Two Steps Back.

I’m sitting in misery with one side of my face doubled in size; pain-killer-free because I am a non-practicing addict these days; in an exceptional amount of radiating pain…
I am angry today;
I am angry because I can’t dissociate and escape this…
I am angry because I am angry that I can’t dissociate…
I am angry about my decision to let people near me – near my life – today…
(This renders me far less able to detach and then isolate myself in order to crawl into the familiarity of the proverbial comfortable default “hole” to deal with things – solo).
Today, I feel notably angry that I have been so unable to foster and maintain anything worth a fuck in my time alive; I feel as if everything I touch disintegrates beneath my fingertips…
I am fearfully responsive today…
I got the wobbles last week and haven’t fully found my way completely out of the fear…
I am feeling unstable at the knees…
Again, I question everything… because all of my ‘hard-earned’ power and control over my own existence was removed temporarily (during the anxiety attack/ the wobbles) to remind me of my subjectivity with a fresh coat of “you are nothing”.
These are the days in which EVERYTHING and ALL OF IT seem to be futile…
Days like today render my spirit: obsolete and out-dated…

Tomorrow’s another day, though, ya’ll.