He Versus I.

Had I not already been neck-deep in the execution of self-sabotaging the thing between me and a particular (possibly) impossible person whom I have been trying to let “court” me, when he opted to get pissed off at me (for the very first time) and wrap yesterday up by dumping me, another Valentine’s Day might have become memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Luckily (and I say luckily with a heavy and exaggerated roll of my eyes), I was well into that familiar, contradictory and counter-productive pattern of “seek-build-destroy” when it all happened – so I wasn’t too heartbroken.

I expect such things anyway, Hell, I create them. I tried to tell this one from the start, too – how we seemed to represent like, Polar Opposites at the end of the day. We have very little in common besides work (yes, we work together) and physical attraction. He literally left me with my mouth hanging open when he asked me to go out with him because I had previously imagined him as a total yuppie that travels for fun (he’s very worldly) with season tickets to the Warriors or whatever. Like many men from “the clean side of the tracks”, he was intrigued by my roughened edges, I suppose.  When I told him that I thought we had nothing in common with each other, he said something like,

“Just let me surprise you on that score.”

A surprise that I am still waiting for…

 

He:

is too normal (he reads the newspaper and drives an SUV)…too well-maintained by scheduled workouts and personal tailors…too condescending without meaning to be…too hopeful and focused on The Big Picture.

I:

am so fucked up in the head that I can’t get close to anyone (the more I want to, the harder it gets to actually let happen)…too unbalanced and paranoid by a lack of human interaction…too defensive without meaning to be…too traumatized to exist outside of One Moment At A Time.

Drowning Pool – Turn So Cold.

“It’s too much, not enough…

what you need, I don’t get…

and all I get is you turning away.

Who’s Winning?

“…love was as hardwired into the structure of the universe as gravity and matter.”
– Dan Simmons, The Rise of Endymion

one-ocean

For my own contribution to the pretentiousness of celebrating Saint Beheaded for my Defiance of a Medieval Catholic Pope’s Marriage LawsValentine’s Day, I wanted to simply share my own notions behind LOVE and the definition that I personally carry of it; for anyone who may be interested…
Love is not knowing, but jumping in anyway.
Love is the feeling of stitches dissolving in your skin.
Love is the smile of an innocent child in the grips of wonder.
Love is a giant, canine bearing sea-lion being afraid of you.
Love is sunshine.
Love is an all-encompassing acceptance that changes your DNA.
Love is hoping against all logic or reason.
Love is being the first face to come into view, every time.
Love can be tangible.
Love can be fickle.
Love can bring us to our knees, in many different variances.
Love will NEVER leave us alone.
Love is darkness.
Love is light.
Love is the answer as well as the question in languages that humanity does not yet speak.
Love may be a language that humanity as we know it never learns.
Love was the mother of all Hatred.
Love is the force behind all of it, everything.
Love bore Mother Earth, the Sun, and every star.
Love is God. God is a Goddess. The Goddess falls back in Love.
Love can conquer all.
Love doesn’t necessarily want to conquer all.
And lastly,
When I didn’t love Love, it loved Me, Anyway.

Turned Around in the Grave.

Out of a most malicious spite
I send a vibe worldwide tonight

to all of you misguided souls
professing “love” through your bankrolls

on this “holiday” I usually tend to lean
to a position that renders me unfeeling

Because I can’t bring myself to celebrate
the barbaric silencing of a murdered Saint

I wonder if everyone feels caught in a display
like a mindless mannequin posed to sit that way

I wonder if a second thought goes out across the night
of torture, death and blood-lust behind the candlelight

as you snuggle up and whisper empty bullshit born of wine
there’s turning in the grave belonging to St. Valentine

I’d go as far to say that if he’d had the slightest clue
of the mockery his brutal execution would turn into

It is likely the good Saint might think another way, indeed
and laugh in the very faces of those he traded for the guillotine.

Valentine’s Day, Again.

VD-35

So…I know that I historically lose a few followers every year for my opinions surrounding this stupid-ass “holiday“; and no, nothing’s changed.

I still think it is a pathetic show of disregard for HISTORICAL TRUTH/ACCURACY put forth especially well by my very own country men and women. It continues to be a bad representation on a humanitarian level, the very concept of it is still lacking in scruples, and the fact that so many people take it so seriously is truly disturbing to me.

