read it somewhere in each and every piece on terminal cancer that I have pored over since her diagnosis…references to:

“The people you least expect to offer any kind of support to you during this chaotic time will surprise you while those you were certain you could depend on will be nowhere to be found…”

Since my mom’s admission to the ER and subsequently, the ICU and so on, I have been trying to ignore the nagging buzz in my inner ear surrounding my mom’s overall situation at home. I have been trying super hard NOT to judge my dad for letting her sink so low, without even noticing she had such a bad fever and was deathly ill until it was literally just an inarguable fact that she was in some serious trouble; and needed serious help. Like I wrote before, this had been the VERY FIRST DAY I left her alone all day – and look where she ended up before 8pm. Needless to say, I have some serious concerns about her well-being; given the fact that she was quite apparently not being cared for properly BEFORE her chemo dance with death to the tune of septic pneumonia; how can I expect that she will be adequately looked after NOW, being released from the hospital following a closely related (to the lack of care she received that day) near-death experience? Mom will be coming home with me for at least the next few days (I am both overwhelmed with joy and thoroughly daunted at the same time by this reality), through Christmas at least. I can’t bear the thought of sending her to her home and dropping her off to be overlooked and not taken care of during such a crucial time for her ongoing survival.

My dad has been such a dick throughout this whole thing…he has been shining my mom everyday – not showing up at the hospital to see her or never bringing her the stuff she asked for. Not answering his phone or calling back. Not showing up at the job that I’m totally winging in order to cover my mom’s standing commitments to her former clients to let bring me supplies or to help me meet a deadline. It’s been a fucking insane week for everyone, and apparently he has slept through most of. I understand that we all deal with grief differently, and he is probably really heartbroken and distraught. But the fact that he has allowed Boo back in full-time in my mom’s absence has things really fucked up between my parents again at present. And the creature I gave birth to, Boo, can’t just do the right thing, can she?

So, basically, my mom feels as if my dad has “chosen Boo over her” again…and he is just oblivious with his fucking head further up his ass every day, it seems…

I refuse to have any contact with my daughter; while my parents have allowed her to remain a constant presence in their home, despite her many violations against them in the face of their kindness. And now, this leaves us in quite the predicament, because I can’t go home with my mom to her house and take care of her when Boo is smoking meth in the next room. It’s fucking absurd, how my dad won’t open his fucking eyes and just kick my drug-addict hooker daughter the fuck out so that MY MOM CAN RECOVER FROM FUCKING PNEUMONIA IN HER OWN HOME. I am at a loss as to what to do about any of it…I just know I can’t possibly send my mom into that environment as it is now, and won’t even consider it. Gods damn it, she pulled through this recent crisis, and she should have a good Christmas without the worries associated with her living situation…it’s most likely her last one…how does my dad not give a fuck about that?

Ohhhhhm.

If the rising “end-of-‘Ochama’-term” political tension is this obvious and real (nearly tangible) to me: a half-bred Native stoner who will NEVER gang bang either the Donkey Drone or Elitist Elephant; I can only imagine the prescriptions that all of the associated psychiatrists have been, and will continue to be writing throughout the Republican Ramp Up Rally that’s come out of a fitful hibernation.

USA_by_Ariverrr

The Differences Between us

enemy

 

 

I once believed in my fellow human being – the same kind of human being as the kind that I am:  a creature that is fully capable and often willing to lay importance at the feet of anything outside of itself, genuine in the spirits of kindness and empathy. I used to have faith of embarrassing depths in the notion that most, if not all, other people I knew were hardwired to perceive something as seemingly innate as the consideration of needs belonging to those besides ourselves. I have learned in the hardest of ways, however, that the vast majority of so-called humans, are in stark contrast to the type of human being that I remain. When I use the word “remain” to describe the way I feel about the obvious differences between me and 9 out of 10 people that I know, it’s meant to convey the underlying sense that I harbor regarding the human species’ and the Darwinian theory of physiological evolution. It seems as if people, or at the very least – those whom reside in even the most subtle of urban populations, are speedily adapting to our surrounding stimuli and environmental variables, as we have historically done in social settings; there is no profound or enlightening information surrounding human ability to adapt in a wide range of extremely disparate scenarios.  The difference that I have repeatedly observed as quite an alarming implication of the future course all of humankind – one that has become increasingly prevalent and even sub-consciously celebrated in our populations worldwide – would most certainly be the way in which humankind has branched out within the parameters of those adaptations.

