Here it is:
The truth is never kind, remember?
What’s kind is rarely true.
You taught me that.
It was a lesson that actually sunk in, too.
Now it’s part of me.
So I guess you are too.
But, just not in a good way.
I was very upset for like a half hour this morning; after tasting the semi-familiar flavor of your words and how you use them.
I used to be so impressed by your wordsmithing; you know it’s true.
Today’s flavor, however, left a wretched, bitter aftertaste in my mouth.
After actually looking at your face again for the first time in over a year, it’s strange to me.
The vague and foreign-feeling man I see is a stranger.
There’s no stirring in my guts of those long gone butterflies.
There’s no emotional spark up my spine.
A smile no longer reflexively cracks across my face upon seeing yours.
Today, I realized I’ve really made a big mistake.
I was always in my own right to hate you – who you are.
Lately, the way I have been feeling so confusedly heartbroken over you again like it’s a fresh slight.
It’s like I stepped out of a time machine and am lagging in past circumstances while the rest of the world has gone on without me.
So I went back over things associated with the period of time from which I dissociated and checked out – specifically, things attached to you and me.
I learned that my alter ego dealt with you swiftly and coolly, as was only appropriate at the time.
Given how I had somehow managed to completely block out all the low-blows and cold-hearted actions on your part during that time-frame (not to mention all the venomous things you spewed at me non-stop while my Mom was newly diagnosed and dying), it’s a miracle I ever began to tolerate your presence in the Universe again at all, in any context.
I look in my settings on different websites to find your username and old IP Address on the blacklists everywhere.
Upon re-familiarizing myself with the sticky cobwebs, ghostly threats and promises of it all (and I do mean ALL of it), my mind became better able to recall the better portion of everything:
√ My desperation to shake you off my leg,
√ My feelings of suffocation and my anxious state of mind,
√ My fear of the overwhelming weight of it all,
√ Your incessant neediness and misdirected anger,
It was not “love”…it was not “love” at all…
It was just another missing chunk of time from my life that some buzzing sound in the back of my head tries to embed as having been “love”, historically.
Because, my brain needs to feel as if it has been “loved”, known “love”…actually felt “love” somewhere in those missing chunks of time, by someone.
It didn’t have to be you.
If it wasn’t you, it’d been the next guy down the line.
So it’s true: You are nothing special and neither am I.
WE are nothing and never were and I see that now and agree with you.
Not cut out to take a stroll through a park together.
Doomed from the gate.