Sapling.

What does this woman want?

She wants to be secure,

wants to be assured,

wants to feel beholden,

to bring warmth to the touch of her master;

And, what does the man want?

He wants to greedily admire,

wants to be twice as admired,

wants to burn eternal,

to forever sizzle within at the sight of his object;

The equation seems simple,

closeness shall draw the rest together, in turn,

a man and a woman are natural companions,

the admiration one holds for the other,

is not enough – has never been enough,

will never be enough to purge,

from the spirit of the man,

or from the soul of the woman,

the sapling that lies within the belly of both,

grown from the seed of Lust and Blood,

one, the child of Fear and Jealousy,

the other, born to War and Desire,

now together – now ripped at the seam,

the dark hours are the battleground,

on which we strike our most memorable,

and powerful of blows,

to behold the single rogue,

sweat drop as it defiantly rolls

from your brow down the bridge of your nose

and disappears in the corner of my eye, as usual.

 

Maybe I’m Just Stoned #2.

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To My Lovely Gentlemen Readers:
You know I love you guys and this IS NOT a clown or jab in the direction of the male persuasion that comes from a mean spirit; it’s all in TRUTHFULLY told, good, clean, fun…and weed….lots and lots of weed.
~~~
Maybe I’m just super stoned again tonight…we’ll see I guess…

Okay, so, is it just me, or…
Is the willingness to commit when it comes to conversation between a man and woman VASTLY weakened, in comparison to his willingness to commit to another man (not in a romantic or sexual way)? A lifelong friend of my roommate Dice stopped by tonight after work for a visit. It’s been a while since we saw this particular guy, as he has been buried by the project of a DIY home remodel – a huge project, indeed. Dice is single (something that his mama doesn’t appreciate as she is itching for grandkids) and as long as I have known Dice, his intention of remaining “single” for the most part has remained unchanged; he is just the kind of guy who answers to nobody and recognizes that relationships just aren’t his thing, I guess.
I have heard this man argue any and every valid (or invalid) point behind his lack of any desire to commit himself to any ONE woman; he even ended a relationship he had been in for several years because the grip kept tightening in his perception. I feel that I can fairly make the statement of:
“Dice is no friend to commitment when it comes to any exclusive inter-personal relationships with others.”

Tell me why it is then, that within a matter of moments after sitting down with his friend to catch up on the construction of his home, the word “we” is being thrown around like a fucking cheap hooker. I swear to the Gods, it was as if Dice has had a hidden mouse in his pocket all day or is suddenly in a second person narrative! It was shocking to me, seriously…and yes, I was possibly over-stoney and reading too much into things, but damn…

“We might also wanna think about…”
“We could look into building up from beneath…”
“If we fill in the ditch, we will have plenty of room to…”
I mean this is the same guy who won’t even collectively chip in on household products with me because it feels too much like a binding to him somehow for Christ’s sake! Yet, when it came to construction (or, last weekend, the stripping down of an ancient Land Cruiser belonging to a different male friend of his)…it was pretty profound in my own pothead opinion.

But, maybe I’m just stoned.

Postcards From Freedom! *A Population Study*

POPULATION:     Not Enough.

POPULATION:
Not Enough.

Reckless Abandon(ment Issues)

There’s never been any exception to the rule.

Every single person in whom I have ever depended or relied on emotionally – has not only abandoned me, but in most cases, abandoned me to a predetermined “Pack of Wolves” when the time came.

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Those who haven’t been chalked up with the rest of the weasels and worms of my glowing (in a radio-active pond scum sort of way) past never got the opportunity to abandon me – because those were the people who came after I was jaded and ruined already…after I had grown detrimentally cynical and paranoid of other human beings and their hidden agendas.

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I am a woman who is strange and complex by her own doing; I have grown resigned and tired in the face of human connectedness, of trying to find it anymore. I have done most of this to myself though; I do not try to deny such an obvious fact. On the other hand, I cannot explain my own actions when it comes to romantic behaviors and the lack, thereof.

I can’t acknowledge as my own, the things about myself that I don’t understand or necessarily want to understand – it becomes too heavy to be honest the way I was raised to be, even with myself.

The truth is a heavy burden; so it goes that few choose to carry it.”

-A random, but very memorable quote I read somewhere, long ago