For example, in the Missing Link Theory of human genetics, we have perceived this Missing Link as the bridge that will explain the vast differences between the behaviors and cultures of the modern human (Homo sapien) lifestyle and those of our closest ancestors, Homo neanderthalensis i.e. “Ötzi, The Ice Man” and Homo floresiensis i.e. “Flo, The Flores Man”. Our species were separated by differences in lifestyle so vast and dumbfounding, that the only reasonable cause for such differences has been identified as evolution. This apparently random type of “leap mutation” between genetically embedded codes associated with each species, miraculously proved to be the essence of Human Evolution. There remains an unknown variable (the missing link) that was theoretically a necessary element that directly caused the effected fast-track of the human species to the top of the food chain during this evolutionary shift in power amongst our ancient ancestors and those similar in classification. Scientists cannot say for certain why it was US (humans), as opposed to the various hominid species around at that point in history (at least one class is known to have had notably larger brains than humans) – excelled in the unprecedented advancements we achieved. The sudden explosion of creative processes such as the formation and widespread use of verbal and symbolic communications, tool crafting and building, and hunting wild animals for use of meat, fur and hide, practices never before mastered by any mammalian creature, offers evidence that something physiological happened that changed the wiring in the human brain – thus, explaining the extreme adaptations to the human physique and lifestyle.

Every other hominid-family species died off shortly after our time of shared existence. The next amazing fact surrounding our exceptional evolutionary leap ahead of our counterparts – would undoubtedly be how our species not only survived the mass dying-out of our entire family of genetic kin, we seemed to have flourished throughout such an ordeal; our skills became honed and our crafts were practiced and perfected to an art. We have prevailed at the top of the food chain for centuries – on an innately hardwired quest in search of knowledge through discovery and control through dominance. The ever-more-familiar changes in human behavior (generally speaking) speak volumes to me about how deeply embedded the notion of selfishness and self-absorption truly have become in the mutants all around me – the mutated versions of would-be human beings that make up the easy majority of the national population – and most likely – the Global Population. These obnoxiously shallow creatures are the type who don’t think the rules of the world apply to them, and act accordingly in every aspect of daily life; these are the assholes who don’t feel like they should have to wait in traffic like the rest of us, so they cut in line or drive the shoulder; the very same people who steal and lie unnecessarily – in the spirit of being “control” over what doesn’t belong to them. The collective human mind has quickly become over- motivated by a tangible, tradable wealth; in place the eternally important spiritual one.

A friend of mine said the other day, “The ideology of Control has slipped behind the driver’s seat and gotten onto the highway…” to which, I replied, “I hate to rain on your Socratic Parade, but, Control was the genius that designed and built the fuckin’ car…”

The urge harbored for centuries by humankind to control is equivalent to a social poison; a toxicity to the brain that likely infected and killed off those distant genetic cousins of ours during the Great Leap era. What puzzles me more than how we humans managed to out-evolve Neanderthals known to have had larger brains than ours, is how we have subsequently , and collectively – managed to evolve this far without the genocidal response of this seemingly genetic need to control. When faced with the question of whether or not I feel assured in my fellow human being’s ability to evolve in a “civilized” and broadly acceptable manner to which decent people should naturally have a tendency to accept and abide by, it gives me pause to think. My response would be yes, I feel confident of our species’ abilities; the uncertainty that I harbor falls much closer within the areas of human willingness and desire to forge ahead – with any true or virtuous motivation.

You’re probably sitting there, wondering, what the fuck is the point of this post?

I know – so am I…

I suppose the bottom line of this rant about my fellow human being – both the mutated and non-mutated forms of it – turns out to liquid-damaged and impossible to define; surprise, surprise. All I know is that I am chewing it up and pondering heavily: the notion of another Missing Link scenario repeating itself the not-so-distant future, another point in ultimate history that can potentially later be described as the phenomenon of an apparently super-accelerated genetic branching within the human species. Think of this the next time that you are the unfortunate victim of the inconsiderate douchebag who blocks you into your parking spot at the post office simply as a means of saving his own time and energy; or the time some idiot tried to jack you for your rightful seat at a show, because everyone knows that you should totally be okay with paying for a drunken stranger to enjoy Kevin Neelan, Dennis Miller and Dana Carvey in your place.  Maybe a few of you might pick up what I’m putting down here; try and look around you and identify the differences that are becoming increasingly extreme between an old-world, empathic and considerate human being – and the more recently evolved and “refined” human being mutation – those who are unable to venture beyond the compounds of self-gratifying, self-serving and self-perseverance to a an obnoxious fault. The differences will only get more divisive over time, I would imagine; which leaves me with an anxiety hard to convey in words.

…just sayin…