In any case, because everyone insists on celebrating this warped and poorly evolved “holiday“, even now – after all this time, I say let’s celebrate it the right fucking way, at least.

Saint V was executed by the Pope for refusing to fall in line with notions that he disagreed with on a fundamental level of his own spirituality and individual relationship with God. This man went to a horrible death for what he believed to be that God’s will, in contrast to the over-imposing standard of the Vatican of his era. Modern day human beings are inarguably a shallow lot then, aren’t we? We are certainly shallow and self-absorbed enough to enable and foster the perpetuation of such an all-around bullshit “holiday” on our calendars; shallow enough to desire such a day for ourselves every year; shallow enough to be spending money on sweets and jewelry, eating over-priced candle-lit dinners, and essentially shitting all over the barbaric TRUTH behind the origins of why this date is considered to be historically notable. Such a hideously shameful display it all is; and so disrespectful to the dead guy who gave this “holiday” it’s name…but, that’s just my opinion.

Who’s Winning?

“Love was as hardwired into the structure of the universe as gravity and matter.”
– Dan Simmons, The Rise of Endymion

For my own contribution to the loads of SaintExecuted for My Defiance of a Medieval Catholic Pope’s Marriage LawsValentine’s Day, I wanted to simply share my own notions behind LOVE and the definition that I personally carry of it; for anyone who may be interested…
Love is not knowing, but jumping in anyway.
Love is the feeling of stitches dissolving in your skin.
Love is the smile of an innocent child in the grips of wonder.
Love is a giant, canine bearing sea-lion being afraid of you.
Love is sunshine.
Love is an all-encompassing acceptance that changes your DNA.
Love is hoping against all logic or reason.
Love is being the first face to come into view, every time.
Love can be tangible.
Love can be fickle.
Love can bring us to our knees, in many different variances.
Love will NEVER leave us alone.
Love is darkness.
Love is light.
Love is the answer as well as the question in languages that humanity does not yet speak.
Love may be a language that humanity as we know it never learns.
Love was the mother of all Hatred.
Love is the force behind all of it, everything.
Love bore Mother Earth, the Sun, and every star.
Love is God. God is a Goddess. The Goddess falls back in Love.
Love can conquer all.
Love doesn’t necessarily want to conquer all.
And lastly,
When I didn’t love Love, it loved Me, Anyway.

“No Donner-for-Dinner Day”

Stand Back Up Again.

Stand Back Up Again.

As our super-horribly-awful holiday known as Valentine’s Day draws nearer:

Okay so a lot of you may be offended by my concept and I truly apologize to anyone who takes offense at my attempt to kill two birds with the one stone…but:

Instead of Valentine’s Day on February 14, I suggest that February 19 become National “No Donner for Dinner Day” in celebration of the long-overdue rescue efforts made by Californians to get the Donner Party to safety from the Pass.

I really dislike the concept of Valentine’s Day and always have – not sure why besides the fact that it’s just flat-out dumb in my opinion. St. Valentine was executed by the Pope in return for his defiance of the catholic marriage laws, his story is nowhere near “romantic”.

NOTE: I realize that not everyone made it out alive and I am in no way making light of the tragedy surrounding this bit of humor; but I do, however – feel that if we are going to demand a holiday for every month and need one for February, it should be something worthy of a National Holiday, for Christ sake…I mean, when was the last time anybody wrote a biography on Cupid or even the good Saint, for that matter?…some guy from medieval Europe celebrated as an American holiday, really? It’s just not worthy.

The rescue of the surviving members of such a horrific, VERY American historical tragedy is quite worthy as a celebratory memorial holiday, in my opinion. I mean, can you imagine anything better to celebrate besides the Donner Party (as well as several attachment families and various individual travelers) exiting a winter-long living, freezing, starving Hell. The losses of these people were difficult to comprehend from my warm bedroom in sunny Nor-Cal, but I know that at least one of the survivors one time made the statement in an interview with a reporter that he’d preferred to have died up on the Pass in the snow with his brother…a statement that gives one pause to think a little longer about the endurance of those who came down the Pass and carried on with life afterward.