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Never, was I someone who others would have considered to be “promising” or “wholesome”, nor was I ever the “one” that any guy would purposely take home to meet his parents for whatever reasons – although once I bumped into his Mom or Dad, I was almost unfailingly an instant family “favorite”, and always, at worst: respected and trusted by his parents. That has always been explainable in my own mind by the fact that I am a respectable woman, a respectable human being.

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As the years of life began to increasingly pass me by quickly, however, this point became ever more painful for me to exist within – like a scarlet letter branded to my forehead for anyone I encounter to recognize as the scary monster that it is: the fact that I am not lovable to men in a lasting and meaningful way.

I blame this reality of my life on two main things that I can personally take ownership of:

  1. My own warped sense of what a man should mean and be to a woman – born of the fact that I was reared amongst ONLY male chauvinists ranging widely in age and severity.
  2. The fact that I am a highly sensual and sexual woman – which inconveniently translates into very exceptional sex in each former beau’s point of view, and lots of it – all the time –too much sometimes – rendering it seemingly impossible for a man to forge actual emotional attachments to me somehow in the early stages of any relationship.

These two things in combination with the fact that I have grown into this awful, suspicious and insecure adult woman with a little girl’s response to so many negative experiences and endeavors in the realm of romance and relationships with men, renders me eternally incapable of building, much less – maintaining any relationships with men that mean anything more than have a single one of my “guy friends” I’ve carved years out of my overall lifespan in having non-committal sexual flings with.

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Despite this piece of ugliness in my cookie jar, the guys still greedily accept a cookie when I open the jar up and offer. I always wind up alone and lonely – wondering if I will ever find someone who can handle me on a long term basis…or if I’m just destined and doomed to feel this way now forever, always knowing deep down what it was almost like to grasp such an elusive thing in my palm.

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When given something similar to an “ultimatum” between all of me or none of me, because eventually even my frigid heart gets broken by such uncaring and cold-halfheartedness, not a single one of the chalked up worms and weasels chose to take ALL OF ME. Not one. Not one even tried to take on the challenge with high hopes, nobody has ever bothered with me – nobody has ever wanted to take all of me. TRUTH.

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I cannot bring myself to trust one, despite the achingly constant desire I harbor to do so – my pride wins every time, and I settle for being alone before being taken for another ride. This has come to define every element of my current state of affairs – or unaffairs – or whatever they are or aren’t. I say that I am happy and better off alone, and I truly mean the “better off” part when I say it; but I am far from happy and I want “happy”…just once in my life, if even temporary.

 

Undone

When you’re at IKEA, and a piece of artwork you see makes you think of none other than the High & Supreme Jenny – when EVERYTHING with you seems to use her as its reference point in perspective…

When you still aren’t driving around the truck that you told her you NEEDED TO MOVE the other day – even after your so-called epiphany in regard to her ugly character the other day…

When you’re still perfectly happy and okay with taking a birthday gift from her (which translates into “kissing and making up” in my opinion, you sold out either way), while making a statement along the lines of:

“Whatever…it didn’t change anything, doesn’t matter; but the Bitch held it out from me…”

When you allow multiple misinformed friends to talk down about me, and to continue in the warped perceptions that they’ve come to harbor of me as a result of the dishonesty of your other twisted and unstable friend – and you do not stand up for me and set them straight, despite knowing beyond the shadow of any doubt – the inaccuracy that defines each one’s opinion of me…

When you are still stupid and blind enough to be falling back in right where two specific seedy, shallow and self-absorbed individuals want you, without any genuine regard for yourself or for those who actually give a fuck about you…

When you are obviously still willing to be taken advantage of by unworthy and detrimental people, while you are satisfied and somehow not disgusted with yourself for putting such an eye-sore up on a pedestal like you have, and continue to do…

While you haven’t learned the important Life Lessons yet that will determine your lasting legacy in the Universe – while you are so easy and free with the denial of what’s bad for you, while you brush aside the REAL and TRUE…

While you are still any of these painful things, please forget that we ever met.

Ready? Round 2!

So….I guess this means you’ll be moving whenever it might best suits your own selfish needs, that’s quite obvious.

What isn’t obvious when it should be is the fact that YOU DO NOT GET TO STRONG-ARM YOUR WAY AROUND HERE anymore as it is your place of residence. It isn’t. It never really was, it was the address you chose use for your girlfriend’s stupid little useless dogs while she was in prison and you were supposed to be “taking care” of them. When, in reality, all you did was touch down once in a while to see if everything was going in a way that made you look good from the outside of things.

Men like you might be considered as “successful”; your type even gets the unwarranted word associations of “commanding” and “exceptional” amongst the others you step all over to stand out against the contrast of, never once being human or intellectual enough to stop and learn from the many painful experiences that you inflict upon those around you while on your way to “the top”. But where is “the top”? You don’t even have a clue, do you?

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I’d be willing to bet the Ranch that men like you finally make it there, covered in the blood and tears and sweat of everyone that you have used, deceived, and betrayed with your shallow nature – only to learn that “the top” is just another name for “the bottom” – somewhere filled with like-minded people just like you. How fun will that be? It will be just like the first round for you,, only this time you will be going up against others who are just as savage and uncaring as you are. Best of luck in rounds two and three, you don’t stand a chance.

An “I” Message to Nobody In Particular

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  • It’s useless, I know – to try and make sense out of any of my feelings about this, about you;
  • I know there shouldn’t even be any feelings there over this to begin with, my bad.
  • I told myself every single day for over a year that it was meaningless, like dust in the wind;
  • I have always known that I meant no more than a good piece of ass in your vacuum world,
  • I have never allowed myself to consciously expect anything beyond the “closeness” shared during our short-lived and breathless times together, sweating all over the other one in nakedness…not consciously.
  • I certainly have more experience with these types of meaninglessness’s than you do, and I should have seen what was happening to me months ago, but I didn’t notice – if I’m telling the truth, I DID notice somewhat – I just let it go because letting it go is easier than dealing with it head on, the right way; the timely and mature way…
  • I will admit, because I am forcing myself to be honest here, that letting the things I had noticed myself feeling for you slip by enabled me to feel “close” to you for a longer duration of time than I would have been able to otherwise steal away from you, selfishly and pathetically fooling myself into thinking that eventually, you’d feel something back for me in return.
  • I do not know how to communicate the things that I feel for, and/or do or do not desire from a man in a romantic sense – I am broken that way, despite how hard I try not to be.
  • I am fully aware that there was NEVER anything between us; that we were NEVER anything substantial or even noteworthy in any way – I know that we agreed in the beginning on that. I am not playing stupid like I feel inclined to do about that element of things.
  • I feel so stupid and angry at myself for putting myself out here once again, in the headlights of a man that’s busy reading a map as well as getting a blowjob, while behind the wheel of the huge piece of machinery bearing down on me.
  • I really can’t and don’t blame you for how I am feeling, how I have dreadfully and unintentionally come to feel for you over time and the many meaningless intimacies; but the response to sting you is strong now, and my nerves shred a little bit more with each time I have to interact with you – knowing your plan to abandon this piece of your life in only a few short days from today.
  • I have a hard time actually processing such hollow behavior when it is expelled at me by others in this way, I admittedly struggle to wrap my mind around such lack of personal substance in my fellow human beings.
  • I know there’s nothing I can do to change anything about any of this, and I honestly don’t know if I would, given the chance or opportunity.
  • I am quite used to this sense of being left, holding the bag in my lap and feeling full to the brim with the notions of confusion and abandonment, sadness, loss, relief and shame – all while being completely unable to express such things to anyone who might need to hear them from my mouth.
  • I do not harbor any false sense of anything between us – rest assured with that knowledge; I do not plan on readjusting a single thing in your future opportunities waiting for you.
  • I only wish I were stronger; I wish I didn’t have this retarded need for the reassurances that can come only from the male persuasion in order to be useful and have meaning to me.
  • I’d rewind and undo all of this if I were able; I should’ve NEVER gone so far out of my way to rent that stupid movie The Chronicle that night, should have kicked you out of my room, at least.
  • I feel apologetic and sad for the long list I have created over someone who doesn’t care anyway.